h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ahh... there's the great, randomly violent boardroom I was so keen on in the first place. *relaxes back into a retro chair with a .

I'm so glad we're friends J.J.... I'd really hate to be on your bad si-

*begins choking from "force" exerted by the slightly off Jedi... tries to signal to Legion to bail her out, but he is trying to get a glimpse at some Jade ankles, begins to wonder; Maybe it's not the force, maybe it's the special mix ... knew I should've stuck with ... too bad I'm too busy choking to death, I could be warning Mr. L that the real Saddam is standing behind him and doesn't like his current get up....

Y.S. Passes out*

"...it is to be evil when you're so ed cute..."

I totally agree, JJ. It's a daily struggle. Nice shades. But please don't crush any throats, it's bad manners. And it's so much more e-vil when you have good manners - notice the way Blofeld always calls Bond 'Mister Bond', and not 'you silly git in a tuxedo'?

*Distracted from ankle-gazing, notices YS choking and gagging but does nothing, because this is Argentinian and that sort of thing is to be expected. Mr Legion recommends Wolf Blass*

Aaanyway, shall we get started with the whole evil plot thang? Hehe...I'd love to see Hussein's face when, on top of being bombed to smithereens, he's sued by the Pirelli corporation for blackmail. It'll be priceless...what a dumb schmuck...

*Twirls fake moustaches, chuckles evilly - only to be twirled around in chair and faced with the very real, very p****d-off Saddam*

Ummm...this is a private function. Members only. I'm - I'm afraid you'll have to leave.

Hussein: "Hyou make a fool off me? The Bootcher off Baghdad? Hi weel keel you! Rarr!"

*He flicks out a hunting knife and advances threateningly*

Who invited this guy in? I know it's a Boardroom of Evil and all, but this is just *ignorant*.

*Hussein slashes the knife at Legion's throat. Legion leans back quickly, looking horrified and annoyed*

JJ? YS? T'mershi? Time for some of that random violence we like?

*Y.S. is no longer choking, but passed out on floor peacefully dreaming of clubbing baby seals, and completely unaware of Mr.Legions final moments with Sadam*

...did anyone say babyseals....Puts down and grab buffalorifle to shoot nearest babyseal right smack in the head.


......

*At the sound of shooting, Y.S. arises, grins at T'mershi, strides over to the minibar, where she quickly whips up some appearant waterballoons, which are actually filled with BoE recipe Napalm...*

Take a dozen or so off my hands, Duween. Let's get Saddam... not to help Legion, mind you... but he's blocking the line of fire to the small helpless animals frolicking about the pleasuredome forest.

*Lobs napalm balloon at Saddam, not only missing him, but narrowly missing Mr.L as well. It bursts on some remanant oak paneling, blistering and stripping the finish.*

Sorry, passing out from asphixiation must have affected my aim. Oh well... as long as there is destruction, what are consequences?

Yankee, you have horribly aim, has anyone ever told you that...?

*cracks her neck a few times and stretches her left leg up and back so it touches the back of her head ('ala Cirque du Soliel). She then jumps directly upward, then down into two front handsprings and eventually lands in front of Saddam. Finally, with every indication that she's enjoying the h**l out of this, ceremoniously crescent kicks Saddam in the head*

Well done! But, I would watch out where I stood, were I you, I absentmindedly armed T'mershi... ooh, baby seals...*passes out again, confused*

*Tries to simultaneously applaud wonderful violence and fume at damage to oak panelling at the same time, fails, makes interesting little squeaky noise*

Schreeeee...

*Boiler-suited drones tie up the unconscious Hussein and gag him. Then they shave an embarassing word into his hair. Just for kicks*

Right. As soon as these baby seals are dead, we're coming right back here to get medieval on this guy's ass. We're talking racks, iron maidens, maybe even the wire waistcoat... But seal-clubbing must take precedence over torture. Wake up, YS, we're having a good old-fashioned killing spree! By gor it's been a while... Last one to the killing fields is a rotten egg!

*Giggling excitedly, grabs a baseball-bat-and-nail combo weapon and runs out the French windows towards the seal-infested river making little angry noises *

>SQUISH!<

>BLUDGEON!<

>LACERATE!<

>POW!<

*Assorted sounds of seals in agony, sounds like "Owroo! Owroo! Owroo!"*

::..Those napalm balloons looks gggGGOOOOOOOODDDdddd!!!!!

Takes aim at Saddam....throws, and then grabs buffalorifle to shoot and hit the balloon just before it hits Saddams face. Should make some nice fireworks for the occasion.


Helllll... I even believe I got 2 of his dobbelgangers at the same time....Yeeeehaaa.


Now can we get to the babyseals; or do we need first?


.....buys everybody a round of shots...

*Gets up at the sound of someone else buying shots, picks up Mr.L's discarded Naily board and runs after some seals*

Nice shot, Duween! ... too bad we couldn't find Bin Laden.

