The story of the pirate ship 'The Blood of The
Zaphodistas',its captain and its crew
Zaphodistas',its captain and its crew
Dedicated to the memory of Douglas Noel Adams, without whose inspiration this here pirate simply would not exist.
Pierce The Pirate
'The Blood of the Zaphodistas' is an altogether remarkable ship. To the untrained eye it may look like your everyday average, rather small and non-important cargo ship. But those who have studied the advanced technique of SEP (see under 'Slartibartfast' in 'The Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy') will see a majestic tall ship, impressively large with its four masts and hundreds of canons.
But not even those familiar with SEP can see what the 'Blood' is really like.
In this day and age (after a lot of travelling in both time and space) it is difficult to say whether the ships' architecture was inspired by the Internet or if it was the other way around. The fact remains that the two are actually very much alike.
You know how on the Internet you can jump from one page to another, from one site to another and even from one server to another while still being in sort of 'the same place'?
That is what the ship is like. Which makes it extremely versatile, of course. As well as very difficult to illustrate!
Picture this: You walk down to the holds - and as you pass through a hatchway you find that just one of these holds is so big it can easily contain several supertankers... Yes: Passing through the hatchway is actually like clicking an URL!
Another example: You walk across the deck and all of a sudden the captain activates another 'URL' and you find yourself on the freezing
surface of the ninth moon of a minor planet on the outer rim of a distant galaxy in a universe hitherto unknown to mankind. (Or, more likely: The captain has sent you - as well as a note - to the nearest marine store to fetch him a roll of twine...)
please note that when you pass through floors, walls, hatches and such like you may end up in several different places at the same time
Very few hard facts are known about the captain and the way he thinks - which we will look into a little later - but it seems that while the captain prefers others to overlook 'The Blood', he himself prefers to see a traditional tall ship - yet with any thinkable accomodation (modern as well as traditional) - and then some! If you go to the bridge you will find that 'The Blood' is (among all the other things) a state of the art starcruiser that is in no way inferior to say 'The Heart of Gold' - and actually makes starships like 'The Thousand Year Falcon' ressemble a kids tricycle.
You will of course find lots of rigging and plenty of manly pirates with cat-o'-nine-tails easily accessible. There is also the notorious plank. The canons and the holds for the loot have already been mentioned. It goes without saying that there is also the ships prison as well as the orlop decks, the galley, the lookouts crow's nest and so on and so forth.
What you probably did not know is that the pirates have a veritable harem on board - and not a small one, I might add. It may also be news to you that the female pirates - of which there are quite a few - have 'persuaded' the captain - at gun point - to install another harem solely for women. It will probably NOT surprise you, however, that the servants in that part of the ship are chiefly former removal men, fire fighters and a band of male strippers!
It should be mentioned that the prison is now seldom used for its original purpose. These days it is mostly used for adults with a certain interest for the gaolers 'toys'...
Finally it may interest you that the captains quarters are very near to the ships main mess (as are in fact all the ships cabins) where all eating and drinking and - need we say it - partying is taking place. Some of the parties - generally those of a more private character - are held in the cabins, though!
It has already been mentioned that we know very few hard facts about the captain. So we will have to make do with heresay and rumours. What we DO know is this: He seems to be a middle-aged male of normal, semi-tallish height and he is always dressed in long black boots, black leather trousers and a very white shirt. A bright red scarf is hiding his greying hair. Other features include an eye-patch, a hook, a parrot and a wooden leg. The parrots name is Flint, by the way. And with good reason: He is as bloodthirsty as the infamous Captain Flint who once buried his loot on Treasure Island. If you mess with this bird you may very well loose a finger
or an eye before you know it!
It is obvious that the captain is far older than he looks. A lot of
time-travelling hides this fact, though. Some say he is actually extremely old and once was a viking. He has never denied this. He does not like being called A Great Dane, though - as it is often followed by someone calling him a son-of-a-bitch. And rumours have it that there is actually canine DNA-material in his blood!
Others claim that there is blue polish blood in the captains veins. Others again say his appearance and his partiality for cajun food indicate french aristocracy more than polish. Sensible persons however will point out that all human blood is red - and that the size of the captains stomache indicates partiality for any kind of food!
There are many rumours about how he got his name. The most tenacious of life goes like this: One fine day a couple of hundred years ago the captain took the ship of a fat old slave dealer, who yelled 'pierce the pirate, pierce the pirate' to his soldiers until the captain send him to Hades and shared his gold with his crew before returning all the slaves to their homeland and setting them free. After that he decided to take the wish of the slave dealer for his name.
But: Quite a lot of his crew members will tell you that they have heard the captain say: 'I simply took the name Pierce because I think it has a nice ring to it'
They heard that the same night he was smitten by a young, pretty indian barmaid, who actually managed to get him drunk and make him tell a little about himself. 'Don't you have any family?' she asked him. And 'What were your parents like?'
He answered 'My father was a weird scientist. How weird, you ask? Well, his homework ate the dog. Is that weird enough for you?'
'My mother was worse though. She always wanted to run with the bulls in Pamplona. But when she finally got there and the bulls saw her they took off in the opposite direction. I think that pretty much sums up how weird she was'
You will most definitely NOT be happy to find this lot attending your
teenage daughter's birthday party! Not even the females. Some will even say:
'Especially not THOSE! The female pirates are the WORST! They will
corrupt and seduce ANY entity they come across!'
Both male and female pirates can be very helpful, though, if they are on
your side (and as long as they are on your side...) They may not be
psychopaths in a state of pure cultivation. They do not kill just for fun.
But they are pretty close. They are ruthless killers and yield for no-one
when they attack or are attacked.
It is not that they feel any particular love or loyalty for their captain.
They are only in it for the money. As long as the captain provides them with
a ship, weapons, clothing, food and drink - and good opportunities to go
pirating, pillaging and plundering - they are his hands. It would not be
fair to say that they are parasites on each others, though - symbiosis is a much
In other words: It is sound advice to always approach them with caution -
and crucial to always-ALWAYS feel uneasy - and thus alert - in their
On the bottom of this page you will find the entrances to the many different places you can go. There is also The Captains Mailbox where you can write all the questions you may have. Feel free to leave any suggestions, critiques and/or reviews there too!
PS: Thanks, Amy and Shazz! I couldn’t have done it without you!