h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've a couple of reasons for thinking that exclusivity is a pretty good approach to developing a relationship. I spent over a decade of my youth with an extremely experimental approach to sex, and the quantity of my random samplings was ummmm... on research levels. So it's pretty fair for me to say that I've been there and done that. I'm just not driven by curiosity any longer on a physical level. In order to explore new depths of sexuality and love I have to open greater levels of trust, really be able to expose the hidden parts of myself, and be capable of coming to *know* someone else apart from the things I project onto him. That takes focus and practice. I don't think that most people have the capacity to be that focused if they're looking elsewhere for that kind of fulfillment. My theory is that that's what people who are in committed, satisfying, growth-based relationships are doing, though they might not think of it in those terms.

I've been with the same guy for, ooohhh, ages now, eleven years. The thing about sex/desire in long relationships is that it goes in waves - you can really really really fancy the pants off your partner in January and find the idea of so much as snogging too much like hard work in August. The trick is remembering how to be in love once the hormonal rush has faded. I fall in and out of love with my partner quite regularly - I always love him, but sometimes I'm IN love with him too. It's great fun. And it's very very important not to think 'well, that's it,' when you find desire on the wane. Trust it will come back, and it will. If you lose heart, and desire does come back, and you've decided it can't possibly be for your partner, then of course it'll find other people to fasten on - desire doesn't do vacuums.

Nicely said Agapanthus
That is the way I see it too.
Trust (a lot in yourself)is big through the ebbs and flows.
I expect new waves to come and they always have.
Thank goodness.

Alas, the best laid plans of mice and men, as they say.
It would seem that being asked to rub cream on a sunburnt,bra less, naked back proved to be my undoing. Not the whole way but all but.
I'm only human after all.

If it's not the whole way the damage can be un-done, if that's what you want.

Seriously.

The word 'no' I assume, failed to spring unbidden to your lips?

Bugger, eh?

I think she's being an irresponsible slut, by the way. Any woman who targets a man she knows to be married is a slut. If you have feelings for a married man, you discuss it gently with him fully clothed and not in the presence of alcohol. You do not waltz about half-naked asking him to touch you.

Not that this absolves you, Bilbo. But I do feel for you too.

Do you really, I mean really, want to jeopardise your marriage and deeply deeply hurt your wife for a stupid little slapper with the morals of an alley cat and the compassion and sensitivity of a bitch on heat? Now really, how much self-respect are you going to have in the morning? And how would that good woman your wife feel if you'd betrayed her, not with another good woman who loved you, but with a cretinous little slapper with a nasty father-fixation-type warped attitude to sex and no respect for other people? I mean it, stop thinking of the temptress as a nice or desirable person. Even if she's 'not that bad' or 'has a few issues' it'll do you kno good to think like that, and her no good neither - she needs to learn respect and compassion, do you think she will if men old enough to be her Dad fall drooling into her lap everytime she winks? Don't be so spineless. Avoid her like the plague. If after a good six months of avoiding her and trying to sort things out with the wife, you are still full of feelings for her, then you can reconsider. BUT NOT UNTIL. Surely if you are going to screw up your marriage you'd want it to be for something worthwhile, not a fling with a mental little cow?

You must have rather low self-esteem already, really, to get yourself into this sort of mess. Go and find a better, healthier and in the end SUCCESSFUL way of bolstering it. This way will leave you feeling like the underlay of a pissoir.

Surely, Bilbo, you must have already been 'most of the way there' to have been in a position to put suntan cream on a naked back in the first place.


az

Do you mind dear, as someone who has lived quite happily for four years with a man 'old enough to be her dad', I take issue with the idea that being attracted to older me someone makes one unbalanced with "a nasty father-fixation-type warped attitude to sex".

While I agree that the lady in question appears to be behaving little she does not have the morals of an alley cat, the age of the people in question is hardly central to the argument. Perhaps you believe her actions would somehow be 'less wrong' or 'excusable' if she was on a comparable age?

Bugger, that should have read-

"I take issue with the idea that being attracted to older men somehow makes one unbalanced with "a nasty father-fixation-type warped attitude to sex".

Bilbo,
How did you get into that postition? This is a colleague right? So did this take place in the office, or did you both sneak off somewhere in order for her to make the request?

Ignoring the issue of your marriage for a second, you are now in the ideal position to lose your job. If you are her boss then you are now open to accusations of either sexual harrassment from her or favouritism from the rest. If she has decided to target her boss then you need to think about what her motives may be (other than the ego-flattering one that she just happens to fancy the one guy in the place that she shouldn't touch). If the thought of losing your wife isn't enough to stop you then think about the implications for your job for a moment.

You need to sort this out in a way that isn't going to wreck your life. Be very careful.

