h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Got any scotch while your at it my good man?

Know what you mean, Bassers old chap, but I once saw what *they* did to old Blenchly Carver`s claret, when he complained it was too cold!!
Bin a bit careful ever since, I can tell you!
Don`t want old Scrote tiddling in the Clencher, do we, what, what??

*walks by looking into the windows to see what may lie ahead for Valentine's Day*

*drops monocle closely followed by G`n`T*

Look - over there by the window. Yes there .... a filly trying to have a gander at our Full Montgomery before the big unveiling. Family jewels back in the bank Chaps, what !

Well I never !

*snark!*

Hmm?

What were all you chaps doin' with yer breeches down?
I say!! There's a filly outside the window!
Here! You gal! This is Union property dontcherknow! Does the groundsman know you're in here!!?

*snort* an interloper, what? i remember back at school...up school!...that whenever the prefects caught a junior bug, what, we would line up the little perisers and use them as toast racks! i wonder if that young lady over there would consent to six of the best, what? *snort*

*A muffled snort is heard from the corner. Covered in dust and cobwebs, Polidari (DFC, DFS, DSS and bar) awakens for the first time in 16 years*

Oy you fellows, what d'ya think you're doing in a fellow's bedroom, don'cha know?

*Looks around the round alarmed before things start to fall into place again.*

Where the blazes is that Scrotum with the drinks? Damn bad show! I'm sure I ordered a whiskey in '78...

*grumpily*

Probably get to you sometime next year then Pollers old bean the way things are these days. Dreadful service, would never have happened in my day, what !

You know old boy I have to tell you that all the Chaps thought you`d bought it you know. Awfully callous thing to say and all that but the absence of movement for the last 16 years meant either that or you were one of the staff. Since you`re sporting an Old Harummphians school tie knew that couldnt be on.

Still glad you`ve come round. Splendid !

Fancy a drink eh - I do believe its Bassers shout again, eh !

What ho Red - okay Bassers jump to it!

Good man that Bassers - knew his father you know, damn fine shot, completely colour blind. Ev'ry now and again we'd have to turn him round as he started picking off his own men... Bally uniforms all look the same.

Rumurs of my death slightly exaggerated old boy. Was a bit worried about the piece of shrapnel I had left over from the Sommes, but it seems to have managed to work itself through the intestinal system. So I 'spose rumours of my death were exaggerated, but rumours of my passing were actually spot on...

doesnt bear thinking about old boy, what?

The mind boggles at what you`ve bin thro`, Pollers old chap, or should I say what`s been thro` you, eh what!!
Think old Scrotum`s on his way over now, though which order he`s deliverin`, God only knows!

Gosh, thats rather unfortunate, never caught a piece of shrapnel myself, only a bullet in the leg. Lucky not to have a gammy leg whatnot.

She's on the run, boys! After her, quick!!

*Gets in a waiting golf cart and drives*

Tally Ho!!!

*runs out to his parked kite shouting at Scrotum*

When I said scramble man I DIDN`T MEAN EGGS !!!!!. Give me a hand with the blasted cabbage crate will you, she`s getting away.

*gives propellor a turn just as an irate cab driver taps him on the shoulder*

*Waves golf clud irrately at running female*

*outside the Club House Red Dog continues to fend off Cabbie with a furled umbrella*

*Noise awakens her. Looks out the window to see what's causing it* Red Dog! Be careful of that oil slick!

Well, he did say he wouldn`t let it rest, Redders old chap! Fetch `im one in the inscrutables, that`ll slow `im down a bit!!