h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You Called Guv'nor?



Scrotum (The Wrinkled Retainer)

About Bally time too - where have you been, we're all parched.

G&Ts all round, put it on my mess bill, in fact, leave the bottle. I never know when you'll manage to get back next.



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon D.F.C. N.F.I & Bar)

If I were a few years younger I'd knock 'is block off, jumped up little........



Scrotum (The Wrinkled Retainer)

You know Redder... I often wonder what goes on in old Scroter's head - if anything GAFFFFAAAWWWWWW



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

zzzzzzzzzz*snort*zzzggnnnn

*chuckles into his G`n`T*

Jolly good Bassers - you`re quite a wag aren`t you. I say, you know old man just for a moment I thought you ...... no couldn`t have been, but he did sound an awful lot like ....

...... must be my blessed hearing aid on the blink again old chap. Forget I ever mentioned it. Splendid - a Bombay special

You all right Redders? Seem to be having a bit of trouble hearing, what?

*predictably*

Come again Inkers, didn`t catch the drift of your banter. What in gods name is a `double herring` when it`s at home. Pardon. What, eh ? Speak up man !

Dash it all, I suppose the cat's out of the bag now and all that.

Jolly rum deal, bally computers....

Hurrrruuuuummmmmpppphhhhh....



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

*puts a friendly arm round shoulder*

Don`t worry about it old boy. We all find ourselves on our uppers from time to time and have to take a second job to make ends meet and all that. Happens with frightening regularity with us and I have to send Mrs Red Dog out to `do` for a while.

Come and have a sit by the fire with me and we`ll get slaughtered together.

You know it does explain the dashed awful service - waiting days for drinks, and all that, you jumping up changing into Scrotum`s uniform and disguising yerself before. Us so pie eyed that we never noticed. Really quite amusing in a tragic kind of way, what !

So what`ll you have then eh.

SCROTUM !!!!

.... oh, sorry Bassers, that was a touch insconsiderate of me. We'll just have to find another crusty type to wait on us. God I could do with a top up. Here have one out of the emergency hipflask.

Chin chin

I say, that's dashed decent of you old boy, don't mind if I do....



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

*pours a generous measure*

Last of the 30 year old Glen MacLurchers I`m afraid old boy. I`ll have to have a word with Lurcher and lay in a drop more. Frightful bore running out of the hard stuff isn`t it. Particularly trying after a hard day at the golf course.

I do recall that down in the bowels of the cellar the Wing Co did put aside a drop of Basseman Port for a special occasion. Does that tickle your fancy eh ! Bet it does. Hmmmm.

Yes ? Splendid, I`ll send for a bottle or two.

BLEUGHHHHHH

This is muck! I bet that scoundrel in the cookhouse has been at it and topped the bottle up with water. Sherry trifle just doesn't matter that much!!

Wait 'till I get me hands on the cad!!





Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

*furious*

Whip the blighter within in inch of his life Bassers ! Would you credit it. Place has gorn to the dogs, what !

zzzzzzsssgggnnnn*hic*

I say chaps, bally bad weather kept me from all the fun, what? You'd better still have some of that ruddy port, old boy!

Ah, Uncle, you found us. Tip top job, what ! Bassers has just popped out to beat the servants and we`re on this frightful spot of stuff the Wing Co bought in a weak moment. We`re plumb out of the old MacLurcher.

*pours Uncle some Basseman Port*

You know I do believe I`m getting a taste for the bally stuff, what. !

*seeing as the rest of the chaps are distracted, sneaks off to the anteroom*

*notices Apollo*

Ahh chasing skirt again .... bit of a ladies man our Apollo you know chaps. Never could resist a comatose Filly what.

*Harrumph*

Mmmm.... what? I say, seem to have dozed awf for a while there, chaps!
What time is it? Have we got the ashes back yet? Any word from HQ?
Dash it all, that was strong stuff...