h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

RIMMER: What about the Rimmer Directive which states, "Never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family?"

when Lister undergoes a mind swap with a female officer

wait... somethings different... I've got male genitalia...



If you like RD quotes, theres a great program that used to be available online - SmartQuote. It pops up a load of RD, Simpsons, Pratchett quotes randomly. I have it set to start when I turn my machine on. A guaranteed smile awaits!

"...Are you absolutely sure, Sir? That would mean changing the bulb."

LISTER: I'm gonna have a sheep and a cow, and breed horses.

Ace Rimmer: "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."



Or for more of a joke:
During some emergency where Rimmer was either trying to take command, abandon ship or both:

Rimmer: "Right, I'm invoking Space Corps Directive 51250."

Kryten: "Space Corps Directive 51250 - 'every delegate shall have no more than one car parking space'."

F

rimmer: how long do i wait till you get their?
holly: you know that war that lasted a long a long time?
rimmer: the 50 year one?
holly: no
rimmer: the 100 year one?
hollo: yes, now take that number and times it by five.




or something like that, been like 6 months since ive seen it

no, the funiest is still


rimmer: upgrade to code red!
kyrton: are you sure sir, that would require changing the bulb

LISTER: I'm NOT the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory mice? If I tell those guys to do something, they have to jump to it - "yes Mr Lister Sir, Eee Eee Eee Eee."

Don't get me started on Red Dwarf pleeeeese! When I was younger I was known to quote entire episodes. I'll spare you the torment.

"Gaspacho Soup!"

"This is mine, and this is mine, and this is mine...."

"Too slow, Chicken Marengo, too slow for *this* cat!"

"How am I lookin'? I'm lookin' *gooood*! If I looked any better, I'd be illegal!"

Myjo

"Is that female as in, soft and squidgy?"


And no, I'm not going to put the character, episode or situation - in any of my quotes. Y'all should know what I'm talking about!

"Considering God is infinite and the universe is infintite...do you want a peice of toast<?>"

"They just shot Winne the Pooh!"

Lister: The red, green and blue alert signs are all flashing. What the smeg does that mean?
Kryten: Well either we're under attack sir, or we're having a disco.

Kill two birds with one shower.

Cat: If I wasn't your friend, I'd steal your shoes!

Kochanski:

"I'VE TRIED, I REALLY HAVE TRIED TO FIT IN... I EVEN TRIED LEARNING WHAT 'OFFSIDE' WAS!"

"Squilookal? SQUILOOKAL?! Where did he come from? He's NEW!"

LISTER:

"It's not that easy Kryten... You can't see what's she's doin' with her pointy stick!"

ACE RIMMER:

"Simply had to dislocate both shoulders, pop them behind my ears and slip through the ropes.
Of course, it's going to take me major orthapeadic surgery to put them back into place, but that won't stop me from rescuing the Princess Bonjella"

"I didn't know your bread was buttered that side Bongo"

from book, when aganoid (simulant) is trying to drill through Ace's helmet with teeth:

"I think he's trying to kiss me or something!"

RIMMER:

"Follow the Rimmer shaped blur!"

"You can't scare me. I'm a coward, I'm always scared!"

"Come on you reds!"

"...of course, she did have an artificial nose...

(You what?!)

"Quality metal, no rivets!"

VENDING MACHINE:

"He stole a choccy-nut bar, HE STOLE A CHOCCY-NUT BAR!!"

LISTER:

"SAVE US! SOMEBODY SAVE US! BEFORE I WET ME KEKS!"

"I've just been molested by Tutankaman's horny Grandma!"

"I can't marry [the gelf]! She's obviously an Aries!"

ACKERMAN:

"/That's not true sir!/ I'm nice. Lovely, in fact. That's where I got my nickname from: 'Nicey' Ackerman."

CAT:

(whines) "Torture uuuuuus?!"

"We can't. [Lister] keeps remembering all the good times he had with Rimmer. I must have blinked and missed them."

NAZIS:

"[That was Ace Rimmer!]"
"[Huh?]"
"[We're lucky to be alive!]"

*aligator falls on them*


Sorry got carried away..

"Rude alert! Rude alert!...

Many whirlicks are missing from my Voice Recognition Unicycle.

Abandon Shop! This is not a daffodil - repeat, this is not a daffodil!"

When I saw you for the first time....

And I got a funny feeling...(Feelin'!)
In my kidneys and my liver...(Digestive system baby!)