h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A few points GB, Alex is a girl, the autisum isn't as bad as some, it's full name is Semantic Pragmatic Disorder, it's a mild form of autisum, I'm not married to Excelsior, I really don't want to go through that again, luckily he is ok with that, just wish his mother was, you'd have thought with 3 failed marriages in the family she'd have given up by now, I'm happy, he's happy, Alex and my mum are happy.

You know the old saying

If it ain't broke, don't fix it

About you husband's reaction to your son, my Grandad suggested that to my dad after my sister was born (She has severe Cerebal Palsey) but he wouldn't hear of it, maybe it's just old fashioned ideas coming out

The thing was, he knew what Andrew was like and he told me he wanted to be his Dad.
In return for me being his son's Mum {his mother is deceased}.
I agreed to this, but after we married, he wanted my son put away so "me, you & my son can be a family"
That wasn't the deal I signed up for.

He knew I'd lived with other men in the past, they arrived with nothing, and left with their own possessions.

No way was that going to happen to HIM, so he hookwinked me into marriage.
He thought it protected him against being thrown out. Also, he said when I married him, that half of everything I own belongs to him. Even though he brought nothing into the marriage...

*sigh*
He also thinks he's going to get £15,000 in the divorce settlement.


I you for not getting married. I can't abide interfering mothers. I stay out of my adult children's lives unless they specifically ask for advice.

I'm sorry too, Kaz, if you felt we were getting at you, certainly I wasn't aware of it, we were just all sticking in our , in the general flow of conversation. But sometimes posts can read differently to different researchers.

I have to say that you are the only person I have ever come across where your relationship works, without one or other feeling inadequate. I know it wouldn't work for me, but glad it does for you. You are both extra-ordinary people and I admire your honesty too.

GB, it sounds like he wanted you to bring up his son and his only

Kaz, I hope you're still reading - I don't think anyone was being judgemental about your lifestyle. I think it's great that you can be so open with your partner & have a lifestyle you enjoy. Hadn't you picked up the note of regret about monogamy in some posts?

Following on from your earlier comments I was going to say to Bilbo, that that's the only way it would work, if both partners are aware & approve of sharing their partner with someone else.

I missed the pretending bits
and where *you* personaly were judged Kaz

We were talking about possible styles,consequences and asking questions. Same way of making a decision to act or notreguardless of the topic.

Every relationship is different.
People design a life and design a marriage.
There are no rules about how to do it, we get to make them up!

There are consequences to weigh and accept in all we do.
Shared lifes have to have some mutual understanding and similar shared goals. Only the people involved need to agree , it's none of the worlds business.
More power to any two or more that work it out!

I know our marriage works because we are unconventional in spots, not in spite of it. Many people shake their heads at our ways.

You are happy ,no reason to argue with that and besides
feelings are not debatable.

Hello Ben, Hello Galaxy Babe and thanks for the hugs!(I'd sent you one but am picture incompetent...)
Maybe I should send hugs to everyone!
What a conversation; perhaps Shakespeare put it best in Midsummer Night's Dream; "What fools these mortals be....One sees Helen's beauty in the brow of Egypt" and so on about how mad love (or the lack of it) can make us. Maybe this whole Venus transit thing will help everyone out (sigh! Too Easy!)
I am happy for Bilbo and that the decision was made so quickly.
I find it impossible; and the longer I linger in between worlds the more I feel a part of each.
How do you know the One? How do you make such monumentous decisions?
If you are truly not happy, and want to be, but maybe, like in GB's story you won't be......aagh! I know what I want but I worry if I go after it it will become something else...Gosh! What a time....

How do you truly know the One? I don't think there is a One, I think there are many people in the world you can build a loving relationship with.

...the trick is finding them, then sorting the good 'uns from the

Caerwynn.

Let me use sport as an anology.

As a youngster I would practice by myself for hours and get into shortened or altered forms of the real game with anyone who was willing to share a game with me.

