h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm pregnant, hormonal and depressed. Tell me a joke that'll make me smile, the sillier, the ruder, the better.
I'll start the ball rolling with this one that I was sent today (it's a bit rude, so I apologise if it offends anyone!)

A bus full of nuns plummets off a cliff. They all die. Nuns are
admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into
heaven." The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is
trying to cut in front. "Well, now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your holiness," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

A bloke walks into a pub, takes out a tiny piano and a 12 inch pianist

Did you know that crickets have their ears on their knees? It's true I tell ya. They are also remarkably clever and if you tell 'em to jump up they will do. I didn't believ it myself at first so to prove it one day I cut all of the legs off a cricket and told it to jump. And do you know what? It couldn't hear me.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Hey! Why the long face?"

They said the old ones are always the best. And they were wrong.

There's a bunch of good jokes on the Miscellaneous Chat page under the heading "anyone know any good jokes". There are also ALOT of pretty bad one also.

I don't know how to get you there with a link yet, but Miscellaneous Chat is tward the bottom of the H2G2 main page.

There are two fish in a tank!
One turns to the other and says
"Are you sure you can drive this thing"

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

...because he was dead.

It's siesta. Pedro, a mexican is sleeping, his head covered by a hat, when suddenly his friend comes running to him. His breath is short, and he's jumping up and down of exitement.
"Pedro! Wake up! I saw a guy walk into you wife, and now they are in your bed having sex!"
Pedro just looks at his friend.
"Is it a tall guy?" He asks.
"Yes, very tall!"
"Is he wearing black, high, boots?" Pedro continues.
"Yes, actually he were. Come on! You have to hurry!"
"Does he have a mustache?" Pedro continues.
"Yes, it's him! Hurry!"
"Relax," says Pedro, smiling. "It's just Marco. He sleeps with everybody."

*grins*
I heard a really good one yesterday...
David Beckham walks into Alex Ferguson's office. He looks kinda upset, and sighs.
Alex: What's wrong David?
David: *sighs* Alex, I just can't get this jigsaw right. It's the tiger in the middle, it just won't work.
Alex: *raising an eyebrow* Ok David, we're in the middle of practice right now, so just put it out of your mind.
The next day, David reappears in Alex's office, wearing the same expression.
Alex: Ok David, what's wrong now?
David: I still can't get this jigsaw to work- the tiger bit just won't go right.
Alex: *resignedly* Right Dave, bring it in here and I'll try to help.
5 minutes later David returns and tips the jigsaw out onto Alex's desk.
Alex takes one look at it.
Alex: C'mon David- put the Frosties back in the box.

*giggles*

I'd recommend http://www.h2g2.com/A227440 ("So Long and Thanks for Laughing") for a collection of jokes. I can't say they're all wonderful, or that many aren't variations on themes, but there's certainly a lot of them.

Meanwhile, if you ever meet a communist, remember to offer them herbal tea. They believe proper tea is theft.

Ok, this is a long one, but it's worth it, I promise.

Triv





A woman is driving a rented car through Montana. Dirt roads, cattle farms, cow tippers, the whole lot. While driving down the state's largest (and indeed only) highway heading towards Butte, the axle of he car snaps and she slides across the road. She manages to bring the car to a stop in front of the entrance to a large, modern ranch. Down a path from the highway is a pickup truck with a man leaning against the side. And in the back of the truck is a pig.
A pig with a peg leg, that is.
She hops over the gate and approaches the farmer, who doesn't seem to be too concerned by her trespass.
"Excuse me," she says, "I was going to ask to use your phone to call a tow truck, but IÕve got to ask you this first. What happened to that pig?"
The farmer chews a piece of hay at her.
ÒWell lemmie tell you somethin'," he drawls, "This is one special pig. Why once, that barn over there," he points to the remains of a large red wooden stable built next to his ranch, "caught on fire during the night. And this pig smelled the smoke and managed to nose up the latch to his pen. He tore off across that field there and opened the doors to the stable. He let my horses out of the barn! He saved my horsesÕ lives."
A tear wells up in his eye.
"Ah," the woman says understandingly, "so he lost his leg in the fire?"
"OH NO!!" laughs the farmer, "that's not how it happened."
"Well, how then?" The woman inquires again.
"Well lemmie tell you somethin'," the farmer says again with his strangely southern drawl, "this is one special pig. Why once a few months back, I was drivin' my combine harvester across that wheat field over there, but I didn't know that my grandkids were playing in the field in front of me! The harvester's loud, you know, an' I couldn't hear them laughin' and jokin'. But the pig, THE PIG saw what was about to happen. He opened his pen again, and darted across the wheat field one, two, THREE times, each time draggin' one o' the little ones to safety. Why, this pig SAVEDÉMYÉGRANDKID'SÉLIVES."
He pulls out a handkerchief and honks loudly into it.
"Oh, that's it then." the woman says, impressed. "His leg got caught in the harvester then."
"Uhhhh, nope. That's not how it happened."
He smiles politely at her.
She cuts to the chase. ÒHow.Ó It wasn't a question.
"Well lemme tell you somethin',Ó
"This is one special pig," they say in unison.
"He guffaws "Yep. How'd you guess?"
"Pure luck."
"I'll bet. Well anyway, two days ago I was comin' home from Butte real late and there was this lightnin' storm. And as I pulled Darlene into theÉ"
"Darlene?" She interrupts.
"Darlene's my Chevy." He presses on before her stupefied look becomes an incredulous question. "Darlene and I pull into the driveway, and a bolt of lightnin' flashes out of the sky and hits that tree over there," he points to the charred remains of an oak tree nearby. "The tree exploded, and out of the sky comes one of the limbs falling down on me and pins my leg. Well, my pig hears the noise and comes runnin' again and finds," he speaks quickly now, without taking a breath, "an' finds a piece of plywood an' a large rock an' uses the rock as a pivot for the board an' he fits the board up under the tree limb an' he jumps up and down on the board until it lifts the tree off my leg." He gasps for air. "And he saved my life!"
He begins to sob uncontrollably.
"So his leg got caught under the tree limb when it fell, after you got your leg out right?"
"Nooooo siree! " he yelps with tears still streaming down his face.
The woman is fed up, totally. ÒTell me, please. What happened to this pig to give him a peg leg?Ó
the farmer smiles. ÒWell, a pig this special, you donÕt want to eat him all at once.Ó

Heard it
Whats blue and fluffy?














Blue fluff!

ok, if ya wanna play THAT way...


What's the difference between a duck?












One leg is both the same.


Triv

OR...one of my absolute favorites.


How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?





Fish.

--Triv

+lol+

here is another one.. maybe a bit long, but give it a try:

An American touring Spain, stopped at a restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his drink, he noticed scrumptious looking dish being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, also the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter: "What is it that you just served?"
The waiter replied: " Ah, senor!you have exellent taste. Those are bull testicles from the bullfight this morning! A delicacy!"
The Amerian was thinking a bit, and then decided.
"What the hell, I'm on vacation. Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied: "I am sorry senor, there is only one serving per day, because there is only one bullfight a day. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The American came back next morning to order, and the same evening he recieved the one and only special delicacy of the day.
Ater a few bites, the American called the waiter and said. "Hm. This is really delicious, but they are so much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and said.
"Si senor, sometimes the bull wins. "

What do you call a woman with a single tooth?






















Juanita

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?









Many. (fill in your own number)

One to change the bulb, and ..?.. to sing about how wonderful the old one was.

whats brown and sticky?








a stick!

Why was the farmer famous?




Because he was out-standing in his field.

How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?















None, but they have released a leaflet called "coping with darkness"