h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'll give it a blow, then.

Cor, that rumour mill's certainly seeing some work, Reefie (may I call you that for short, or would you prefer RG?), but are you trying to spread rumours to the VP's favour or detriment? Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

'Nother drink?

Very good, Ma'am. Once, or even twice, is good.

But please, whatever you do, don't blow the whistle three times...

I've been called a lot worse Bagpuss, you can call me Reefy or RG if you want,

ya see the rumour mill works in a funny way, it'll spew out any old bit of gossip it hears I have to sort out which bits I can use for the good of Alabaster House, which bits to sell to and which bits to use for blackmail

*takes the vicar's whistle and blows sharply - twice.*

You all thought I'd blow it three times, didn't you? Come on. Admit it.

Was that twice more that was good, or twice including the first time...?

*the vicar is hiding under the table, making strange yelping noises. He presumably admits it, then*

Welcomes the lammergeier and points to the seal under the table.

Does he hide and throw himself around like that often?

*peers under the table*

*returns from under the table*

psst, Pres. That's the vicar version. Easy mistake - both black(ish) and lozenge shaped...

*The blotchy one drifts in from somewhere*

Nope, sorry. That's definitely not me under the table...

Hey, howya doin', Vulch?
I guess the albatross'll be along any minute.

I must remember to stay on your right side, Reefie, though I'm sure there can't be any blackmail-worthy gossip about me, can there?

Anyroad, it's time to say goodnight.

*retreats slightly*

I'm doing fine, thank you, Pin.

*retreats further*

It will be nice to see Alberta again.

*edges over to Reefgirl and the Minister for Cushions*

You know, taking cover might not be such a bad idea.

By the way - I need something to blackmail that VP Wool-boy into giving me access to my office. Do you have anything I could use?

We could discuss it under the table here?

You quite sure you didn’t blow it three times, Prez?

Only that does look quite a lot like a death-ship beached on the lawn outside.

Look, promise me something. If a white-faced blonde turns up and offers to play dice, you’ll Just Say No. OK?

I am so terribly embarrassed.

So sorry, Pinniped. Of course you wouldn't be behaving in such an undignified manner this early in the evening. It's just that it's been a difficult day and I have misplaced my glasses and I wanted everything to go smoothly and Orchid crushed all of the costume prizes and...and...

*looks under the table at Waz*

I'm not organised enough for the whole blackmail thing meself. I'd best leave you with this lovely lady.

G'night Reefie, g'night everyone.

*looks at object on lawn*

*shakes head*

*heads to bed*

Good night Bagpuss. *waves*

I blew the whistle twice. Not three times. had the vicar already blown it once? Alberta? Where? Ghost ship? Not bloody again! Next thing you'll be inviting that little s**t Pingu!

Okay. Deep breath, Hypatia. You can deal with Pingu if need be. You put him in his place before and you can do it again. But he should still be buried in that glacier. So how did he get out? And who is responsible? I smell sheep s**t!

*The chandelier tinkles apprehensively.
A large white bird is perched up there. Her expression is a blend of incomprehension and mild terror*

Goodnight Bagpuss, I'm not convinced blackmail will work to be honest. Grasping at straws really.

*gazes with equal incomprehension back at the Albatross*

How did she get there with no one noticing?! Been taking landing lessons?

*looks upward at the chandelier, smiles and waves a greeting*