h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Quite a shame that the ol' Dog would have to trouble himself, eh fellas?

Absolutely. Been in this splendid chair without a break since 45. Dont plan on leaving now, what !

As I recall, his mother birthed him in the chair! Were any of you other chaps here for that? Quite an experience, I tell you!

Yes, Mater was an Honarary Chap - gort her special membership after beating a servant to within an inch of his life armed only with a cucumber sandwich. The old gel certainly packed a punch when the blood was up dontcherknow !

You Chaps might not appreciate that this chair has been in the Red Dog family since the Armada was trounced back in 88. It was presented to Sir Redders Dog by good Queen Bess for conspicuous consumption of grog in the face of the bally Spanish, what !

Now wheres that blessed waiter. SCROTUM !

Never fear chaps, Bassman's back from his short sortie to the bar, blagged a couple of stiff ones and some nuts. I say that sounds a bit rum doesn't it?

Quite....

I say Red Dog, been hearing some bits 'n' pieces from romour control that you're in schtuck with the Flight Commander - what you been up to now y'old scallywag - what?



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired - Knife Fork Spoon N.F.I. D.F.C. & Bar)

I say, you're right old bean! There IS a filly in the ante-room.

Hey there, old gal, would you mind not sprawling so terribly devumpshiously over that chair- it's an antique dontcherknow!

Bit of a shame it's a Filly in the Ante Room, if it were another chap, we could de-bag him and run his britches up the flag pole eh-what?

G'faaaawwwwww

OI YOU NEW BOY.....

What the bally hell do you think you're doing, sitting in the Station Commander's chair. Better shift yer backside young feller-mi-lad, guts for garters an' all don't-yer-know.

Dashed whippersnappers, think the world owes them something. Get some time in's what I say



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. D.F.C. N.F.I & Bar)

Yes chaps rumour control is in overdrive on that one. No it`s the Wing Co that`s arfter me britches after I pranged the kite whilst practising rolling over on my Betty Harpers after tiffin yesterday . Entire crate was a complete right orf would you believe and caused a bit of a hullabaloo down at HQ.

Would`ve been in the clear cept it was the third time this month and that frightfull bore Tonks saw me skedadddling and put in a report.

Frightfully embarrassed about the whole dashed episode, what !

Still, all well that ends well. Mine`ll be another G`n`T unless anyone fancies openning that 30 year old Glen MacLurcher that we`ve been saving up for a rainy day, eh ?

Thats the spirit !

Pranging three kites in one month eh Redders..... Smells of dashed incompetence to me.


Bally techies can't keep the kit serviceable Tisch Tisch. What's a chap supposed to do with a dodgy crate? It's too late by the time you've got it orf the ground. Like they say - take orfs are optional, landings are mandatory!! Rum deal old chap.

As for that scoundrel Honky, Bally, Tonks.... I've conjoured a cunning plan, let you know about it later....

Mum's the word eh what?



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired.) K.F.S. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar

ZZZZZzzZZZZZsnorkGGggrrrnnnnmZZZZZ!
*sniff*Mmballysopwithpupdoesn'thaveairbrakessnorkggGGGnnnnnnngGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

3 Sopwiths in one month. Redders??

At least no-one can doubt your enthusiasm.

Curse that damnable gravity.

Scotch and soda for me please.

*A heavily armoured Delivery truck pulls into the delivery bay, guards,heavily armoured, emerge*

Special Securipore delivery...One crate of 30 year Glen MacLurcher, sign here, and keep your thievin` hands offov it!!!

(This addressed to a wrinkled old retainer)

*Truck pulls away in a cloud of whisky fumes*

Ahhhhhh, splendid ! Reinforcements of my favourite tipple has arrived chaps and just in time for your Scotch and Soda Busterbone.

Might just drown me sorrows about pranging those kites infront of the Wing Co . Deuced bad luck you know ..... all three times, what !

Anyone else fancy a quaff or two eh!

chin chin

Say, if any of you chaps would fancy a spin about the dance floor, there are festivities for New Year's Eve going on in the ballroom....ladies will be present shortly

What ho ! Best bib and tucker no doubt, eh. I`v efound that the ladies always appreciate polished medals and a jolly fine cummerbund . Splendid.

Forgort to ask old chap - will the ladies be using poles and all that eh. Do hope so. Splendid.

For that, old friend, you should try your own creation.. The Thigh High Club This, however, is a formal dance... until midnight

Then we can show the little ladies what being a "chap" is all about, eh?

I say chaps - steady on!! If the Wing Co hears all that, he'll have us driven out for ungentlemanly conduct don'tyerknow. Or put us in charge of the barbed wiring party over the bally festivities.

Had a bit of a rum call with the S.W.O. the other morning. Was just passing the Guard Room when the chap came striding out of his orrfice. "'Scuse me SIR" he bellows... I froze in me tracks, let's face it God sits on the right hand of the S.W.O.

He walks up to me and pulls his highly polished stick out from under his arm and stares me deeply in the eyes from under the brim of hat. "Is there a problem old chap" I enquire, wondering what the deuce he was up to. I was wondering if I'd let mi old mustache get a little on the wayward side.... you know what a stickler the chap is for stuff like that, he pokes me with the cane and says "Sir, theres a nasty piece of S**t at the end of this stick" I thought that was a litttle uncalled for, bally ignorant at that time in the morning before mi first cup of tea. I said to the blighter "There may well be... but it's not on my end old sport" and I stride off silk scarf waving patriotically in the breeze.

The poisonous little man was so affonted he charged the next ten Airmen for walking on the grass!! Frightful.....



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

Ahh Bassers old bean. good to see you back arfter the jolly hols eh !

Absolutely mortified about your contretemps with the SWO - the gall of the man !!!! I think I may have caught the tail end of his wrath as I was bidding my goodbyes to the gels in the WRAF dorm this morning

I spotted the beast out on the parade ground with a bunch of other rank chaps that he had caught some trifling matter. The bounder was making them do star jumps and having them shout `I am a Star` at the top of their voices. Extraorinary, what !

Fancy a quick one before lunch eh ?

I hate to dampen your duvet old boy, but there aren't any such things as WRAF's.... all those young fillies with stockings and the like and lumpy jumpers aren't called that any more - civil liberties - equal opportunities and all that rum stuff. They even pay them the same as Chaps.... and what's more.... they even let them up in cabbage crates. Bally wimmin shouldn't even be allowed out on the public highway in charge of a automobile, let alone charging across the sky....

Hurrruuuummmmpppphhhh

I'm getting too hot under the collar, I need a stiff 'un to cool me head....

SCROTUUUUUUUUM



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)