Where are you going to draw the line Bilbo?

at what point will it becomes an affair........ already you are doing what she wants.......

I don't think age has to do with it, this is a woman who has set out to seduce a married man(from what we have been told), just because she can........ it is a power trip for her, an Bilbo is her victim this time, who will be next I wonder..?

Being judgemental isn't going to change things, what has happened is unalterable and in the past. It's only relevent in the way that it may affect the future.

What you do need to do is take a long hard look at where you are and what you want. And if it's a shag with a younger woman what the consequences would be.

Z (token male in thread)

I must say that the age thing never came into it. I suppose its the attraction of a different person. At the end of the day, she is attractive, funny, bubbly and doesn't complain about mundane things that are of no importance in this life.

I agree with that Z

at what point does flirtation become more?, it seems to me Bilbo is close to the point of no return, why didn't he say no to rubbing her back, an why is a work collegue exposing a naked back anyway? This is NOT normal workplace behaviour.

I'd ask if a quick bunk up would be worth spending your retirement alone in a bedsit. Look at what could happen. You could lose your house, your job, friends, family, everything. I understand entirely where you are coming from, attention from someone you believe to be unattainable is such an aphrodisiac. But this could quite easily wreck your life.

My advice is lots of masturbation. Make sure that you couldn't, even if you wanted to.

of course she doesn't talk about the mundane ordinary things that make up a life......you don't see her first thing in the morning,.... or on weekends......or after work......

KerrAvon, you're right, I'm sorry, I should have made it plain that a woman or man who falls in love with someone older is NOT the same as I think this woman is - playing merry hell with a married man's heart just because she can. 99.99999999999999999% of people in a relationship with an older person are in it for all the RIGHT reasons, like love and respect and finding The One, which has little to do with age. I'm very sorry I didn't take the time to make this clear as it was extremely rude of me not to! Sorry sorry sorry.

I am trying to make Bilbobilbo see this not from the point of view of a man besotted with a pretty young thing, but to ask himself very severely WHY a pretty young thing would want to start up a relationship with a married man (an UNAVAILABLE man) old enough to be her Dad. A good-hearted woman, if she had really fallen for the man, would I assume try not to inflame things or break up a marriage, and would want HIM to be sure of HIS feelings and NOT be just a male-menopause fling thing. From reading various books and from personal opinion, I find women who go out of their way to seduce an older married man (NOT who fall in love with him, falling truly in love is a different thing entirely, but who simply badly want s him to want her) often had a childhood where they felt their own father ignored them and they feel the need to get stand-ins for him to a) pay her attention and b) punish the Daddy/stand-in for not paying her attention when she was little. These poor women actively WANT to damage an existing relationship, to prove they can. A woman who fell in love would not want ot ruin an existing relationship as such - it might happen because of her love for the man and his love for her, but she'd feel concerned about it.

But I didn't make this clear and I am truly sorry as I do know age has no real bearing on true love. I just don't think that Bilbobilbo's situation is about that.

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Careful, you are in danger of sounding and behaving like a cliché, Bilbo. When you wrote that didn't you see the obvious reasons why someone you barely know would only talk to you about superficial 'fun' things?

Well, it sounds like you want to have this affair and that you are going to do it. So stop making excuses and don't say you weren't warned.

I feel very sorry for your wife. It seems you don't love her after all.


az

Well Mr Bilbobilbo, I guess you've made your bed, now you must lie in it.

It's an interesting thread for me this week, I was curiously lurking last week but the whole shebang has changed after I got a rather bombshell like phonecall on Friday night.
It seems my best friend from my student days has left his wife to take up with another woman. The twist is that she is currently the wife of another very good mutual friend of ours.

He got to me before the more hurt parties have and I'm left in a real quandary. I don't particularly want to fall out with anyone but I think I'm about the only friend he has left at the minute and I suspect if they find out I'm remotely on his side then I'll be a pariah too. All else, including members of his own family have
utterly (and unsurprisingly) disowned him.
I'm not particularly on his side for this but neither am I in a damn him to hell frame of mind either. One of the other friends involved in our little circle has told him he's disgusted and never wants to speak to him again. Oh the hypocrisy -he was twice in affairs in his previous relationship, including on several occasions (highly insultingly in my opinion) using his partners bed to commit the offence.
My perspective is frankly that I'm rather pleased for Jane (name changed) as her ex. whilst being a friend of mine, is not the sort of person I can see treating her with any respect in a marriage and I secretly always thought she'd made a mistake in marrying him (he has a long history of domestic violence for one thing - not that I'm aware of him abusing her). However, my friend has rather shot his bolt with everyone and has lost a *lot* of friends in this process. I hope he finds it was worth it in the end.
It will be interesting to see where this all ends when the dust settles.