As I got older I was introduced to more structured versions of the game and eventually registered with one team. Now that team did not mind if I trained with other teams or even played in friendlies for other teams. I could still keep up my other sporting interests and they were happy for me to take holidays during the season. The clubs involved recognised that my involvement was volutary, I wanted to be there and saw no need to make onerous demands about exclusivity or or perfect attendance.

Just how committed do we want our partners to be though. hwat things do we expect or demand from them that arent really reasonable. Can they look at other people, talk to people of the opposite sex, what if the work colleauge they are going to a conference with fancies them? Would that be sufficient to cause a row.

The morals we have are quite individual as Kaz evidenced but why do we in general have this mania about exclusivity? Yes we all know about parentage, property and disease, but the ideal is so deep in societies psyche that we feel it even when such issues are not involved.

one love

What Caer said. There is no such thing as the One. That is why it is a continuous act of choice and renewal to be in an exclusive longterm relationship.

MorganLeFaie, I have left a not on your personal space.




Kaz, when I read the posts it seemed to me that the comments were not directed at anyone personally, other than Bilbobilbo.

One of the things I found remarkable was the variety of experiences that the women in this thread were recording. We have had every point in the triangle represented here, and it seems to me that we were treating each other with courtesy and respect.

As most of you know I have had happy relationships with men where I was their mistress. Ok, so I wasn't cheating, but I did encourage someone else to cheat. The reason I was not more explicit about it is because I genuinely do not believe that Bilbobilbo and his co-worker would be able to pull off what I and my lovers have pulled off.

Putting it simply, people who regularly sleep with someone who is not their partner know how to do it in a way which does not hurt their partner - as Kaz so splendidly demonstrates, but it isn't easy, as I can painfully testify.

Ben

Caerwynn - You will know when you meet 'The One', don't ask me how to discribe that feeling because I've tried for 3 years and still can't, but you will know when you meet him

Im happy for you Reefgirl but I hate the notion that there is a "the one" out there for all of us. First it smacks of a totally unfeasable sort of predestination that harks back to all sorts of backwards superstitions, but more because it gives people the idea that they have the right to some perfect partner. Ultimately I think the idea is very damaging.

one love

I've met the One for me, but there were plenty of potentials along the way and one disaster. But H is the One for me only because we know we both choose to be together, that we choose to build on our relationship and that we are more than capable of living on our own if we chose to. However we don't and we are both stronger individuals for being together, crikey, even my Mum said we were good for each other!

There could be other Ones for me and probably are, but I just choose not to look for them. It doesn't stop me looking and admiring though

<>

I don't know about in general, but in my case it is due to chronic and massive insecurity.

Meanwhile, though I do know that 'one-at-a-time' is the only way I can be in a relationship, I don't believe in the concept of The One. Someone may feel like an excellent 'fit' and be everything you want and need, but surely there is more than one person on this planet that would fit or else hardly anyone would ever fall in love.


az

I think I feel the same as Caerwynn about The One. I am sure that there are other people in the world that I could choose to spend my life with, but the fiance is the one that I happen to have met, and who feels the same way about me

Also like az, I couldn't handle anything but an exclusive relationship. I know that in sexual relationships I cannot develop any kind of emotional separation between sex/lust and deeper feelings. Because I cannot do this, I apply this to my fiance and will always assume he is the same (even if he isn't), so I could not tolerate him having sex with anyone else even if he does come home to me. I would always doubt his feelings for me.

As it is, we are both old enough to know that the first flushes of lust are not love, but what we are building now the initial honeymoon is over is a relationship that we are committed to, and will stay committed to.

k

If you watch the idea in romanticist poetry, its funny how the one always happens to live in the next village.

It's true though, in the past a lot of people found The One in their village, now with the internet The One is on the other side of the world and you have to relocate to find him.

Not to mention the girl/boy next door.


az