h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ship's cat back from the war at museholme..reporting for duty captain......want me to get that?

Weeeeellll, I don't know, really. Paul H is checking all the right now - as we don't want to hurt our klabautermann in any way (see backlog for further information)

I've polled ten s so far. One is the
of Tolstoy. Another is Hemingway. So, Captain,
I won't have a shortage of -writers.
The that is doing most of the damage here
is Jack the Ripper. He can't do any actually harm,
but he's quite cocky and rather mean.

There are 3 Klabautermanner that I've found
so far, and there may well be more.



PTEW!

Alas, poor Hemingway, I knew him well. He wrote about me and the sea, you know?

What are "Klabautermanner"s?
I didn't think you were that "Old" Cap'n.

no definitely not old ...
just experienced shall we say........
*hands pierce a bottle of collins de bourdic red 1998 from her travels in France*
as i didnt get the chance to last week captain....
i have some in my cabin if you would like to come and sample it...

PAUL: Mathilda, how is it possible that you are a ghost now?
I was just seeing you off from the pier last night.

AUNT MATILDA: Oh, Paul, I am SO glad to see you.
I'm afraid I had a rather nasty fall--all my own fault, as
I was running along and didn't look where I was going...

PAUL: That, plus your osteoporosis and advanced age.

AUNT MATILDA: Now, Paul, be nice! I'm really
not that old....

PAUL: 1,000 years of age? Not old? You've outlived
72 husbands, Matilda.

AUNT MATILDA: Anyway, I arrived at the Dalmatian
Coast and met the dogs who are besieging the MuseHome.

PAUL: Anything to report?

AUNT MATILDA: Ooh, they so love to be scratched behind
the ears. That, plus, having their tummies rubbed. And some
of the puppies are soooo cuuuute!

PAUL: Yes, yes, I know. You were the perfect spy. You reminded
everybody of his/her grandmother. I just don't understand
where things went wrong....

AUNT MATILDA: (Brow furrowed) Did I ever mention that my
great-grandmother was a leopard?

PAUL: No, I would have remembered that if you had told me.
That makes you part cat, doesn't it? Hmmmm, if I had known
this, I would not have sent you. Too much risk. Most of those
dogs are okay, but a few of the diehards would have done you
in.

AUNT MATILDA: In a way, they did. They love to run around at
breakneck speed, and I was silly enough to run with them.
That's why I fell.....

The ghost-polling is going to be easier
than I thought. One of the s is an
old friend, who has promised to introduce
me to all the s on the ship.

*a somewhat drunken Pandora comes topside...taking a handful of purple dust from a pouch..she calls out...*Hear Ye', all
Come my way...and see yet another day...stay away & ye' I shall slay!!!!!!!
*as the gosts all gather 'round Pandora tosses the magic purple dust onto the ...only 22 become purple...one turns black!!! 12 remain white...*Oh, ye' black spirit...fight me & ye' shall be sent straight to hell in a handbasket!!!! If you enter this box...you have a chance of some idiot resleasing you! *the black
enters the box...it is the ghost of Jack The Ripper!!!!*
SLAM!!! *Pandora shuts the box & places chains around all sides...locks it & tosses it overboard* SPLASH "Bad
overboard!!!" Now, you purple ghost may stay IF the Capt. permits....you white ghosties are surely welcomed as you are the fun ones arn't ye'?!?

*wonders around looking for Mr. Christapher...posts a note...See Pandora w/regard to ghost population*

*spies Average Joe...grabs him by the shirt collar & drags him into a dark corner...only muffled sounds can be heard*

Captain, sir, I have a question.
Do we have any cooking person on the ship? I have a lot of fruits that should be canned, in the greenhouse.

Joe, see posting 512 for informations on the Klabauterman!

Oh, and BTW: DM is right. I'm experienced, but not *that* old. Shall we say 17 - going on 1812?

Thanks for the wine, DM . You certainly know the way to a captain's - er - heart

Paul H and Pandora - it seems you make a good -buster team

Hati - Floh is an excellent cook, but I'm afraid she is a little cross with me at the moment. You see, I accidentally mentioned that I have been married and - well, you can guess the rest

*hammers an A2 sized MEMO to wall. It bears a message, carefully written in crayon*

I Pod, stand unjustly accused of the crime of MEMO interference, my reputation tarnished, my integrity dented, my guinea pig singing sad songs from the lowlands. It weren't me, Mr C, sir, it woz dem pesky s wot dun it. And here is me, I who have devoted my life to hunting down these apparitions, accused of interfering with ships MEMO's. Well, let me say this- you can take our homes, you can take our s, but you'll never take our FREEDOM!!.
I was fitted up by the little white dudes, OK? and if I get my hands on them, I'll... I'll.....

Signed:
From One with a bounty, instead of a hat, on his head.


*Pod chews on a table leg*

*posts MEMO*

"Pandora, thank you for ridding us of Ghost Jack The Ripper. You can pick up your pay of 2300 pieces~of~eight the next time you are in."

*plops sack of money on Mr. Andrews' desk*

good evening everyone!
i see we are finially reducing the number of s on board, well done Pandora for catching Jack The Ripper! i caught one going through my wardrobe the other day!
*takes a and finds that it is in fact the of parties past..... *
hmm very weird.

*hits with flyswatter*

Welcome to the Captain's Private Quarters. How may I help you?

good shot mr c!

Would you like a "I Sailed with Captain Pierce" or "Three Sheets to the Wind" t-shirt? I just had them printed up to boost moral.

*Pandora returns from the darkened corner with her shirt insideout & back to front* Ahh that Joe...he need not be known as AVERAGE from here out! Perhaps the 'Above Average Joe'? Ooops, forgot it's bad luck to whistle aboard ship!!!! See what I mean? *the friendly but rambunctious s flitter around Pandora's tummy...
NOW CUT THAT OUT! *spies a with a butter knief* Very funny.
*posts a note to Mr. C.:Thank you kindly for the pieces of eight...
if it's all the same to you, I'd like to keep a running balance in the safe. I've already been overboard... in another land, with my pouches full of goldnot the best plan I've had.
Signs her name & seals it with a

Pandora, that was the best job of
-busting I've seen in years.
Something tells me you've done this
kind of thing professionally.

There's one I hope you haven't
driven away, though: Aunt Matilda.
Okay, I know she's the ghost of a dragon,
but she was quite a refined dragon. She
stopped breathing fire at a very early
age (70, I think), and didn't smoke all
that long either (she quit at 130). The
worst thing she did was blow soap bubbles, and
that was only when she'd had too much
to drink. She was handy in the
kitchen, and could whip up the best
cinnamon toast you ever saw (not that it
was easy to see, as it disappeared as soon as
it was made!).

I have an ulterior motive for wanting to
protect Aunt Matilda: I'm writing a poem
about her, and I need her on hand so I
get my facts straight. Please.

*posts MEMOs*

"Pandora, your money is in good hands"

"Paul, Aunt Matilda can stay as long as she announces herself before entering a room"

"Found: One glass eye; green"

"Lost: Elizabethan party dress; white with red trim"