h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Bowel Clencher eh?

I'll have to give that a whirl - sounds like it might help with the old Knobbys....



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

Wonderful ... I mean Splendid ! .

*guffaws*

Another Chap for the Chaps club. Pull up a lounger and tell us all about yourself dear Boy.

For drinkies we now have an ample supply laid down of Bassemans Tawny Port, Glen MacLurchers fine old scotch whiskey and now some of this bally new Bowel Clencher, eh ! Splendid.

On Feb 14th we have a Ladies Night at the Chaps Club and we`re lining up all the gels we know for a bit of a bash, what ! Jolly caper and all that !

i say. i can hardly wait, im so excited, what?
*falls asleep*

I can I blame you old boy, these armchairs are comfortable i must say and the tipple does give one notions of sleep whatnot.

hmm, Valentines do is it, well Ill see if I cant get my good diner jacket out and bring my Laura along or I wasnt a RAF pilot in the war.

Wonderful.

I say chaps, I've had my invite to the Valentines dance accepted by a young gel, so I want you all on your best behavior on the night. No dropping ice cubes down the cleavage and all that rum stuff don't-yer-know.

Any of you guys fancy one of me best cigars? Rolled on the thigh of a Cuban Virgin I'l have you know.



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

Well... be a good man and light her up! Not meaning the filly, mind you

I say, I think I've forgotten me matches. Any of you other chaps....

* fumbles in waistcoat pocket *

Ah Ha, here's the blighters.

* strikes match offers it up to St. Apollo *

There you go old boy, how does that tickle yer whiskas?



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

Ahhhh.... those Cubans...

So Bassers you old dog you, gotchyerself lined up with a gel already eh .

Here`s a toast chaps "here`s to wives or girlfriends ....... may they never meet"

*guffaws loudly at own joke*

Seriously tho' who`s the lucky gel eh Bassers ? Might arsk someone along to escort meself, what ! Splendid idea.

(mutters in sleep)

...well dash it all, Smythe, the cleaner ate all the leftovers...mmmm.... jolly good jaw action what.... mmmmmm

The wonders of this new fangled technology business whatnot, lets you meet such wonderful girls - any of those Cuban virgins left?

Yes, there`s a little Nymphette over at Mt Olympus that has caught my fancy, what ! from a damned good family to boot. Might just chance my arm and arsk her to the knees up. Eh .

Still life in the old dog yet ! Woof Woof !!

Splendid news Chaps .... just gort the formal invites for the Do of the Year back from the jolly old printers, what.

*Reads from Splendid Gold Embossed Cards*

Ahem, see what you reckon to this then .....

Dear Gel, those splendidly upright Chaps down at the Chaps Club (http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F75930&thread=157452&skip=0&show=20) are having a bit of a jolly bash this year to celebrate Valentines Day. It would give one immense pleasure if one could accompany one to this bally knees up, what !

No pressure old stick, but if you`d like to pop along to the Hotspot at http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A624322 and find your way to the Ballroom on February 14th we can promise you a spiffing time.

The Chaps will all be splendidly attired in Full Military Dress Uniform (medals and regimental tie de riguere) and will regale you with manly tales of derring do .... some of them might even be true.

The Chaps formation dancing team will be doing a turn on the dancefloor at midnight in memory of Viscount Montgomery of Alamein - or the Full Monty as we Chaps call it .

Female Chaps should wear something long and glittery.

RSVP would be appreciated.

Toodle-pip !


...... there ! Top show what. Now I know the old dance number thingy might be a touch surprising to many of us but I`m sure Monty would have approved.

Now all we have to do is to see how many Fillys we can invite in the next month !

*hands out piles of invites*

Splendid !

Looks to be a jolly good show Red! Splendid letter, well done!

I say chaps, bally nice place you have here.
Butterworth-Toast's the name; just back from three year posting in deepest Erehwon. Got a bit sticky at the end - damned natives revolting, the gin bottle ran dry and we ended up eating the help. Still, the upstairs maid flambéed quite nicely, what!

OUTRAGEOUS.

Huuurrrruuuummmmpppphhhh

Some fool will swing for that. That simply isn't civilised....






Running out of Gin - unthinkable. Never mind old boy, you seemed to have come out of it with some decorum and I'm sure the one to one trauma councelling sessions with the doc, will allow you to look at an empty Gin bottle again without breaking out in a cold sweat.

Good show. Who's shout is it, I'm parched.



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

Oh, by the way Redders, splendid show with the invites, I'll pop orff and chuck a few in the post, see wow many fillies are game for a knees up what!!



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

I say. what a good idea. a philly, what? *snort*

Jeeves, you bounder, i need a refilll, this decanter doesnt fill itself you know...

anyone for a spot of billiard, i reckon i can still bend over...

Is there a new man to fetch the drinkies - what happened to Scrotum?

Billiards now your talking old boy, did I tell yopu I was the Rourkes Drift Billiards champion way back in.... in.... in.... Well I was.



Bally old grey matter lets a chap down every now and again....



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

Forgot to mention, when I was in Burma there was a delightful young fillie used to work in the mess, blonde girl she was. Got the sack after one of the chaps sid he found one of her short and curly's on the snooker table.

Thing was nobody asked how he knew it was hers!!

Bally rum deal I say what!!



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)