h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*snort*

AHEM, Excuse me, the name`s Lurchington-Stanley, run the Goff club over at Lupine Park, dontcher know..supply you with the old tipple on occasion. Wondered what the situation was, membership wise. Don`t want to appear pushy.....time`s hangin a bit heavy these days, if you get my meanin. If you`re too busy.......you can always let me know, ahem...

Never blackballed a chap with his own golf course and distillery yet old man Do come in

*puts friendly arm round shoulder*

..... I take it we could get a discount on the green fees what !

Did I ever tell you that I was the Rourkes Drift Squadron golf champion? Dontcha know, it's one of my many sporting achievements. I follow hot foot in me Pater's shoes, Sir Elden Erskine-Crumb, you know the celebrated champion tobogganist. The chaps used to call him Foreskin-Bum - no respect the blighters, poor sod ended up in an institution. Mumsy wouldn't change her name when they married, that's why I'm a Bassman not a foresk.... sorry Erskine-Crumb.

So who can I give a thrashing with me Mashy Nibblck eh what?

I say lurcher old chap, where on earth did you get that cravat, you must give me you tailor's card.



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

Well I must say, this is all damned civil of you be Gad!! Did think that as I can`t talk much about me Service (still Restricted info, you know, tho` I expect one or two of the chaps at Whitehall would vouch for me)... now where was I...well there you are!!

There`ll be plenty of, er, benefits, I could praps guide your way, know what I mean, you scratch my back an` all thet..what!!
Seems like the sort of place a man can relax into!!
Now, about that Rourkes Drift business, Bassers, I`ve always thought it was old Bledworthy copped that one, bragged about it for years e did. Just goes to show!!

Evening Chaps. Just gort back from a daytrip to the jolly old Towers seeing the PTB. More topping news for the bash - our favourite gel Abi is going to put an advert in the community news for us. On the surface a good show but I have impressed on her the absolute importance of making sure that the advert clearly states no Riff Raff !

We don`t want the other ranks gatecrashing what ! That would be a frightful bore and put a dampner on the whole jolly caper. I`m taking my trusty Webley with me just in case - never let me down in 40 years of battling with Johhny Foreigner and just the thing to have in a tight spot !

Apollo dear chap you might think about doing the same on the hotspot, eh ! That`s the ticket.

Now who`s with me for a large G`n`T.

Oh, by the way, anyone got any change for the bally taxi - I`ve left the chappie outside with the meter running.

Evening Chaps!! am I glad to be here! The day I`ve had you wouldn`t believe!
I say Redders old chap, there was some taxi johnie outside, ramblin` on about not being paid!! Damn sauce! Sent `im orf with a flea in `is ear,I can tell you. Sez we`ll be `earin from `is solicitor,solicitor if you please!! bleddy peasant!!
Think I`ll get some Bowel Clencher organised, mek sure that chappie in the cellar knows what he`s about. Can`t be too careful with that stuff yer know...

*....returns with a tray laden with several pints of Clencher....*

Here you go Chaps, try these. Ah thats more like it, just about right!!
As I was sayin`.. a right old day I`ve had and no mistake. We had a bit of an incident with Mrs Chumleigh Fanshawe, you know `er, the vicars wife down at St Werbergs, yes thats the one. Big woman, 20 stone if she`s an ounce... the Fairways tremble when she`s about!!

Anyway, seems she was puttin` out on the third, when a stray ball from the practise Tee smacks `er fair and square on the left Bosom.
Down she goes, wailin` an moanin`,in a heap on the green. First time anythin`s bin near her bosoms in 20 years, I shouldn`t wonder.
Upshot is, she had to carted back to the Clubhouse in a wheel barrow.
Most upset apparently. Goin` to claim damages...assault by a golf ball,
would you believe!! Thing is, nobody`s ownin up to the deed! Can`t say I blame `em, what!! Gone to earth good an proper!
There`ll be free drinks for a month for `im when I do find out, I can tell you!! Bleddy `isterical what!!

*snort* hear hear

*grabs a pint of Clencher* I wouldnt be suprised if it wasnt those younguns, ner can trust them, going round causing general nuiscance, not like in my day.

G'n'T! *wakes up*

Yes, yes, can't let the old legs rot awf, what!
Better get up and pour meself a tipple. No, better still, where's that chappy gone who was serving?

I say, you sir! Is a man to die of thirst?
Pass the decanter there's a good chap!

Good job the ball was only orff the practise tee, imagine the inconvenience for a chap if his ball had landed between the old girl's "Upholstery" - you get my drift, would have been a frighful lie. Maybe he could have consulted the rule book and got a free drop. Wouldn't have fancied retrieving the blighter though, I think I would have been happy to drop a new ball as long asit didn't cost me a shot.

