h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I would agree with what everyone has already said, and the following is just a variation on the same theme really, but I would just like to pick up on Bilbobilbo’s assertion that <> If that were true, you would NOT even be considering an affair.

Speaking from experience (and from a female perspective), if you love somebody, you don’t hurt them and you do stay faithful. In keeping with the startling level of honesty already displayed on this thread, I will admit that I had an extra marital affair and my marriage ended as a consequence. I’ve now been very happily divorced for 11 years and I like to hope that I am older and wiser than I was then. I’m not trying to justify what I did, it was WRONG and stupid and I’m not at all proud of it. I was young and foolish (what’s your excuse?) and if I had married the right person, instead of just saying yes to the first twerp that asked me, then I would not have sought comfort elsewhere. I wasn’t a bit sorry when my marriage broke up, but it sounds to me as though you would be. Would I be unfaithful to my present partner? Certainly not! What I am trying to say is, if it ain’t broke, don’t mess with it!

I definitely DO NOT recommend having affairs with work colleagues. My reputation at work never recovered (of course people found out, regardless of how careful we were) and eventually I had to leave.

And as for this idea of just having a quick fling, have you seen Fatal Attraction?

It could be a wonderfully exciting experience to rumble with someone 21 years younger - it's a temptation no doubt. If you want to have an affair then do it, but be prepared for what may follow.This may sound harsh but......
Firstly, at 51 you may not live up to what she is used to and your ego may be severely bruised - and she may not just tell you, you may have your performance put up for the entire office's opinion.
Secondly, she may be just teasing and then you'll end up looking like a dirty old man.
Thirdly, you may end up getting in very deep and then she dumps you.
Last and most important, your wife finds out and divorces you.

If you can live with all of the above then sh*g away!!

Thing is, Lizzbett, although I agree with what you posted, it is difficult not to come across 'all moralistic' about this sort of thing.

In the end it is just a personal thing. How much you love and respect and appreciate your partner. How much you appreciate trust and honesty within your relationship. It's always quite different for everyone, which is why so many marriages end up in divorce these days.

Extra-marital affairs are very commonplace, they happen all the time. Who knows why exactly?

But the fact that they are 'commonplace' - quite common, not amounting to anything significant - says a lot in itself I think.

Except that they end up destroying relationships. But maybe the relationship was not worth preserving? Again - personal choice. Still, having an affair is a very nasty and cowardly way to go about ending a relationship. (imho)

Like I say, hard not to judge. But if I were in an unhappy union with someone I would get out of it before starting anything else. If I were in a union that was good but found myself tempted then I would weigh up the options and choose one or the other. I would not expect my partner to accept or put up with my infidelity.

This is called having respect for the person you have committed yourself to having a relationship with.

You cannot have affairs and then pretend you still respect your partner. At least, I don't think so.

az

Hiya just found this.

I have always been unfaithful, too many fun people to try. I have been with present guy for 8 years and was unfaithful for the first 2, (he knows all this btw).

Although I do not feel any need to be unfaithful, I will not promise not to be. Being faithful is about yourself as well as to your wife. Sometimes you need to be faithful to your wishes and your desires as well as other people.

Having said that, you must consider how you would feel if your wife was unfaithful to you. Also do not even consider, not having safe sex, its one thing to be unfaithful, its another to bring a disease into your marriage.

When you flirt with your work colleague, there are many ways to bring up things that may concern you. Such as is she being serious? Jokingly ask her why she doesn't have a queue of men her own age, ask her if she is hoping to learn from an older expert, say you know she would run away screaming if she saw you naked. Lots of jokey ways to get these things across.

I understand the last fling idea, and why not. Ask your wife if she misses her younger dating/sexual life? Maybe she would love a last fling to. If she does maybe you could have it together. Book seperately at a hotel, buy new clothes the other person won't have seen and seduce each other all over again.

Depending on how much you feel you can talk to her, you could discuss so many possibilities. Many women myself included fancy a last fling with someone of the same sex, if you could both handle it, you could give each other permission to do this. But have rules, decide first whether you want to talk about what happened. Remember things can get awkward after. Don't admit to things purely to ease your own guilt.

You know I always promised my husband a night with an oriental lady for his 40th, as that is a thing for him. He doesn't want to!! Theres no pleasing some people!

You know I always promised my husband a night with an oriental lady for his 40th, as that is a thing for him. He doesn't want to!! Theres no pleasing some people!

Not so, Kaz, it seems evident that you keep your man happy or he wouldnt hang about while you hump other people.

Inspect the word faithful, you and your guy are if he knows what you are ding and puts up with it and you are willing to keep him disesase free you are both being faithful to each others wishes.

Who gives a stuff if its not the normal definition of faithful.


az, if Liz knew what went on in my head I'd have been dumped long ago. Ithink this is a case of "dont know-cant hurt". I think a persons thoughts are sacrosanct if she were a Tory voter I think I could still love her. I wouldnt be happy if she dragged me along or disappeared to fundraisers and canvassing all the time though.

one love

<>

blicky, my main worry about starting a new relationship is feeling able to trust. Including what goes on in someone's head. I'm too old for games and too insecure to play them. But I doubt it is possible to find a man who doesn't play games in his head whilst thinking 'what she don't know can't hurt her'. Except it can. And eventually it always does.

