h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Can`t recommend goin` out there today, old chap, soggy as `ell after that downpour! Best bet is a few wets methinks, let things dry out a bit. Not good for the old joints, y`know, damp plus fours!!

Now chaps we have 3 weeks to go to the old annual bash and all that and we need some volunteers for the `Full Montgomery`. I know all you chaps will be a bit anxious about putting the family jewels out on display for the ladies but just think of it as another prep school romp eh !

So who`s up for it then ?

*puts up `volunteer here list` on Club noticeboard*

I take it you are signing up too, Cap'n Red?




*signs name, mostly legible*

I say, I'll sign up for the romp on stage - under the old limelight eh what - as long as you other chaps don't mind feeling a little inferior in the quality and quantity of your danglers!!

I say chaps stop sniggering, Gongs I'm talking about, MEDALS!!

What did you think I meant?

Huuurrruuummmppphhh.





Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

For the sake of clarity and all that, yes I`ll be up there with the rest of you Chaps baring all for Queen and country, what ! Splendid.

Bet I`ll give the gels a bit of a fright

Well I suppose Ill do it, specially after a couple of McLurchers whatnot.

Anyway chaps how many do we need for this right royal romp eh?

Is this the sign-up for the Montgomery Cross Veterans' Association, chaps? Yeeerrrsss, always thought the boys down at the squad had a good thing going there.
All the sherry you can smoke and cigars on tap... or something like that... Don't recall who runs the place now I come to think of it...

*signs up name absent-mindedly*

...used to be old 'Swizzers' Trumpley, but I know he got laid awf after that fiasco with the tea-maid. Heard they replaced him with a dressmakers dummy, what!

I'll sign pop me in a boob tube and call me barbara if it isnt so, what?

* Signs up*

I say, this should be a bit of a wheeze!! Full frontal an` all that! Better get the old tackle fettled up, haven`t seen it for a while, what!!

Well I think this will be wonderful. If not you can call me Barbara. *deep belly laugh*

i said that already, old boy...

I know ol chap, not stealing your thunder, theres a metaphorical Barbara in all of us.

Not sure I want to be getting mi tackle out in front of any chap called Barbara - that's the sort of thing that would get a chap drummed out of the regiment!!



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

And as for having a bit of Barbara in us....

I had a bit of me in Barbara once - smashing fillie too, but never a bit of Barbara in me!!

Huuuurrrruuuummmmpppphhh.

Mutter!!



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

Been with a Chap called Barbara eh ! Now that`d be entirely due to a serious malfunction with the old beer goggles I shouldn`t wonder. what !

Blimey guv'nor, which one of you gents ordered some Clencher?



Scrotum (The Wrinkled Retainer)

awfully! *snort*

Good Lord ! Scrotums back !

*monocle falls out again*

Over here with the Clencher, Scrotum old chap, nice to see you back!!
Been doin` a spell *inside* or summat?

I say Lurcher old boy - that's hardly the way to talk to the hired help. Treat 'em mean keep 'em down.

Scrotum - another G 'n' T and make it snappy will you!!



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)