h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm not lost! And...I don't want candy. Candy does bad things to your teeth and that's not nice.

*Shoots lasers from her eyes at NYC*

I heard that!

*Peers doubtfully down at the recumbant figure at her feet*

Well, I don't know. I mean unless you're a TEFL warrior 7th Dan, or a selected member of the NUT, then I think all my weapons would be effectively useless to yoooouuuuu.

*Is swept off her feet by the sideswipe, and lands heavily on her back. Which is actually quite convenient as at that moment the KineSphere whistles kinetically though the space left by her head.

From this position, Sol peers up at the robot, who has slowly appeared before her, and, lacking the breath for the expression of outrage she would like to make at the thought of a robot who has never heard of Affy, she just lies there making feeble 'I'm out of breath' movements.*

Stupid Little Robot-This person can't talk. SHE'S RUNNING OUT OF AIR!

*Quickly opens a compartment and pulls out a can of compressed air, similar to the ones used for cleaning computers. You know, the ones that freeze really quickly and have freeon inside them as well as the air. Anyway, the Stupid Little Robot points the can at her like a gun*

Stupid Little Robot-QUICK! DRINK THIS! And try to seperate the air from the freeon, otherwise it could KILL YOU!

*The Stupid Little Robot begins spraying the air. Meanwhile, KineSphere is heading straight for Bass*

*Witty runs up to the SLR (Stupid Little Robot) and knocks the can of compressed air out of its hand.*

Don't do that! Humans can't get oxygen that way! If you want to be helpful, disable that fellow that's on the floor.

*Pulls Sol away from NYC to give her a chance to recover her breath.*

*Coughs, splutters, and makes generally grateful gestures in Witty's direction*

TEFL? NUT? Well, I'm a 5th level psychotic freak - trained with the masters I was - I'm sure I can fake it...

*NYC, recovered, hops to his feet, leapfrogs the SLR and snatches the can o' compressed air, throwing it back at the SLR to create a nice puncture with corresponding *BANG* *

Now, about those weapons--...

*The compressed air explodes in SLR's face, covering the face with a layer of frost (somehow the exploding can produces no noticeable shrapnel). SLR stumbles back against the wall, hist fist slamming into a control panel. Through the most incredible luck ever, his hand happens to exactly enter the five digit code that activates the sprinkler system*

SLR-Water! Slippery water! Kinda like a sandstorm, but wet!

*NYC looks up to see jets of water shooting out from marked points in the hall and leaving most surfaces, including himself, rather sopping wet. NYC remember, back in his trainings, rule #27 of the surprise-attack handbook: For Every Act of Insanity There is an Equally Inane Reaction. The diagrams left a lot to the imagination...*

*Stupid Little Robot appears to be break dancing in the water, though it may merely be a badly done Vaudeville routine where he keeps slipping. Regardless, he soon stops*

Stupid Little Robot-Water parties need water toys! INFLATABLE SQUIDS TO THE RESCUE!

*From his compartments, the Stupid Little Robot removes what appears to be a CLI-brand Inflatable Squid. How he got his hands on a Limited Edition "We're Only Making Five Of These Because The Health Inspectors Shut Down The Assembly Line As We Were Making Number Six" Inflatable Giant Squid isn't clear. However, the Stupid Little Robot activates an air compressor in his finger and begins inflating it. The surprisingly dangerous looking toy begins to inflate*

Stupid Little Robot-The biggest squid is the biggest fun! Big fun is more fun than small fun! Fun toy! Toytoytoytoytoytoytoytoytoytoytoytoy!

*Sopping wet, Witty's ensemble is ruined.*

Oh, wait 'til I get my hands on that little bot! *

*As she approaches SLR, the squid begins inflating, preventing Witty from reaching the mechanical menace. She finds herself pinned against a wall of the corridor by the squid.*


For heaven's sake, where did you get that squid, metal man? That is a Crater Toys exclusive. Wait until Affy finds out about this.

*The giant purple squid spreads the width of the corridor, consequently blocking NYC from his stash of handy-dandy sharp implements made from common eating utensils. NYC decides that, before the squid gets much bigger, it'd probably be best to retrieve said instruments. He starts pushing against the squid, and gets a few feet in before being ejected with far too much force to be particularly safe*

Bonzaiiiiii!

*NYC flies above the prone Solnuska, into one very surprised Angelica*

*crash*

[Bass, meanwhile, fires a large blast from his arm cannon at the KineSphere, which was last seen headed towards him.]


[Vegeta] Ho hum.

*Stupid Little Robot hears Witty's remark about Affy not liking this when he hears about it*

Stupid Little Robot-Affy? AFFY! *Turns towards Witty* SLOOOOOOWLY I turned! *Methodically walking towards Witty, though the giant squid is by now blocking his progress significantly* STEP BY STEP! INCH BY INCH! Who's Affy? Really, who is he? I didn't get a straight answer before. XYZZY!

*The force of the blast bounces KineSphere away, but faster than it was moving before. It hits a wall and heads back to Bass, going even faster than before due to the unusual way that it seems to produce more energy than it receives*

*Witty manages to wiggle a hand into her clutch in order to reach one of her knitting needles. If she can manuver it out, she intends to puncture the squid with it.*

Stupid Little Robot, may I call you Stu?

Stu, let's have a chat. You tell me who gave you the squid and I'll tell you about Affy.

*The shower of cold water seems to have restored Sol to health, even if it has done nothing for her hairstyle.

She bounces up and advances on the squid, rumaging and muttering:*

Stapler? Drawing pins? Blackboard pointer? That's fairly sharp. Flamethrower?

Want a hand, Witty?

Stupid Little Robot-I got the squids from the guy in the home place! He said, "Since you're going away, I'll give you these squids! They'll be fun." So he gave me the squids before I left. Then I left. I saw LOTS of the Universe when I left! Andromeda's central black hole, Milliways, Ratatooine, the Birdhouse In You Soul Bar-n-grill, Thaltaria VII, Droiddicus Prime,....all over! With nothing but my wits to save me from destruction!

[Bass turns green, and then a green hologram of Bass appears next to him and starts firing at the KineSphere. Bass himself charges forwards and attempts to kick it.]

Hold on a second, Sol.


That's fascinating, Stu. Does your maker have a name? And why did you leave him? He sounds like a decent sort. In fact, he sounds very much like Affy.

*KineSphere doesn't change directions. He simply impacts Bass' approaching foot with an incredible speed (we're approaching the level of a slow rail-gun, folks), and rebounds with an even greater speed, and bounces back in Bass' direction at an even greater speed than that*

Stupid Little Robot-Affy? AFFY? SLOOOOOOWLY I turned! STEP BY STEP! INCH BY INCH! Maker person was VERY decent! He gave me my squids and taught me songs and gave me a spaceship to leave with! He said I had to go far, far away because I was a danger to everyone I met, but that we could still call on phone and emails from a distance and we'd probably survive. Yep, a danger to everyone. SAY, that reminds me, the voice over my head said that I had to destroy you. SQUID! ATTACK!

*The inflatable squid feebly moves tentacles, but not really in a threatening way*

I'm pretty sure that reaction to Affy's name is significant. Hey! You! Robot! AFFY!

Perhaps we can use it as a tracker dog.

*ignores squid attack*