h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Rimmer on Holly: You are a total, total.... a word has yet to be invented to describe how totally, whatever it is, you are. But you are one, and a total, total one of them.

Cat: "Forget red alert, let's step it up to brown alert"
Kryten: "There's no such thing as a brown alert sir."
Cat: "You won't be saying that in a minute..."

Holly: Autopilot engaged. Well, I say autopilot, it's not really is it, it's me here, it's muggins who has to do it.

'A subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.'

***********

'Things are looking up'

**********

'What could be better than living above an off-licence?'
'Living in one?'

**********

'That Noel Edmonds guy is a good quiz show host.'

'Barmy fluid? I'll have some of that!'

Sorry, that wasn't really a one liner.

I know I just keep doing Red Dwarf gags, but:

Cat: You're gonna go with one of my plans? Are you nuts? What if we all get killed, I'll never hear the last of it.

From Blackadder II:

There is a knock at the door. Blackadder says "Baldrick, get the door." Baldrick leaves, and returns, predictably carrying a door.

BA: "Baldrick. The explanation you are about to give had better be PHENOMENALLY good." (This one line on it's own is fried gold, but it goes on...)

beat

Baldrick: "You said get the door."
BA: "Not good enough, you're fired."

SoRB

"your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries". How I long to use that line on some berk. Its from the Holy Grail by the way.

I used that one last week.

"If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy, would it!?"

I always quote that on inapropriate occasions.

Wish I could watch more British comedy...

Every time somebody quotes dubious scientific "proof", I always remember "... and bees can't fly"

Not a line at all but something that made me laugh so hard I kicked my wife (it's true):

It's the bit in the penultimate episode of series 2 of Extras where Andy, after a bit of prompting and goading from his manager and old school friend attempts to ask one of the production crew out, then promptly tries to chug a shaken up bottle of fizzy mineral water. It loses a lot in the translation to text but I'm still giggling at it now.

Also from the surprisingly funny Not Going Out:

You Americans must have the shock of your life when you get here

Alreet, I'll buy you and your mate a bacardi breezer but one of yous better be up for a sh*g.

I heard the best one-liner in a long time (at the cinema)

Two teachers talking. Headmaster says (about a new teacher) "He comes highly recommended"
History teacher says "So did Anne of Cleves"

Film dialogue discussion: F98406?thread=3595587.

Thanks for that TRiG,

It's got one of my all-time favourites:

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe, Attack Ships on fire off the Tannhauser Gate; I've seen C-beams glitter in the dark. All those moments will be gone, lost in time like tears in rain..time enough...time to die."

Rutger Hauer in Bladerunner

Another great line from Blake's 7. The crew have discovered a dead guard with a knife in his back.

Vila: What happened?
Dayna: Perhaps he was cleaning it and it went off?

and back to the classics:

Arthur: It's a times like these that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was little.
Ford: Why, what did she say?
Arthur: I don't know, I didn't listen.

--

Ford: It's rather unpleasantly like being drunk.
Arthur: What's so unpleasant about being drunk?
Ford: You ask a glass of water.

--

The Doctor: You're a very beatiful woman, probably.

That Blade Runner quote would be all the sweeter if it were accurate:

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire OFF THE SHOULDER OF ORION. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark off the Tannhauser gate. All those moments ... will be lost. Like tears... in rain. Time ... to die."

SoRB

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Ah the celery quote, i wondered how long it would be before someone mentioned that.