h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Rather personal this really but anyway.......
I'm 51 year old male and married.At work I have a trainee, 29 female, attractive. She has, over a few weeks made it clear that my attentions shall we say,would not be rebuffed if they were aimed at her. Dilema, very tempted but have never been unfaithful in 27 years. Am also very flattered that at my age, she should find me attractive which makes it doubly tempting. Thoughts from you all please!

Sorry guys and gals, the smiley should probably have been

Sounds to me like you already know the answer but want some reassurance that you're right, so here goes.

You've been married almost as long as this woman has been alive. If you've never been unfaithful in all that time, now is not a good time to start. It's not an age thing - I have nothing against older people getting together with younger ones. It's a matter of principle and morals. I've always taken the attitude that married men are off limits, so even if I was strongly attracted to a married man I wouldn't let on. Then again, I'm married myself, so *I'm* off limits to other men (that's assuming I could find one who found me seriously attractive).

My advice is: enjoy the fact that she finds you attractive but don't do anything about it. If possible, let her know that nothing's going to happen - the last thing you need is for her to think you're encouraging her.

Oh, and I don't blame you for doing instead of . If a man, other than hubby, let me know he found me attractive *I'd* be grinning inside - as long as he didn't try to take things any further.

I agree with Cheerful Dragon, be flattered and leave it at that...not only because it's the *right* thing to do, but because you don't want things to get messy, especially if there's a chance it could mess with your marriage *and* your job...

Am listening.Any reaction from other guys? Only two replies are from the fair sex.

what is your idea of marriage? have you been faithful all this time through personal conviction or lack of opportunity? the most graceful characteristic of swans is that they mate for life; if your relationship with your wife has that swanlike grace then the answer is clear. it's not the risk of getting caught; you will have made something very beautiful wilt and fade a little bit.

as for your relationship with the trainee, you've probably already experienced the connoisseur's part: seduction has a heady bouquet, but what follows may disappoint.

Cant really add much to what CD and Tanzen have said.

I work in an office where there is only one other guy and it is lovely to get all the attention I do, but having had affairs in the past I can tell you they are not on the whole good things.

Lets say you get sweaty with this woman, even if you just have a knee trebler in the stationary cupboard you might well feel the guilt for longer than you feel the afterglow of...well you get the picture.

OK you think your going to be a bit more stylish. Yake the woman to dinner, well you'll be looking over your shoulder incase anyone who knows you spots you out. Are you going to lie and say you have a conference and spend a night away in a hotel. If the smallest of things or biggest of things happens while you are way from home think about the guilt you will feel.

I see nothing morally wrong with people using their bodies how they want if you are mindful of STDs, discreet, and honest with the woman at work about whats on offer who is being hurt?

The stakes are high though is it a gamble you are willing to take.

one love

riotact, that was a beautiful post, beautiful, but wrong.

Swans do generally pair for life but it is not unknown for the females to allow "visits" from other males in some cases.

You all have good and valid points to make. I think that the way that my mind is working is that it would be one last fling, a last chance to explore another womans body.Lets face it, in another few years, I will be incapable and the choice would not be mine in the first place.

I'll endorse the earlier comments. Flirtation is one thing - and that may be all she is doing, she may not really want to go further. Taking an irretrievable step can be devastating for all concerned.

Don't imagine that no-one will ever find out, or that you can keep it superficial.

One of my friends is recently divorced, following her husband's affair with a younger member of his staff who became pregnant (accidentally or on purpose I wonder?). The husband has now lost contact with his two children, has lost his job & is living in rented accommodation with the new woman & baby.

I know just what you mean Bilbobilbo - I've sometimes felt that if opportunity came my way, I'd like another go at passion & romance.

A last chance to relive being young? The middle-aged crisis, rebelling against getting old?

Then I look at my friend, look at what I've got & think, no, I couldn't bear to hurt the people close to me. I'll have to stick to my imagination.

So essentially its coming down to lust and your ego.

Cant say I havent given in to those drives in the past, but had a few close calls with husbands in the past and two visits to the Genito Urinary Mediciene clinic and they have changed my ways in the last few years.

Still listening. Blicky, I suppose you are right about the lust bit. I must say in my defence that I have never had any feelings like this before. But they are becoming overwhelming.
I hate the weekends because I don't see her and only Monday morning brings relief from what can only be described as pain.

Must add that I love my wife very much and would never want to hurt her. I feel a bit like a kid with a crush. Stopped eating properly and even dream about this lady.

Ask yourself what she gives you that Mrs Bil hasnt given you through years of marriage and home making. To you is what the woman at work might give worth taking the risk for?

If im brutally honest Blicky, It would be a fling and seeing her occasionally whilst looking over my shoulder. The attraction is there though. Is it an age thing with me? or is it something most men would think about at least, given the chance? im confused..

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It sounds totally like a crush. An infatuation.

As others have already said here, turning the fantasy into reality might end up being a complete disappointment. And if you do love your wife and have no plans to leave her, giving in to feelings of desire for someone else does sound quite selfish.

How would you feel if you discovered your wife was having an affair?

az

I'm right with all the advice that's been given so far - you stand to lose way much more than you might gain!

One other point - what about this woman at work's point of view? If you were to have a brief affair with her and then stop.....how would she feel? Not really fair on her either, is it.

Congratulations on having such a long lasting marriage - that's a rare thing these days

Not much to add to the sound advice that's been given. You know what the *right* to do is. The sort of relationship that lasts 27 years without infidelity isn't one you want to put at risk. Even if a fling remained undiscovered *you* would still know, wouldn't you?

Noggin

In all of my relationships I have always been completely monogamous. Okay, they have never lasted 27 yeas and one *can* understand the curiosity factor about 'experiencing someone else' after such a long time. But having 'experienced' many people in my time, the majority were quite forgettable to be honest, except for those I felt love for.

Bottom line - I would feel hurt to the very marrow of my existence if my patner ever deceived me. So it has never ever even been a question that I might ever deceive my partner. And I did have offers while I was married.

That's why I asked how you would feel if your wife had deceived you and had an affair. But regardless as to how you think you might respond to that you have to take your wife's feelings into consideration. I think you know she would be deeply hurt, otherwise you would not have started this thread.

Are your present lust-ridden feelings towards a young co-worker actually worth breaking the heart of the woman you have loved for 27 years? Do you not honestly feel your wife deserves your fidelity and trust? I think you do. I think you are just torn up about your sexual feelings towards someone else.

I say - just deal with your feelings. Take as many cold showers as necessary and do stop fantasizing about this person as this is also a form of deceit. I'd also be very surprised if your wife, after so long together, didn't realise there was *something* going on with you.

Sorry, don't mean to come across judgemental or anything, but I personally find trust between people the strongest yet most fragile thing there is. It needs constant care. It requires constant energy to make it work. But that is just my opinion. Don't know if this helps you at all in your present situation.

az