h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Dr. Harvey and The Arithmancer enter the elevator. The doors close behind them. The Arithmancer pushes the button for the top floor, the doors close, and the thing begins to rise. The "1" light turns off as irritating elevator music begins to ooze through the speakers*

*They hear an unusual "BANG" sound from just barely below them*

Harvey-What was that?

Arithmancer-Perhaps those fighters threw someone against the doors of the elevator.

*The elevator's 2 light lights up, and the doors open. The doors close momentarily, and the elevator begins to descend as the 2 light turns off*

Harvey-What?

Arithmancer-Oh, someone must've pushed the button....grumble,mumble,....

*The 1 light turns on, the elevator stops descending, and the doors open. Dr. Harvey enters a fighting stance, and The Arithmancer opens his text book*

Harvey-Oh, wait. It's just the Jedi.

Arithmancer-Will you people hurry up?

[Yar] Don't blame me for people not posting as fast as --

[A sign saying "Don't break the Fourth Wall" drops down from nowhere and lands on Yar's head.]

*The doors close*

Harvey-Now then, Jedi, we've got a mission and you've got a mission. We're going to try to make peace with B.E.T.T.E. You're looking for Afgncaap5. Any particular way you want to organize this?

*The 1 light turns off as the elevator begins to rise*

[Yar leans against the wall]

[Yar] Heh. I can think of dozens of ways I'd like to /organize/ it, but knowing the Salonistas, the best we can hope for is to wait for them to finish debating or for one of them to come up with an idea.

[One of the doors opens, revealing the Matrix corridor, Dylan, and the Keymaker, but the elevator still seems to be moving.]

[Dylan] The Salonistas aren't here.


[Trunks] Plot Devices R Us!


[Yar] Oh right. [The door closes.] Well, first of all, does B.E.T.T.E. want to kill Afgncaap5 as much as you guys?

*Dr. Harvey shrugs*

Harvey-Our wish to kill Afgncaap5 is more generated from a collective dislike. I think that The Arithmancer and Dr. Sartasmus are the driving forces behind wanting to kill him. I'd settle for cheap, petty revenge, and Greklas'd probably be about the same. Greg is an old college rival, so who knows how that would go.

*The 2 light turns on before briefly turning off*

Arithmancer-We've not really had much to do with B.E.T.T.E. until now. The only reason that we decided to bother with this little job, aside from the obvious infamy and fear that it would bring, is that one of the members of B.E.T.T.E. is a robot warrior who was built from a design created by our own Dr. Greklas. I don't know just what connection this robot warrior, Zakkry Johbsor and The Ancient One have with Afgncaap5 as their first meeting with him is sometime in the future, if I understand everything correctly.

*The 3 light turns on before briefly turning off*

Harvey-I think that I heard that armored fellow saying that he had met Stephanie, Tusk and The Althian Bounty Hunter before. Regardless, I would say that these people probably have more initiative to kill Afgncaap5. After all, we're pretty much just mad scientists who heavily lean towards being super villains. These guys are hard-core villains, the type that DC and Marvel only bring up in (at minimum) 4-issue story arcs. They won't "agree to a truce" for a love of science, I can guarantee you that.

*Oh, yeah, that's right. 4 light on, 4 light off*

*Much to the scientists' charign, the elevator starts heading back down, toward the first floor. Darn things never /are/ set up right, are they? *

*now with an elevator full of heavily armed villains and three hostages, NYC presses the button for "close door" and the top floor repeatedly*

*the doors start closing, MUCH too slowly for the villains' comfort...*

[Bass and Treble also came here with NYC! Honest!]

[Yar] Well, anyway, I think I'll just ... get ready to move really fast.

*Fine, villains, hostages, and two innocent bystanders =p. Anyway*

Quiet, or I start shooting! Heck, talk all you want; I LIKE shooting.

*The doors close, and the elevator inches upwards*

*Dr. Harvey enters a fighting stance*

Harvey-I'm still a free agent, Mr. Supreme Weapons Creation! Just try and shoot me! With this battle suit covered with my Newtonian Reversal Spray, the bullets'll just bounce off of me and....well, and stick to you! Only fight I've ever lost in this thing was against Garius Lupus....well, and one mind controlling person guy....

*The Arithmancer calmly pulls out what looks like a piece of chalk crossed with a ray gun. He "shoots" it, and begins to write the following programming code in midair*


#include battle.h
#include defense.h

int main()
{
defense(duplicate());
return(0);
}

int duplicate()
{
int proof={
a=b;
a^2=ab;
a^2-b^2=ab-b^2;
(a+b)(a-b)=b(a-b);
a+b=b;
b+b=b;
2b=b;
2b/b=b/b;
2=1;
}

return(proof);
}


Arithmancer-*Now surrounded by a mauve aura* There's a limitted capacity in this elevator, NYC. Shoot me, and we'll become very, very crowded in deed.

