h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I wouldn't say you're rotten to the core.... I suspect you don't have a core, you're just a revolting putrid mass

you`re as pretty as a picture..

that wants hanging.

your teeth are like stars..

they come out at night.

your lips are like petals...
bicycle petals.

your eyes are like pools..
football pools

You were so ugly as a kid I hear your dad used to tie pork chops to your legs to get the stray dogs to play with you


When you were born the midwife slapped your mother


You were such an ugly baby they put you in a tinted incubator


You're an excellent advertisement for sterilisation


I hear you come from Iceland......"Buy One, Get One Free"

xxElsaxx

CONGRATULATIONS

You have won the weight of your brain in sweets at sweetshop.com

To claim your "Tic Tac" just register online now....


xxElsaxx

When they made you they broke the mold
then burnt it, then burried it ...

apologies for the repeats in the following

1. Ahhh... I see the f@ck-up fairy has visited us again.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
8. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
9. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s#|t.
10. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
11. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
12. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
13. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
14. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
15. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
16. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
17. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
18. You sound reasonable. Time to up your medication.
19. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
20. You!!! Off my planet!
21. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
23. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
24. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
25. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
26. Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.
27. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
28. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
29. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
30. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
31. If you want to know what's going on, don't ask the person in charge.
32. Your evaluation may have no relationship to reality.
33. You're educated beyond usefulness.

You - outta the gene pool! Now!!

Let's be the very best of strangers.

I don't wish to agree to disagree. I wish you would agree to disappear.

Yeah, I heard that radio program, too! Whatever respect I might have mustered for that fellow having dared to state his opinion I can never extend to you for daring to plagiarize.

They say beauty's only skin deep...well you must've been born inside out

The last time I saw anything like you it was disappearing round the U Bend

I think you need to take your face to the toilet...you're obviously verbally constipated

You take "Care in the Community" a little too far

So what do you do when you're NOT being the Village Idiot??

xxElsaxx

You (or in the case of obnoxious offspring) your child is the perfect justification for legalizing postpartum abortion.

Thanks for your insults, I'd hate to be appreciated by such a poor excuse for humanity as you

You only grew a beard so we wouldn't see "reject" stamped on your chin

you'd give an asprin an headache

CF

don't bother explaining your position, NOBODY cares !

As a worker you're less use than a man we haven't got

pick your own expletive, i'm sure most of them apply

I'm one of the very few people who'll even bother speaking to you, you surely don't expect me to say something nice

I am aware of this company's "Hire the handicapped" policy. What I am not aware of is the "handicap the hired" version.

I am not interested in gossip that does not describe your redundancy.

apparently an actual resignation letter.

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations.
Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.
After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties,
I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not
only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired
because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to
myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand
the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand
why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even
though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an
IP is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk
around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others.
You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked
for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn
it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring
ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green
algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a
sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a
full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation,
however I have a few parting thoughts.

1.When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to
give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I
prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over
the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to
get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I
conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files.
I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably
by the administration.
3.When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take
pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them
Like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never
seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have
been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter
of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to
correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your
little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.

Never mess with your systems administrators, because they know what you do
with all your free time.

Sincerely,
Ted Brewer

W O W !

"GO TED....GO TED"

Feel kinda inept at "cussing" now.....

xxElsaxx