h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am trying to be really calm here, not judgemental but quite frankly I am seething. This is my problem, not yours, but I wish I could share with you some of the emotions that I have kept locked up for 24 years.

When I asked my ex-husband why he had an affair, when I thought we were happy. He replied: 'because she is attractive, talks about things other than bills, children, schools and mortgages. She makes me feel wanted'

I asked that if he didn't feel wanted and was bored of talking about our daily lives, why didn't he make an effort to talk to me about it instead of the office bike? Remember, I was very hurt and angry.

I reminded him that I couldn't afford nice clothes, fancy perfumes and cosmetics and who was going to make me felt wanted? I was someone's wife, mother and never ~me~.

I think you have made your choice and it is going to change the lives of your wife and yourself for ever. I am so very sorry, the pain never goes, you just get used to it.

'I feel very sorry for your wife. It seems you don't love her after all.'

My sentiments also, your love for her must have been overwhelming whilst smoothing in that lotion on someone elses back.

I should also point our from my little story above that the injured party amongst my friends wouldn't know what the word fidelity meant if it was slapped in his face so I have limited sympathy in his regard (although he's never done anything quite on this scale).
I've made him sound charming haven't I? I do appreciate he must be devastated at the moment. I haven't heard from him yet but I'm going to let things lie. When his last relationship broke up (when he met the aforementioned 'Jane') it wasn't at all pretty and I will not be caught up in his self destruction again.

Bilbo,
I'd like to repeat my question about how you got into a position to have a naked back offered to you, and then take things further, without eyebrows being raised by your co-workers.

I ask because you must have made some decisions to get into that situation. If you are serious that you are sad at this turn of events then you need to think carefully about how to avoid getting into the same mess again, and you need to make it clear to her that it was a one off situation. You *can* step back from this.

On the other hand, if you have decided that you want a repeat then that is for you and your conscience, but I suspect you will find little sympathy here.

Orcus - my advice to you is do not gget involved, watch from the sidelines and hand out the tissues and/or beer

Largely what I intend to do thanks
I'll have to use all my (rather dubious) diplomacy skills on this one I suspect
I've been rather more candid here than I'm likely to be IRL I think.

At the end of the day, she ... doesn't complain about mundane things that are of no importance in this life.



Thinks like your home, your family, your garden, your wife's well-being, what you will have for tea? Those things which are of no importance? Those little daily details which piece by piece build up the wonderful thing which is a long-term marriage.

Oh, I forgot. You really love your wife.

So that's ok then.

My mistake.

One of the things I have noticed in this life is that there is no cause without effect, and no effect without a cause. You are going to regret this bitterly Bilbobilbo - and by smashing your relationship you will deserve the impoverishment (both emotional and financial) which is coming to you.

My respect and sympathy for you, which was never high, is now less than nil.

B
*not as good at holding onto her anger as Caer is*

..erm...

I think I'll read the backlog before I post...

I've just returned from an hour's therapy, thank you last relationship.

I think I'll make myself a strong first though, {and I'm a drinker}

*goes to put kettle on*

Poor Bilbobilbo. (fully clothed with no slippery stuff)
I find it interesting that the emotion you've presented, and which I presume is what's lingering foremost in your mind is rather than or or .

Now you've crossed *a* line, but not *all* the lines, and you've fallen in your own esteem. It's not the end of the world, people do that sort of thing all the time, with all sorts of choices they make every day. Now you've a little more data on the reality of the situation and you've begun to taste the darker side of deceit as well as the heady bits. You can use this experience as a springboard to help propell you towards being a man of integrity (whatever your own definition of that is) or you can use it as a slide towards expressing your baser instincts and being 'only human'.

The better man is not always the one who turns his back on temptation. Often it one who nibbles on the apple of knowlege and then uses what he's gained (as well as what he's lost) to make loftier choices about who he's going to be during his future moments of now.

Bon courage!

MoG, you are not only a nicer woman than I am, but a wiser one.

B

ing !!!

So, my first post proved to be prophetic.

I knew the way he was heading, and his excuse "I'm only human after all" is perfect.

The only thing is, a bigger man would have resisted, saying to himself, "this is taking superhuman-strength, but I love my wife and I don't want to do anything to hurt her"

That's what this was, a test.

And you failed miserably.

So, welcome to the dregs of the human race, I certainly hope you don't spend your retirement in a bedsit, as said in the backlog, but it's what you deserve.

I have a niggly feeling that Bilbobilbo has done this to inject a bit of passion into HIS mundane life.
This has nothing to do with his wife, or the office bike.
He's getting one hell-of-a-thrill, and now he will be on tenderhooks making sure his wife doesn't find out.
Imagine the heart-rate galloping when the home phone next rings!
It could be her, with an office emergency!!!

All that blood rushing round the body, thumping heart practically jumping out of his chest, and making him feel more alive than he's felt in 30 years.

And, should the worst-case scenario happen, i.e. girl rings wife & describes interesting mole/birthmark; he can then spend the next few years courting his wife all over again, from the comfort of his bedsit, then how much more interesting will the marriage be then, no more mundane things to deal with, like what to eat tonight, or the garden needs weeding, or the needs de-worming.