Harvey-Look, you people just work on whatever you're planning. We've got a deal to uphold with B.E.T.T.E. as we're their ticket out of here. We could be yours as well, but I don't currently see much reason to let you into our castle.

*Currently, the elevator has just reach the 4th floor and is continuing to rise*

*Oh, and Stupid Little Robot and Affy4 followed as well. They were chewing PAG, or something*

Well, that's very nice, Harvey, but I've got here a plasma rifle which shoots, well, very very hot bolts of plasma. If it doesn't just burn through your armor it'll certainly knock the elevator out of commission and send us all plummeting to an untimely fate!

Now, my plan is to figure out what the heck is going on here, secure an escape from this prison and this planet, and find out why every single person I meet up with has better weaponry than I do! Plus, I wanna know why you're all on a hunt for the one and true Affy and why I shouldn't just blast you all for not giving an accredited villain his due!

Now, why do you want to find Affy? Where is there a spaceship? Why are you working for BETTE and where did you get that armor?

*Dr. Harvey sighs*

Harvey-My associates and I are helping to search for Afgncaap5 because we have a shot at examining Garius' suit of armor. Everyone else is, if I remember the speech given by that FACE person when Corrupt here first showed up (why not just ask her this stuff?), because the pan-dimensional entity known as FACE is holding a contest as part of some weird reality TV show, or something, where the first person to find Afgncaap5 at wherever and whenever he's currently lost will receive the Philosopher's Stone, the Elixir Of Life, a vegimatic, and will also be able to decide the fate of both Afgncaap5 and some other entity who I gather is an associate of Afgncaap5's. Some big major villain, or something. I think that if a hero finds Afgncaap5 first, this major villain is released far, far away and is angry at the villains by the time he gets back, and if a villain finds Afgncaap5 first, then the major villain is returned to Earth cheerfully, because his enemy will be dead thanks to his hench-people.

The spaceship in question is our Castle, a flying fortress where the myself and four other mad scientists have joined together. We are the only five people in the known Galaxy with the proper backgrounds for getting past all of the security measures on this Asteroid, you know. Meanwhile, we're working to release B.E.T.T.E. because one of them is a robot warrior who is built from blueprints designed by one of the five of us, a Dr. Greklas. This naturally piqued our interest. Also, we wish to be feared as the only villains in history capable of staging a jail break at the most inescapable prison in the Galaxy. It's a win-win situation.

And finally, I got this armor by BUILDING it, you cretin! I'm a Mad Scientist. Inventing is part of the job description! I built the strength-enhancing motors and the computer circuitry that allows it to know fairly advanced martial arts. And I ALSO designed the adjustable Full Newtonian Reversal spray which causes any and all unwanted energy and contact to be repelled back in the direction that it came from. Your plasma shots won't hurt me. I've had everything from diverted meteorites to fire balls to magic blasts aimed at this thing, and it always bounces 'em back. I think a little demonstration is due!

*Dr. Harvey pulls back his arm for a punch, but just then the elevator stops moving, the 5 light turns on, and the doors open*

Harvey-Oh. Our floor.

*Dr. Harvey and The Arithmancer walk out of the elevator to Level 5, probably a more suitable battle ground*

Wait, you're FOR BETTE, you're AGAINST Affy5 - vicariously helping out STUMPED - and you're trying to reverse-engineer a CHOPPERS agent's armor.

*NYC lowers his plasma rifle and pouts*

Oh, poo. We're allies.

*the characters in the elevator file out. NYC leaves last and props the two-by-four plank of wood he was carrying with him in the elevator doorway, disallowing the elevator doors to close and thus keeping it at that floor*

So I assume you won't mind if I were to make things difficult for the 'Angels' downstairs, would you? Can you point me to the security system controls?

[NYC suddenly feels the business end of Yar's (disarmed) lightsaber against the back of his head.]

[Yar] Question. I'm technically /one/ of said Angels. And I'm pretty sure my lightsaber got damaged by an explosive, so it /might/ not work. It might merely explode. Or possibly nothing will happen. With that in mind, just ask yourself: do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

[Bass] [putting his own arm cannon against Yar's head] I know I do!

[Yar] [lowers the lightsaber] Damn.

[Bass smirks]


[Trunks] Wait, couldn't he have just sliced off Bass's blaster?

[Vegeta] Eh, they just wanted an easy way out.

Stupid Little Robot-Angels are nice until the snow melts.

*Exeunt SLR and Affy4*