Think about it.

az

Most people are going to fantasize about someone other than their partner at some point, surely?

I would say if it feels like a teenage crush then deal with it like it was one. It all comes down to the imagination, so displace your fantasies onto someone different. Preferably your wife, but failing that pick a celebrity or something.

Wow! The opinions on this site do not reflect the divorce rate; I guess all the comitted people are here.....
I think you are getting caught up in the rush and exhileration of it all; like riotact poetically put it about the heady bouquet of conquest and all.......I have been married only 11 years (much of it very trying) and the thought of an affair is tantalizing! I see men on their motorcycles and wow!! If I flirt with one of them too WOW!!! I fantazize too, and even have thought of an affair; but it would have to just be an affair; I already have a husband to do laundry for; I don't want to trade models. Just to have some of that rush and excitement and to know your attractive to someone else...it's absolutely intoxicating. But how likely is anything to stay at just that? It evolves. If your an older man she may be after your money or anything. Or she may really have the hots for you but what then- to repeat, have you seen Fatal Attraction? I'll repeat the idea that you need to put these emotions into your marriage. Maybe somehting is missing in your marriage; likely the "spark". I know it's gone from mine; things get routine, you see each other naked in "unattractive" times and so on....And marriage is not always fun.(Is it ever?) But you sound like you value your marriage and don't want a life change so don't change it. Be thrilled but be careful; flirting can be misconstrued, gossip can start etc., etc., ........Have fantasies in your mind, write a dirty little romance novel or whatever.....but don't throw your life and your wife's and children's(?) away over a rush. The hangover would be unbelievable!
Good Luck!
Ciao.
(I wanted a winking smiley; how do you get those?)
t

Morgan, if you type < winkeye >, or ; ) (both with no spaces), you will get

I can't remember it exactly, but there's a saying somewhere along the lines of "He who makes mistakes in haste must pay for them in leisure"...

...I know it must be a huge trip for a girl significantly younger than you to be showing signs of attraction...and the thought of an affair...especially with something more "conventionally desirable" than the same woman you've been with for years...but there's very little chance that you could do it without some sort of backlash, either inflicted by someone else or your own feelings of guilt and betrayal...let it go...

The saying I've heard is 'marry in haste, repent at leisure' - which isn't quite in line with the sentiments expressed in this thread!

I suspect that even those who have instigated divorce in order to be with someone else may have some regrets about the acrimony associated with the break up.

One other thought Bilbo, if this girl had not made any sort of overtures to you, would you still have fancied her or entertained any sort of fantasies about her?

kaz's entry is very good; i really agree with her wholeheartedly, even though our personal feelings are much different. i find lifetime commitment very important and rewarding, but that doesn't mean anyone else has to. but what i really like is this part:

"I understand the last fling idea, and why not. Ask your wife if she misses her younger dating/sexual life? Maybe she would love a last fling to. If she does maybe you could have it together. Book seperately at a hotel, buy new clothes the other person won't have seen and seduce each other all over again."

i was going to say something similar yesterday but got busy (after all, i AM supposed to be at work...). romance and passion can't be constantly present for 27 years, but that doesn't mean they just go south forever: those two are like swallows and swifts. i've been married 17 years, and about 8 months ago i fell madly, passionately in love with my wife for about the fourth or fifth time. it's not surprising; she's even more attractve than when we met: wittier, deeper, a better dresser...take a look at your wife bil, you might find the same thing!

This is probably the most interesting thread I've been involved in on hootoo. The opinions and attitudes expressed here are both fascinating and encouraging - it appears that, in the main, we advocate staying faithful to one partner. I particularly liked riotact's last post and it sounds to me like his wife has found herself a good un!

Fatasy is usually better than reality when it comes to lust. After the first hour anyway
Getting and hour with this woman that prpbably means nothing in the long run to her ,but a whole lot to your wife better be worth the consequences.

Take the compliment and your ego home with you.
A fantasy of perfection lasts a lifetime.

An affair will change your life in some way you probably cannot control..
The "compliment" feeds the ego and isn't that all you have to gain anyway?
Why risk losing anything if you are happy with this good moment?

Know when hold them,know when to fold them

Thats true Abbi, I still love to look and my ego loves the compliments, but I don't act on them anymore. We do really enjoy pointing out cute people to each other though, I still love to have a quick naughty thought, but neednt act on it anymore.

I was chatting about this to hubby last night, his main reasons for never straying are fear of violence, not knowing what the womans agenda is, using it as a sex abuse case at work, her going psycho afterwards etc etc. It sounded quite paranoid, but these things do happen sometimes and he would rather be paranod than risk havig a psycho affair which may result in bunny boiling etc.

