h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Crunchy Frog -

(sounds more like a chocolate bar ! )

if your head was not screwed on you would lose it.

kat

this is a bizarre one:

your are off your trolley.

(was spoken in minder)

kat

When they were choosing sides for the Gender Wars, you must have been judged a non-combatant.

you long streak of donkey snot...a favourite from my school days...

Has someone already had Hilda Baker's
"You big girl's blouse!"

In your case, an exorcist would take pity on the demon and get rid of you!

When you were little, did you use a spray can on your coloring books?

What you just said was so unspeakable there must be an invisible ventriloquist behind you with his hand up your butt. No truly sentient being would ever choose to willingly say that!

Dear sirs and ma'am:

You will no longer be troubled with my bothersome presence after the fifth.

I apologize for actually attempting to do the job for which I applied and was hired.

I am sorry that it took me this long to realize that none of you have ever actually seen my job description as it was written by a former employee and you had the ad placed in the paper automatically, just as you have done when my 47 predecessors did what I am doing now.

If any of your secretaries actually force you to read this (or are nice enough to read it to you, as I understand that at least one of you have a congenital problem in this area), I hope you will listen to these few kindly proffered suggestions:

1. If you do not have any idea what is going on, admit it.

2. If you do not have any idea who you are talking to, admit it.

3. If the most you can accomplish in one day is finding the building, finding your parking space, finding your office and then the reverse, admit it.

4. If a subordinate tells you there is a problem that should be dealt with immediately, do not refer them to a committee. Deal with it. If you can not deal with it, find someone who can. If you cannot find someone, then call out for someone. The phone book is that large square yellow paperback gathering dust next to your bowling trophy from 1983.

5. If you have no idea what your company does to earn the money to pay your salary, admit it and find out. Now.

6. If you have no idea what exactly an employee does to earn their salary, admit it and find out. Soon.

7. Stop hiring outside firms to do your payroll, PR, IT, hiring, firing and janitorial services. It would be cheaper to do it inhouse and it would allow you some small knowledge of what goes on around there.
Many of your current employees are not remotely suited for the tasks which they are expected to perform, despite the fact that they were not in fact hired to perform them in the first place.

8. If you cannot possibly bring yourself to do any of these things then I suggest that you resign and take your severance package and move to Connecticut, Florida or Houston. You could not possibly be more useless as a retiree than you are as a member of management.

Oh, and by the way, Mrs. Irwinson? The reason you have to keep having your computer repaired is simple. Never water the plants on top of your CPU without a plate under them.
I tried to tell you three years ago but you told me that "staff gardener" was not my job.
That insipid comment has since cost the company over $12,000.
I was so happy you liked the Hydrangea and the copper watering can I gave you two years ago, Christmas.

With all due respect,
Signed,
Ian P. Blurd

How can anybody be so stupid with just the one Brain

THere will be loads of people at your funeral - to make sure you're really dead.


When you take a note out of your wallet the Queen blinks in the light.

look haveing known you for a lttle while i must ask you to promise to dance on my grave when i die ttttttttttttttvttim getting buried at sea

look haveing known you for a lttle while i must ask you to promise to dance on my grave when i die ttttttttttttttvttim getting buried at sea

Are you a natural born ass-hole or did you have to practice?

Your medical report states that your ass-hole transplant is rejecting you

so iv'e been told its trying to go home to its mummy who iv'e found was you

i have heard more sense coming from a politican.

central intelligence agency - now that's a contradiction in terms - quote from the usa submarine captain in the hunt for red october.

kat

He's doing his best in a difficult personality.

You not only fell out the ugly tree but you hit every branch on the way down

xxElsaxx

who d clever boy den

Aren't you the person who had to take a look when I said the word "gullible" had been taken out of the dictionary.