h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Catches loofa, starts to scrub back*

Where's the penguin? This place is getting surreal, even for an opium-induced vision of an Eastern pleasure-dome. Time for a little ypoo to clear my head...

*Slurp*

Mwahahaha...much better. So Swiv/Pinniped, do you think I've got the plasticine here? Because I don't. Last I saw of it, Swiv had it. Being the Plasticine-Bearer and all that.

But that's ancient history. all round! A toast!

*Raises glass*

To E-vil! Now, anyone for underwater fencing?

*swallows rapidly*

well, unfortunately Mr Legion, Mr-Wizard-on-Leave-Sir, I went and hid the plasticine most particularly, but it appears to have been abstracted from its bunch of mistloe by an Orchid obsessed with becoming a Nemethith

I'm not quite sure how to get it back, or whether to, I could just become an evil henchman of the orchid I suppose.

T'mershi... I think Mr.L is being seduced into a different, non thingite, decidedly less e-vil thread...

let's start some senseless violence to remind him why he built the Boardroom in the first place.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGgggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

drink drink drink i cant hack it anymore give me a large one

...grabs underwater fencing sword and slit bondaged penguins throat, just to show those little halfbirds how they´ll end up if they don´t behave....then gulps a quart of tequila in one belch and look around for some mean action to get into with my sword...Anyone unarmed around?

* the fax machine whirrs into life. Message from Pinniped (obviously too frightened to turn up in person)*

Dear Mr L and Entourage
I have gone into quarantine on account of distemper. Honest.
I will send the SYWM around soon to explain everything. Please be careful as he has a tendency to lie on people.
Please do not shoot any more of the Pier Bestiary for the time being as this cramps my Conversation-style somewhat.
I am a bit mystified by the assertion that other threads are not as violent as this one, since I have had to go into hiding in nearly all of them.
Sorry, did I say "hiding"? I meant quarantine.
Yours etc
Pinniped
PS - I am not responsible for Orchid's actions. Orchid came out like she did because of Coleridge's meddling, and you've already shot Coleridge, so I'm kind of hoping that your retribution for this has been carried out in advance.

Don't worry people, I'm here to stay But I am armed.

*Brandishes big cleaver. Wades into forest to find things to hurt with it. Preferably Moderators.*

In the 'What's your favourite Simpson's line?' thread, they removed a posting I had made of the Canyonero song. Where's the logic? They might as well remove ALL the postings... Ticked me off, so I'm definitely feeling like some evil now.

*Takes slug of whiskey from hip flask, settles into undergrowth with rifle and waits for Mod to totter by on the way down to the river to drink*

Patience, Legion, patience. The Mod will come...

Sorry about the little massacre a few posts ago, Pinniped, things went a bit Vietnam, we were shooting wildly into the oak panelling. I assure you that no more of your Pier bestiary will be harmed. As for Orchid, well, I guess I could forgive him. Or at least not kill him outright.

You can come out of hiding now Pinniped.

Pinniped?

Oh come on, you don't trust me?

Understandable, I guess. But I promise, the only poster I may try to decapitate is Irishman, if he keeps doing those long words that muck up the page You may be my countryman, but I will still *destroy you*

* The head of a monstrous Elephant Seal breaks the surface of the River Alph *

...Ahem...

Apologies for a certain tardiness. I think I must have taken a wrong turning tributary back there at the Sunless Sea. Nevertheless, may I introduce myself, and thereafter delight in your acquaintances? I am the Speak-Your-Weight-Machine...

* stares disdainfully into the muzzle of T'm-D's elephant gun *

...please do not insult me with a firearm designed to dispatch mere land-based pachyderms...

...Ahem...where was I?

Ah, yes. Pinniped has quarantined himself. I come to plead on his behalf. Pinniped, I said, I will plead on your behalf. I do not for the life of me know why I should, given the grievous slights and injuries that you have inflicted upon me during the time of our wretched acquaintance, but plead I shall, for no-one else can reasonably be expected to plead for your miserable skin.

And he was disparaging at first, as is his thoroughly contemptible wont, and then his repulsive face took on its scheming demeanour, and he declared that perhaps I was the perfect choice to re-align the priorities of his persecutors, since they would hardly be able to concentrate on phocicide while in the midst of a life-and-death struggle with terminal narcolepsy...

Tsk. I don't know why I bother with the evil-smelling little oik, really I don't.

Nonetheless, here I am to plead. The explanation will be long, turgid and maddeningly obtuse, for that is the way with the doings of the repugnant creature with whom you have unwisely indulged in this misguided intercourse. But plead I must, and explain I shall. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin...

Narcolepsy is right. Mr. Machine, you're always welcome here. I've always considered you a class act. But can it wait till morning?

*Throws glass of into river, pulls straw hat over eyes, snuggles down into deckchair and snores*

Hmm.. since this is our Pleasure Dome,
why isn't there a river of ?
*Brandishes sword, thinks of going
after Irishman for screwing up the
page... reconsiders and sheaths sword...
begins shooting tommy gun in Irishman's general
direction*
Ah, take that you rat!!!

Sneaks up towards Yankee-shoes with sword in one hand, and the head of a penguin in the other. Charges with penguinhead....screaming loudly like a madman.

*Sits back, arches fingers and proceeds to clinically dissect T'mershi's personality with blunt tools*

Annoying, isn't it?

