h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My ex has the whole thing on DVD - and now we've split I can't watch it and take notes

(Apologies if I get this slightly wrong)

Kryten: This is the inquisitor. He hunts down the worthless, the scum of society, and exterminates them.

Rimmer: Well, we're in big trouble then.

And the classic:

Rimmer: Let me get this right, I'm a "smerr-heeee"?

Kryten: And a very big one too, sir!

Cat: On the whole a succesful trip!

Kryten: But we've lost Mr Rimmer

Cat: On the whole a succesful trip!

"Rimmer directive states, no chance you metal goit"

(Whilst watching The Flintstones)

Lister: Cat, d'you think Wilma's sexy?
Cat: Wilma Flintstone?
Lister: Yeah.
Cat: In all probability, Wilma Flinstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived.
Lister: That's good, I thought I was going crazy. What about Betty?
Cat: Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty... but I'd be thinking of Wilma.

Lister: This is crazy.
Cat: Yeah, we're nuts, this is an insane conversation.
Lister: I mean, why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flinstone?
Cat: Yeah [sigh].

Lister: She'd never leave Fred, and we know it.
[Cat nods in agreement]

I'm merely a mechanoid. It's not my place to point out what a bossy old trollop she is!

KRYTEN: Ketchup?! With lobster?

LISTER: Brown, not red! It's not like I've got no class!

KRYTEN: You want brown kethcup with lobster? I can't believe this! I simple cannot b-

CAT: Good going bud.. Now we'll have to do the washing up!

Holly: The only thing that keeps me sane is my friendship with my collection of singing potatoes.

LISTER: So you're saying all I've got to look forward to is death, zombification, then a quick after-death snog with Kris or the Cat?!

RIMMER: So let me get this straight. You want to fly, on a magic carpet, to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom... and you're telling me I'm insane?

A man made of dandruff? It'll never work. the first time you take a shower in medicated shampoo, you'll disappear!

LISTER: Are you sayin' I'm -- I'm gay in an alternative dimension<?>

LISTER: We used to go scrumping all the time, when we were kids...
We used to go scrumping for cars.

#Androids, ev'rybody needs good androids...

Awww Groovy-funky channel 27!

[KRYTEN]

It's just what I always wanted - a little box that goes "VZZT!"

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[RIMMER]

""I was Arnold The Great's Chief - Eunuch."

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[LISTER]
"It's Hitler's Diary!"

[KYRTEN]
"I'll switch to translation mode Hmmmm - Return library books, order more milk, Invade Poland."

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[LISTER]
"What I don't understand is, were on a spaceship 3 million light years from Earth - so where the smeg, did I get this traffic cone?"

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[LISTER]
"Think about it - in this world, ST Francis of Assisi is the petty man and sadist who goes around maiming small animals - and Santa Claus! Wot a B****rd! He's the great big fat git who sneaks down people's chimmneys and steals all the kids favourite toys!"

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[KRYTEN]
"My nipples don't work."

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[HOLLY]
*siren sounds*
"Abandon ship! Abandon ship! My word recognition unicycle has become corrupted - Abandon shop, repeat abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Oh dammit now the siren's bust. AWOOGA, AWOOGA - Abandon ship!"

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Not a quote - but cast you mind back to the scene in "Justice World" when Cat, not appreciating the dynamics of the new prison system smacks the Replicant over the head with a large shovel, grins and falls over.

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[RIMMER]
*in blonde wig, red and white striped Gingham dress and army boots*

"So let me get this straight. You want to fly on a a magic carpet to see the king of the Potato people and plead with him for your freedom? - and your telling me your completly sane?"

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He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer - without him Life would be much grimmer!

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[LISTER AND CAT IN CONVERSATION]

"Nodnol? Oh hAng on a minute - yeah Nodnol! "

"eh?"

"It's in Bulgaria innit?"

"you sure?"

"Geography was like my number one best suject at school man. Nondol, Bulgaria. Rich in animal produce and mineral wealth."

"Your so smart. I'm glad I'm with you."

"Well we are the smart party!"

one more

"and in other news archiologists have unearthed a startling discovery - it is thought to be a missing page from The Bible believed to belong at the front of the book it reads:

"To my darling Candy, all characters in this book are fictious and any similarities to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental"

Lister : We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?

Cat : Hey it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I'm worried about!

[KRYTEN]

"For does it not say in The Electronic Bible - that the Iron shall lay down with the Lamp. No Silicon Heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the little calculators go?"

Rimmer: And what is THIS masterpiece?

Legion: ... The lightswitch Mr. Rimmer.

Rimmer: ...So... I couldn't buy it then?

Legion: Not really, I need it to turn the lights on and off.

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GCW: Your NAME is Reality Sucks?!

[KYRTEN]

"Sirs! They've taken him, they've taken him - they've taken Mr Rimmer!"

[CAT]

"Well quick - let's get out of here before they bring him back!"