h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*BF takes out an iron, and de-crumples himself*

Hi Apollo *waves* Being a wee fledgling of a god, I'm not sure I could last a year, without a bit of training

*hurls the now hot iron at CCC*

*ducks*

me either. a year is a long time!

*the iron crashes into a piller and with the force from the god Ferret it rips the pillar from the ceiling, it topples towards both competitors, CCC sidesteps it, but it crashes down on BF*

*BF catches the falling pillar with one hand preventing squish-age, then using the pillars momentum, swings it in a wide arc into CCC's ribs causing a loud and satisfying crunching sound*

Ha! That'll teach ya!

*the pillar falls apart and to the ground. CCC stands there looking cross*

you crunched my crisps.



*removes the crunched crisps from his pocket and s. stands firm and raises his hand towards BF. shoots nanobots into BF's bloodstream and then commands them to decompose Ferret's cells. Ferret bubbles away into a pool of slime before the nanobots selfdestruct*

my poor crisps...

you boys still at it?

it's very warm,would you like a ?

*blows C a *

Nanobots? Are you some sort of Red Dwarf Fan?

*A new set arrive rebuilding the pool of slime, which BF has become, into a 25ft glowing (with big sharp claws, and huge pointy teeth)*

ooh thanks Duck, swigs

right back at you.

*notices the monster*

Nigel! woo! you came back!

*puts monster in monster proof cage*

just in time to watch Red Dwarf with me too.

It seems as though you forgat to lock the monster proof cage!

*BF Steps out of the monster proof cage, and sharpens his claws, so they can penetrate through CCC's chrome covering*

*notices the TV, and sits down to watch Red Dwarf with CCC*

this episode is one of my favourites.

gotta love the spaghetti western style.

*swaps the s sharp claws for foam ones whilst he's not looking.

OOooo! Is it the one with the virtual reality in Krytens memory?

*starts chewing his claws in anticipation* foam?

*sneakily connects CCC to the mains leaving it switched off untill the end of the programme*

that's the one!

you shouldn't bite your nails,

*gets up to get some popcorn, disconnecting himself from the mains*

want some?

*passes the poisoned popcorn*

Monster no like popcorn

*places a steel spike in the cussion CCC is about to sit back down on*

You're in the way of the telly!

what's a cushion doing on the couch? this is a manly deserted warehouse! bet it was that duck!

*throws cushion at the and it impales his arm*

blimey, i never knew cushions could be so manly!

*BF pulls out the cushion, and attached spike, from his arm, which starts bleeding strong acid. The acid sprays over CCC dissolving the chrome covering and badly burning CCC's flesh*

OOo! this bits good

blimey it's taking me 4 days to grow my skin back!

i've had enough of you freeloading on my free TV and popcorn as well!

*picks up the TV and smashes it over BF's head, then s the into a and pulls it's wings off one by one*

Ouch! Thats mean!

*expands all the popcorn in CCC's stomach to the size of the millenium dome, ripping CCC toshreds in the process*

Mwah-ha-ha-ha-haah

*BF grinds little bits of CCC into the ground*

*the little pieces of CCC get into BF's blood system and reform back into CCC, splitting BF the all over the place*

that feels better, nothing like regenerating a whold body!

*scoops up all the little parts of BF and puts them in 1000 different little jars and puts the jars in the freezer*

mmmm cool in this freezer.

*BF disintegrates in the jars, to a sub-atomic level, allowing the itsy-bitsy-microscopic pieces of BF travel through the glass and the freezer, before reforming into the origional BF outside the freezer*

*BF coveres CCC with four and a quarter miles of super sticky clingfilm, immoblising him. BF then starts poking steel needles into CCC*

*calls forth some scallywags, who steal BF's needles before he can start poking them into CCC. they also steal the clingfilm, BF's watch and his underwear. CCC then calls forth hundreds of meanies that are mean to BF until he gets so depressed he comits suicide*

well some people just can't take the pace.

*BF replaces his underwear, and doesn't wear a watch anyway. BF laughs at the meanies attempts to be mean. He's too easy going to fall for that old chesnut*

*The meanies get bored and go home before BF even gets depressed*

*BF retreats into the freezer left behind by CCC, , and makes a secret call*

*The warehouse rapidly heats up to several thousand degrees c, burning CCC to a crisp*