*coughs*

No gardens with bedsits, no pets allowed either.
And no-one to wash your socks & underpants, and no-one to watch tv with...no-one to make you a or cook you dinner after a long day at the office.

But then, you were bored with the mundane things, weren't you, Bilbo?

I wonder why the smiley is the one I think he meant, I did say in my first post, do what you want but make sure you have no regrets.

It's out of your hands now, girls like this don't shag the boss for nothing. There's no such thing as a free lunch, blah blah.

I'd be interested if you'd keep in touch and tell us the outcome.

There's a celibacy thread on my Personal Space, which you'll be very welcome to join.

Single people get a lot less sex than married {or living together, sorry KerrAvon} simply because it's human nature to want what you can't have. And single people are always available, so no-one fancies us. What a paradox.

I think I'm the least-angry woman in this thread, I'm not surprised this has happened, it was almost on the cards.
I just hope you know that when your wife falls out of love with you, that's when you will want her again, and even if you do mend it, it'll never be the same.

I beg your pardon, *defers to the two ladies who posted while I was typing that*

I'm not the least-angry woman in the thread.

MoG

You sound like a middle-aged love sick puppy dog on an ego trip. I think you are seeking approval and reassurance here for what you already know isn't the right thing to do. You want somebody to say, go for it, have your wicked way with this bird so you don't feel the guilt. And maybe you will get with this bird, but we all have to pay a price for our actions, might turn out to be a higher price than anything you could imagine.

And sleeping with work colleagues? Bad idea when you are single, even worse if married. Just please don't tell me you are her boss. That would be indescribably bad.

Well I am *not* the least angry woman in this thread. Someone blaming other people for their own actions makes me angry, and the implication that Bilbobilbo's wife talks about mundane and unimportant things in comparison with Little Ms Bubbly with the Bare Back got under my skin.

How long is it before he will be blaming Mrs Bb - she 'made' him ride the bike?

And how long will it be after that that he will be blaming the bike for Mrs Bb throwing him out?

'Cos sure as bikes are bikes he won't blame himself for any of this.

B
*angry but not actually very interested*

Hi Ben!

I'm probably not nicer than you, and I'm certainly not wiser.

Just, whenever I come across someone who has made a 'bad' choice I can't see it as being a different dynamic from the actions I take every day with my life which aren't always the same as the ones the me which I'm trying to be promises myself I'll follow. So I still smoke, I still eat too much crap sometimes, I still occasionally turn into a raving lunatic when other people are in *my* way on the road, and I still don't always use my minutes doing the productive (and fun!) things I love to do, etc. etc.. Doesn't mean I have to hate myself, or think myself doomed to a lesser life than I might have; rather I keep on trying to shift that balance towards spending more of my time being the shining me.

If I can't always do it, then I've no right to condemn someone else for not always living up to his greatest expectations of himself. When I've failed and am about it, it helps when others help me to build myself a ladder to climb rather than throw the dirt on top of me and help bury me in the hole I've dug for myself. I'm very fortunate that my life experience has given me a *huge* supply of ladders. I have plenty to share.

Like I said, Nicer and Wiser.



B

I can't do Maths, it was 16 years ago, not 24, but I'm feeling calmer now.

Dibs, he is her boss. I shall be getting H's reaction to the back thing when he gets in from w*rk. As a boss, he was horrified when I told him Bilbobilbo's story. He said it was ripe for a sexual harrassment case if the girlie didn't get what she was after (promotion, payrise), if he so much as touched her, quite apart from betraying his wife.

Will the headlines read: 'Hobbit in Hankpanky Suntan Lotion Case'?

Then he must lay off. A succesful harassment case could lead to damages being awarded against him personally (unlikely but possible). This could mean the loss of his, and more importantly, his wife's home. Ultimately this has the potential to wreck lives.

Bilbo, be a man about this. You aren't a teenager any more, surely you must have some impulse control. You crossed a linewhen you touched her, and did whatever else it was that you coyly refer to. End this now, before you cross another one. This woman is taking every single piece of encouragement as a sign that you are interested. She may be falling in love with you. Whatever you may say about her morality in pursuing a married man, she still has feelings. The further you go with this, the deeper they will become, and that will probably go for you.

Finish it. Gently, but firmly, and pray that she lets you go easily. Then take your wife somewhere different for dinner, or on holiday somewhere unusual. You need excitement, so does she. If you love her, then act like you do. And if you can't then do her a favour and leave. If you get away with this once, do you truly believe you won't again? Your wife doesn't deserve that.

Please everybody out there. I am ashamed to say that I have been winding you all up. My original post that started all this was the truth and I stand by it. I have NOT gone any further with the young lady in question. I have been so fascinated by the hornets nest that I have stirred up, that I could not resist seeing what the reaction would be if I said that I had taken the ladies offer.My apologies to you all, but what an interesting debate after my spurious confession.I suppose I will be getting hate mail for a long time.
As they said in the "Life of Brian" He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy. Mrs Bilbo has done me well for 27 years and will do so for many more.