h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*blinks in the dark*

* Bassman finds his way across the room in the dark to where lighthousegirl is propped against the bar *

Sorry old gel, what an extrodinary turn of events what! Didn't mean to have things go so terribly wrong - who could have predicted this would happen. I'll try and make it up to you....

* stumbles off, breeks round the ankles and trips - base over apex - across Pandora *

I say Panders old gel, thanks for the sorft landing what. Are you OK?

Who was the blaggard who copped a handfull at your expense? I'll have him shot at dawn - debagging is too good for 'im.

* Twirls mustache menacingly *

No time for those sort of capers in the Chap's Club - we're aALL gentlemen here - errrr.... with the exception of Scrotum and Hogg.



Bassers

Has anybody seen my man Godfrey??? He was just undoing my girdle when the lights went out and now I can't find him anywhere.

* There's a loud crash.

That's dashed torn it. I appear to have put my foot through a large drum. Forgot we had a live band in for the dance, doncha know!

I say chaps, what's occurring? Do I keep undressing or what? I think I should be about done by St Swithins...

*the lights suddenly come back on. Redders is seen attempting to streak out of the grand ballroom door starkers with his underpants on his head shouting for his driver*



*sadly for Redders he runs into the ladies powderoom by mistake*

I say chaps, I always wondered about Redders.... Looks like my suspicions weren't unfounded after all.



* Removes himself from the tangle with Panders, hitches britches and strides manfully orf to where lighthousegirl is stood. *

Sorry it's turned out to be such a shambles my dear, I'll call my driver and I'll escort you home.



Bassers

* Pauses mid-strip, with his vest around his ears.

I say chaps, is the ball over? Damn bad show, just beginning to enjoy myself!

*looks at the zipper down the front of her gown*
oh dear... if I turn this dress around then what am I going to do about that hole I had put in for the HT???

...sitting in the middle of all the rubble a bit worse for the wear after Bassers used her like a tramp. er, a trampoline that is...* I want each and EVERYone of you to grab my breast! I'll want this to continue until I find the thug who gropped me in the dark! So The Bassman can trottle him!
I say Batty, I do see your problem...here...*tosses a top hat to Batty...*you can just leave your hat ON! *tries to move but cuts her gown & self with each move...* I'll just wiat here. *begins tapping out an S.O.S. with shards of glass..*

*sits at the bar and sips pepsi*

*still recovering from the panic in the darkness. Still tied to the pole.*
*looks around... looks down*

This is NOT amusing!!! Alright, which one of you stole my thong!!!
*attempts to cover himself...
fails miserably*

...*still sittng in the glass & rubble Pandora yells to Apollo...*
DON'T WORRY HON! No big thing!Ouch!
...*is cut again on the glass...* it only hurts when I laugh
Ouch!
Who's a lady gotta' lick around here to get a drink?!? *sigh*

*...tries to stand but the glass just keeps cutting her barefeet...*
MEDIC!!!!!!!
I wanna' drink! ...*smacks her hands onto the floor...*CRUNCH*
Owwwwweeee....

*there is a crunching of gravel outside the Grand Ballroom as the Chaps Club limousine driven by Hog pulls up*

Evenin' Sorrs - oi 'eard thart it arl went pear shaped and that Mr Redders is AWOL but oi 'ad no idea thart things were this bad.

*looks around at the shambles in amazement - destroyed chandeliers, torn ballgowns, spilt drinks, half naked Chaps*

Yarl be pleased to 'ear thart the Club's SWAT team of elite para-Lawyers will be ere shartly to tidy up the mess and handle arl the claims for compensation as per narmal, gents.

Your "victims", *tsk* sarry your "guests" and creditors will be well looked arfter.

Moind you oi ave heard thart there are several maidservants on the look out for Mr Pollers on account of 'is larst visit mind you so getting art moight be a touch tricky.

Whatwhaat!!? It's over?

You mean I have to get dressed again after I've only just climbed *out* all the bally stuff?

Where's my retainer gone?

ha! i avoided the whole shameful shenananaignansninans

s UNCLE!!!!
If someone won't help me up from this rubble, would someone please shove a drink my way with a broom or something?
I haven't been THIS sober since yuesterday!

*sea slides pandora a PGGB *

*in giving pandora the drink, sea slips on the broken glass, falls on her bum, and grabs UH's trousers on the way down and pulls them down to his ankles*

MY EYES!!!! MY EYES!!!!MY EYES!!!! MY EYES!!!!

... worked up a thirst I did!

Poor sea!
See?!? THIS is what I'm talking about......
Now... I'm not the only Lass
sitting in a sea of glass...
in a ball-gown,
whilst abled bodied men
abound!
They didn't do a Montey
they gave no flesh for pence...
yet late at night they wonder,
"where the hell's my wench?"

ahhhhh-haaaaa!!!!...*dizzy from blood-loss...*
Someone pick US up and someone DO IT NOW!!!!!
please?
...*begins to softly sob as her hands, feet and designer gown are in dire need of attention...feels total responsibility for sea having been harmed while bringing her a drink... well...at least there's the drink...*

*stands at door open-mouthed with amazement at chaotic scene within. Finally comes to senses enough to grope in bag for camera. Finds camera only to discover the films run out. Swears quietly at the irony, shrugs, walks to bar and trys to order a drink...*

Hey barman? Can I getta Coke over here? .... whatdaya mean you only have pepsi? .... aw shucks... okay, give me a vodka then...