Blast! Baby Seal innards on my thighlength black suede boots. Guess I'll just pop them off, avert your eyes, Legion... I am not leg candy.

doesn't feel so e-vil to drink now... my Mum said because the drinking age is lower in Britain I'm allowed to drink in the Boardroom. Permission takes all the fun out of it.

Might I come in here at this moment

*Some bizzare man in a shirt and tie walks in to the room*

I think Osama is hiding under the floor boards listening to every word (and shot).
Just thought I'd let you know. If you want me you know where to come.

*Walks out of the room*

Oh, my... Terran is new to the guide... don't know whether to trust him... or any of you for that matter...... Anyone wanna go have a look at bin Laden.

*busts out a pint of , but since she dun drink, it's only root beer*

You know ya can't trust me, Yank! *makes a motion as to choke her with the Force, but then again and doesn't*

So there's a new bloke in here I can be eye-candy to? Yay!

And what about that Hussein Character? Are we going to burn him at the stake or what?

Which one is Saddam, and which Legion? Oh no! Star Trek Flashback! Which one is our real captain?

Whatever, kill 'em both, T'mersh, then we can go after the bloke under the floorboards.

Whoa there!

*Rips off fake moustache *

It's me, Legion, honestly. If you don't believe me, I could show you the tattoo...but you really don't want to see the tattoo...oh alright, here it is...



Happy? We shall never speak of this again. This is an official edict decree thing, understood? Now let's see about Bin Laden...

*Takes handy crowbar, pries up floorboard. Reaches down, pulls out...*

...a squirrel. Oooh, he's got a little nest in there. Apparently Terran is even more paranoid than is the norm for the boardroom. Where's he gone? And what is that suspicious package he left on the table...



*Dives for cover behind JJ, milliseconds before a huge explosion rips through the BoE and *really* messes up the oak panelling*

*Meanwhile, the squirrel has scampered out into the garden. It makes a little scree-scree noise. Seconds later, a large black Mercedes pulls up, and the door slides open to admit the squirrel. The furry critter hops in, and the Merc zooms off*

*Dusts self off, spits out blood*

Hmmm. Did that car have Pirelli tyres?

*Terran walks in, followed by a large clanking robot. Terran seems slightly amused by this, as it is highly improbable that a large clanking robot could follow him in with out him seeing it*

Robot : "Pirelli tyres? Seen them before. No very interesting. Neither was that squirrel that looks nothing like bin laden. Depressing that, isn't it. I mean here you are enjoying a good blood thirsty fight, and then some robot with a brain the size of a planet.. Me brain the size of a planet, I don't know why I said that twice, I just thought it would be too depressing not to say it again. Its too much effort even to think about it. Far too depressing... why even bother to worry about it. I hope I'm not depressing you all too much. I am aren't I, your really bored aren't you, I can tell. I mean I follow some guy in, and you hope that the robot behind is more interesting, but no its me. Not very interesting at all. God I'm depressed!"

*Sensing that the mood in the room has just lowered in mood Terran walks out hoping that no one will notice him.*

*looks up at Terran after ignoring the robot's speech*

What the are you doing back here...?

No wait, don't answer that. *hops up and produces a CD out of thin air (awww stop with the oooohs and aaaahs kids, it was just sleight of hand, yo,) and uses her Force powers to place it in a strategically placed CD player. She then uses the Force to push the button marked "Rock da Hizzouse"*

*Tennacious D's "Tribute begins to play, and JJ runs up to Terran and grabs him. She begins to dance the Tango with him*

*She spins him about the room, apparently either confusing or disturbing him quite a bit (perhaps both*

*After about five minutes of this, she pushes him back off of her and leaps back to her perch upon the table*

Eeeeh, he's an all right dancer. I'd say he's all right to stay.

*Granny wanders back in after a very long search for the tea bags*

anyone? I believe it's traditional after a bout of mindless mayhem.

The Manchester Marrow's on Saturday, anyone got any derring to do or quests to fulfil or anything like that? I'm taking my tartan shopping trolley so I can carry plenty of stuff.

I'll have one Granny, please. Things have gotten more than normally out of control... I think Pirelli CEO Marco Tronchetti Provera is trying to drive me mad...

*Takes kindly-offered , dumps half a bottle of vodka in it, sips gratefully*

I needed that. Got any evil plans in that tartan shopping trolley, Granny? We can always use witches in the BoE - we could put a curse on this Provera bum.

Welcome aboard, Terran. Since you cut a mean rug, it appears there's a place for you here. We've got the really long table here, minibar in the corner, pleasure gardens of Xabadabadu out through the French windows and the torture pits are out back.

Mind my cauldron if you're going out on the patio.

All the evil plans are in the rucsak Mr Legion, but that's coming with me on Saturday, otherwise I'd have nowhere to put the camera . I'm hoping to get some compromising photos of Clive