He also said fear of disease, as condoms are not 100%. He said if he brought home HIV or something really serious, he presumed that I would leave him. He was surprised when I said I wouldn't.

Then again when we had the old transexual discussion he wasn't sure whether he could stay with me, whereas I said it would be great, now a whole load more interesting things to think and talk about!

I was on my own for 5 years, have been with H for 13 (the last four married) and reading this thread has reminded me of the pain of finding out my first husband was having an affair. We had been married for 10 years, had two lovely sons and he threw the lot away for an affair that didn't last longer than six months after he left. What is more he admitted he hadn't stopped loving me, just forgotten that he did

So the flattery you are feeling and the emotions being stirred, put to to good use. Treat your wife to some lovely evenigns out. Talk to each other, go to museums and art galleries and find out what things really inerest her there. I bet you will soon discover things you never knew about her.

I agree with the who ever it was who posted earlier saying that he falls in and out with his wife all the time. It is the same for H and I, the sons are now adult, only No1 son still living at home, so we make an effort to go out regularly and realy talk to each other. We have both been badly hurt in the past and now cherish the bond we share knowing that it could easily be damaged if neglected.

Please don't embark on an affair, the other half always finds out in the end, whether it's that anonomous phone call from the office or a change in attitude, the truth will emerge.

"falls in and out with his wife all the time"
Yep , I think that is pretty much the way it is for most.

It is a long term investment that sometimes requires delaying or skipping some *immediate gratifications but it is well worth it.

Dating your wife is always a good idea too like Caerwynn said.

I read this line in John Irving's short story "Other People's Dreams". It's the very best reason I've yet come across for choosing to avoid the temptation to be unfaithful to your spouse.

"He had understood, before, that she had hated him for his infidelity, but this was the first time he realized that his infidelity had made her hate herself."

should have been falling in and out of ~love~ with his wife, alcomohol!

H also says that a person in a position of power over another should be aware that a person lower in the company scale will flatter and flirt if he/she thinks it will give them a chance to advance in the company. As he is a General Manager of a C*sco partnership company, his professional advice is not to think it is you personally they are interested in.

He didn't actually phrase it like that, but after a few glasses of that is the best paraphrasing you are going to get from me tonight!

What they said.

Don't go there Bilbobilbo. It *is* possible for some people to have an affair, to keep it a secret, and still be devoted to their partner. But it takes a very specific mix of circumstances to pull that off and every single thing you say tells me that you don't come into that category. And I know the signs.

Post 9 indicates that the underlying motivation is to prove that there is life in the old dog yet along with a dash of curiosity. You want to explore another woman's body. Is that kind to your wife? YOu were presumably dating her when this girl was at primary school. I for one find the idea of making those sorts of comparisons invidious and incredibly disrespectful to the woman who has chosen to stay married to you for so long. As MoG says - infidelity can make the decived partner hate themselves, and that would do it for me.

Accept the flirtation as all the proof you need. I cannot remember who it was who said that he only accepted invitations to appear on radio - he always turned down invitations to appear on tv. That way he avoiding other people making a fool of him, and the invitation was flattery enough.

Post 13 describes what you are feeling. It is an evolutionary con-trick my friend. It is your hormones hi-jacking you in a last-ditch attempt to get you to spread your seed in fertile ground. It isn't real. You talk about it in temporary terms, so you know it isn't real.

The problem is that it would, presumably, be incredibly difficult for you to move from the office you work in, and any attempt to ask her to move would be seen as sexual harrassment. In fact as Caer says, just about any action in this situation could be seen as sexual harrassment. If you *do* have an affair she could claim she was intimidated into it. As Caer also says, it may not be you she fancies, it may be the promotion you can offer, or the favours you can give.

"Must add that I love my wife very much and would never want to hurt her". Do you have ANY IDEA how many times I have heard that one? My reaction these days is physical. It really does, quite literally, make me feel sick. If you love her don't hurt her. Not a complicated equation. If you are contemplating hurting her, then acknowledge it. The true statement here is "I am very comfortable with my wife but just at the moment she can swing in the wind". You can't have it both ways. Stare your self-deception in the face and know it for what it is.

I am not sure I agree with Kaz about trying to get the message across in a jokey way. It may be that the flirtiness drowns out the message. My advice - unusually for me - is to say nothing. I am still friends with one particular couple because I managed to prevent the man from making a pass at me. It took a hell of a lot of effort, but because the pass was never made and the boundary never crossed we are still friends. I suspect he has erased it from his memory. If you talk about the possibility of the affair in a jokey way, then a boundary will have been crossed. This is one of those situations where male reticence is actually a better option than female openness.

You want to get up Close and personal? Get a copy of 'Fatal Attraction' and a


Ben
*who hasn't changed her tune, but who is emphasising the bass-line not the melody*

poor Bilbobilbo!

I wonder if this was *quite* the response he'd expected.

It seems that most of us here are agreeing on one basis point - that if you don't want to hurt someone then don't do something that you *know* will hurt them.

Quite simple really.


az