*Shoves YS out of the way of the charging T'mershi*

Don't worry, YS. Her aggression probably stems from a dysfunctional childhood.

Now let's all get p***d!

*annoyed to at Mr.L* You really must stop saving my life... I can't keep being indebted to you. What do you plan to do with the penguin head, Duween?

Tell you what, you can save my life in return. Then we're square.

*Pulls out big stick with nail in it*

Now I'm about to clobber myself over the head with this stick. Take it off me.

The penguinhead is purely for aesthetic purposes.

S**t, there I missed YS, just because Mr. L. have this annoying habit of saving lives.


Ok let´s get p''''d.




TD.

Sorry, next time I won't interfere. You can slaughter to your hearts content. Meanwhile...

*Shifts slightly on feet, beginning to sweat*

...I've been holding this spiky stick over my head for 4 hours. Yankee? Yaaankeeee? Will someone take it off me, *please*? I can't reach my ...

...Ahem...

...In the beginning there was Pinniped and Lion (he of the uncertain whereabouts), and they came upon Pingu, who was in something of a bad way...

* stares impassively at penguin-entrail-strewn landscape *

...well, in a relatively bad way, anyway...

...Blah...

...rigorous training, in the days when guerilla training camps could be incorporated into threads within the limits of good taste...

...Blah, blah...

...a wall-eyed killer, under Pinniped's wing, or more correctly, flipper...

...Blah...

...Pingu met his match in GoldSpeech...

...blah, blah, bla-ah...

...and Pinniped found himself with a black-and-white executive stressbuster, instead of a personal assassin...

...Blah...

...one Ms Alberta Coleridge, an albatross, who rose in favour with the Dogs as Pinniped declined, following an unfortunate incident whereby a battleship became lodged in a high mountain pass...

...Blah, blah...

...Pinniped, bent on vengeance, attempted to fashion the remains of Pingu into a monster, and what could be more monstrous in the eyes of a seal than a Killer Whale...?

...Blah...

...but Coleridge switched the plasticine...

...Blah, blah, blah, blah...

...a three-foot Killer Whale with a speech impediment and a house-training deficiency, calling herself Orchid...

...Blah...

...banished by Pinniped, Orchid hid in the Sergeant's Cupboard...

...Blah, blah...

...Coleridge schemed to destroy the plasticine once and for all...

...Blah...

...a Quest, backed by the Ross Island Dependency Tourist Board, who were piqued by Mr Jackson's inexplicable preference for New Zealand...

...blah, bla-ah, blah...

...deposited in the Cracks of Damp, but it was frustrated by the Questers fixation with minor TV celebrities...

...Blah...

...beguiled by some Wizard or other, they failed to get out of Central London...

...blah, blah...

...a careless elf was left in charge of a relic more dangerous than she knew...

...Blah, blah...

...Pinniped joined the Thingites, annoying new Researchers in his pathetic search for attention...

...blah...

...a thread where murder was essayed for fun seemed safer than the many in which they wanted to kill him for real...

...Blah, blah...

...Pinniped cynically lured his old rival Coleridge to her death...

...blah...

...but no-one could have foreseen that Orchid would go after the remains of Pingu, her procurement of which will shortly lead to the End Of The World As We Know It. So there you have it. The whole story from start to finish, and the disgusting little otarine is clearly exonerated, I'm sure you'll agree. In fact I see that Mr L had decided to forgive him already, for some inexplicable reason, but I simply had to get all that off my chest anyway. OK? Very well then. It really doesn't matter much whether Pinniped comes back or not. We're all Doomed, unless someone reclaims the Plasticine pronto-quick-sharp. Thank you so much for listening. Toodle-pip!

* splash. As the SYWM departs, a Veil of Torpor is mysteriously lifted. Several of the remaining penguins awaken, and promptly explode in a welder of blood and unmentionable bodily excrescences *

Someone got a mop? Maybe just a hose would do...

I had always wondered the back story of the Quest. That's sort of like the Silmarillion, then, isn't it? And can I un-forgive Orchid? I never liked the scheming little twerp...

"...the Questers fixation with minor TV celebrities..." Yeah, yeah. Who was it included Jamie Theakston in the enemies anyway? Ridiculous.

"...beguiled by some Wizard or other, they failed to get out of Central London..."
Well, fair enough. I made it clear from the beginning that I was in the Quest for the money. Speaking of which:

*Ahem*

...there is an outstanding bill of £637,914.50 due to me, or the wizardly offices of Potter, Potter & Legion. We are reasonable men. It was understood that Pinniped, or one of his personalities, would attend to this bill. I repeat, we are reasonable men. We will continue to be reasonable men until 30th August, when we shall become raging, violent, vengeful psychopaths. So now we understand each other.

Now could *someone* *please* take this club from me, or I'll be forced to injure myself...for some obscure reason...

* a short blotchy individual with whiskers and fish-breath reappears *

Hello, all!

* hands Mr Legion a fish-credit voucher to the value of £637,914.50.
Redeemable in the form of one thousand four-hundred and seventy-six point-eight-one tonnes of fresh mackerel on or after 30th August, or in the event of the End of the World, whichever is sooner *

...in the short time left to us, I've kind of decided that it doesn't really much matter whether I've got distemper or not, or for that matter if I pay off my debts by cashing in fish-futures that I possibly don't own in the first place.

Now where were we, in that underwater fencing match?

P.
( I was sure someone was going to shoot the SYWM. Fancy making me type all that out instead. Well, really...)