h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is the captains office were all new members must register, it is a large office not far from the drive room.
A plaque saying "Captain Hollister and a half-eaten donut stand alone on the desk, apart from a sausage and some pencils and papers.

*A man in a new, clean uniform which says Technician second class with a shining 'H' on his forhead enters*
Welcome aboard, please fill in form 18-28/A-X*23-1B.
*He hands you a far too long form, salutes in a very odd and very long way and exits, when doing so he hits the door frame and he flickers for a short moment after which he leaves you*

*returns Salute*

Low ranking Listerette here, reporting for duty of SOME description. Nice place you've got here... better than the old place

*fills in form*
Lou xxxx

*Oks the form*
Thankyou.
*rimmer-slute*

*salutes again* come and have a in my quarters later if you like - welcoming party?

Yeah, I'll do that in you cabin or in the disco, I've forgotten to make that, would you like to?
On this page and I'll link it later.

Red Dwarf Disco Party - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/F120678?thread=265562&post=3275936#p3275936

*Holds up Space Corps authorization for ship to have B-H-P-U ie. closest could get to 'form'*

Go on then

Ma'am?!

I thought you wanted permission for the BHPU

No ma'am the form was to say it had been installed with RD and Space Corps allowed it...

You mean i have to fill in more forms

*scribbles violently on 10 out of the 18 pages and draws a picture of a on the last page*

Will that do?

*The door to the Captain's office opens but no-one appears to have entered.*

*The Captain is puzzled.*

*Then a telescopic arm appears over the edge of his desk. Clutched in the claw end is a very crumpled piece of paper which the Captain takes and flattens out. It is a form 18-28/A-X*23-1B completed in the name of Scutter 1 (mod).*

*The Captain looks over his desk and a sees a small hatch open in the top of the scutter. A lens appears and a light message is projected directly into the Captain's eye.*

"Scutter 1 (modified) reporting for duty, Sir"

Form 18-28/A-X*23-1B

Name: sgge deliob

Rank: Pleb

Quarters: Officers Mess, Under the 4th table to the right, unless I am drunk, in which case proceed to the 5th table on the left.

Duties: Official nonsense support for all those too stuck up to walk more than 5 meters without having to re-arrange the carrot lodged up their ass. (I will make note, however, that I assume no responsibility for re-arranging other peoples carrots).

Background: Official nonsense consultant to the king of Fiji, before coming to the realisation that he was actually a small furry caterpillar and unable to pay me for my services in any currency other than chewed up leaves. Before that, I was a speck of space dust, miraculously brought to life by strange occurrences involving a very large space ship with a heart of gold.

Should you wish for me to fill in the remaining 11 pages, please advise me by filling in form dr-y45sT, which can be obtained by standing on 1 leg in the middle of the wading pool full of beer on deck 4, whilst singing the national anthum of Krikkit.

Thank you for your time.

Please go to cabins pick and pick a cabin on A-deck.

*comes in quietly

*comes in loudly*

I'm sure I would have showed enough interest to stay alive if I'd actually been asked, thank you very much!

Well, I'm going to re-open Parrot's Bar whether you like it or not.

I don't need a cabin; I'm never-sleeping, according to my intro.

B

*sits quietly

Scutter 1 (mod) returns to the Captain's Cabin and requests that he appears in the crew listing as 'Scutter 1 mod' - and not as Kandyman - Keeper of Old Buses.

(New 'My Space' under construction)

Thank you, Captain

Hey smilo, why are you so quiet?