I say Lurcher old chap, let me get this right, you want to join the Chap's Club here, saying you could get us a reduction in our green fees etc, etc. You know, I'm not sure I want the use of the facilities offered if they're open to... erm... Wimmin', if you get me drift what!



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

And I hope that your golf club is one of the more reasonable sort, doncha know.

I mean a fellow has to be able to take his rifle him when he goes out on the fairways. Never know when some quail might pop up in need of a good shooting.

The last club I was a member of (no names need be given) made a special rule about no firearms on the course just because I took my elephant gun in the golf bag with me. Never know when some damnable rogue elephant might pop up in need of a good shooting!!!!!

Oh I get`s yer drift, Bassers old chap, no question! You`d best have a McLurchers while I try to explain.
First orf, there`d have been no problem with it costin` you a shot, should you have landed in the old trout`s "Upholstery" (Nice turn of phrase, that!). No, The Greens Commitee, would have ruled it "Ground Under Repair", allowin` you a free drop, at the nearest point of relief. (Point of relief, eh eh, what!!)
You could also say, (though it would cost a penalty shot) that the jolly old ball had landed in a "Lateral Water Hazard" and you wouldn`t have had to ferritin` around lookin` fer it !!!( which if yer knew the lady in question, is no small blessin`!!)

With regard to said wimmin members, `fraid me `ands are tied. It`s all to do with licenses an` all that twaddle. Can`t operate *Men Only* anymore, more`s the damn pity. Agin the Law, me advisers tell me.
Still, I does me best to make life difficult for `em, only cold water in their showers, no car park spaces for `em, double the Green Fees, all stuff like that. What more can a chap do, I arsk yer?

Well I like to think we`re reasonable, Buster old sport, but there`s reasonable and reasonable!!
Can`t say the thoughts of you stalkin` around with an Elephant gun does much fer me nerves, or me members, come to that!!
Tell yer what though, if you could see yer way clear to reducin` the calibre of yer piece a smidgin.I could praps pass it orf be sayin` we`d bin `avin trouble wi poachers, an you was our `Onorary Game Warden!! Owz that sound , old chap? Best I can do, orf the top of me `ead, as it were!!

* Sinks a quart of Clencher*

Damn throat`s dry after all that talkin` what!!

zzzzRight in the twin engines.zzzzzzz
sgggnnnnbuster with a rifle?watch out he doesn't mistake mrs.Chumleigh Fanshawe for a rogue elephantzzzzzzhappy birthday, Redzzzz

Always prefered a good old pistol myself, dont hold with these new fangled guns *snort*

sorry...must have dropped off for a moment then *snore*

I say, did I tell you about the time I was playing the 11th at Gleneagles? Hit a blinder orff the tee, it hung up there for ever.... bally ball went and hit a duck in mid flight, killed the thing stoners. Made a good supper I say what!!

Anyway, the ball ends up in a small bunch of trees just orff to the right of the fairway. When I gets down there, some blighter's caddy - from the adjacent hole - has crept in to take a quick leak!! Too many slugs of the Old McLurcher from his hip flask methinks. Anyhow, there's my ball laying in the middle of the puddle. Quick as a flash I declare it as "Occasional water" and gets a free drop. Pops it up onto the green with a shot as sweet as a virgins smile and the bally thing goes in!! Went on to win 6 & 5!!

Well Lurcher old chap, if the law says what it says, I suppose you've gotta go with it - I must remember to speak to my MP 'bout this sort of thing. Bloody invasion of a chap's last bastion of retreat from the world.... Just not on Eh what?



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired. Knife Fork Spoon. D.F.C. N.F.I. & Bar)

Bravo ol chap, use of initiative and all that.

Whos ur MP neway, better go round and give him a cosy chat bout all that whatnot.

You know now that you mention it, I do believe that I might be one of those MP types. Certainly remember standing for something - the Old Man was one before he went to the great Club in the sky. Passed it down to me - seat is an heirloom or something. They gave me a constituency, whatever that is - think I left it lying around somewhere.

Anyhow, haven`t been in ages - never really saw the need, other chaps take care of that kind of thing, what. Just a big club really but with a less onerous entrance restrictions than the Chaps Club. I do recall seeing some utterly frightful types in there once - even a rumour that some of them are lefties you know. Just stopped going one day, nobody really noticed.

Now who`s for a sundowner then eh ?

Certainly old man, theres easly time for 9 holes before one has t g home to the ol wife and kiddies now.

Now where has my caddie gone?