h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"well to answer your last question first, yes I can prepare a drink for you, one lump or two and would you prefer Earl Grey" Ford tried to focus on this, so the drinks come in lumps and prepared by a member of the aristocracy, before he could question this the man continued "as for where you are, well your back in England, Mavis rescued you just before the Obelisk exploded and Dirk disappear through a dimensional split in the fabric of time and space" "Oh one of those" said Ford "then maybe you had better give three of them lump thingies, so who are you you, your voice sounds familiar have we met before" ........

"Well of COURSE you know me, although you may not recognise me without my," he held his hands out about a foot around his clean shaven chin, "whiskers. Besides, you fell about 50 feet out of my plane, I'd say you remember that." He had the same grin on his face again
"Bernard!" Ford said, and laughed out loud, "You're right, I wouldn't have known you if you'd landed on me."
"Well, given the condition you were in when you were brought in here; you sure somebody didn't?"
"I'm not sure," said Ford, his eyes glazing a bit. "The last thing I remember, I was following Dirk down a hallway. We had made it up several floors, and our escort was gone; it was just the two of us.
All of a sudden Dirk stopped, and announced that 'this is it'. I didn't see anything special about the door but he seemed very insistant."
Ford took the cup of Earl Grey Bernard handed him, and sipped the strong, brown, viscous drink.
"Dirk reached into his pocket and pulled out the key he had found in the Senators suitcase," Ford continued, trying to get his facts straight, "And that was when that Zarking dog came running out of nowhere, and barges past Dirk into the room. Before I had a chance to get in there, there was this amazing, blinding light; and I ended up here."
Bernard sat there, smiling, as Ford finished his tale. Then said...

"I'm not sure what he mean't, but Dirk told me to tell you in time all will become apparent, here this is for you" Bernard handed Ford an envelope, it was marked

To Ford
This Envelope Contains Vital Instructions For Your Survival
Dirk

Ford opened it and read

Ford
It was necessary for me to leave this reality to avoid ultimate annihilation in the years to come, when the time comes you also must leave by your own methods. following a strange investigation I have been envolved in I have realized my meeting with you was not just by chance. I feel sure you will survive what is come, but without fail you must take someone with you whose existance is embedded in the fabric of time and space, he must survive also, find him and secure your his trust and friendship, his name is Arthur Dent.

Good Luck Ford, we may I hope meet again in my alternative reality.

Dirk

P.S.
Bernard and Mavis know nothing of this, don't tell them, but they will help you find this man.


Ford looked across to Bernard and said.....

"Belgium"

< must read the blog first, just wanted to mark the page whoo >

"Do you know some kind of man called Arthur Dent?"

Time is strange. Altough we wait with awe here whether our friends know that Dent guy, another part (called "Remembrance", look up page 35274 for that)of us knows that he´ll have to wait some years before meeting him. We know the answer. Strange, isn´t it. Get crazy if you like to.

"No, I don´t, why?"
"Oh, no reason. I just thought about that name. Silly, isn´t it? Erm."
Mavis gave Ford a puzzled look, then said:

"I think you need a drink"

CHAPTER 5

After 5 years stuck on earth, Ford felt he was becoming native, in fact he almost passed an audition for play with the RSC, but failed due to his argument with the director about actually knowing The Fairy King Oberon. All the time he had the quest in the back of his mind to find this Arthur Dent chap, but now he had a new problem to contend with.......

money.
His Dine-O-Charge had just run out, and you don´t earn much as out-of-work actor. Anyway, he owned a great secret not known to humankind until now! The Pan-Galactc Gargle Blaster!
Anyway, the only ingredient he found on earth was the olive.

so he decide to improvise and select suitable substitutes to create a Earth version, the receipe so far went as follows:........

Ford tried and tried; experimenting with different liquors, cross-examining bartenders, and delving into his roots and memories to regain the original intent of Zaphod as he was creating it.
Finally he had it, the best he could do under these primitave circumstances.
In fact he was so happy with it, that night after Mavis and Bernard had gone to sleep, he fished out his copy of the guide, switched to edit mode, and entered his recipie to be transmitted with the rest.

This is a transcript of that recipie, recovered after painstaking research many years in the future:


To make a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster using Terran ingredients:

Take the liquid contained in a 200 ml bottle of EverClear to remind you that your head will be clear forever if you drink too many Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, and that your brain will clear of anything soon after you start drinking some, if not before.

Into it, slowly pour a 750 ml bottle of Bombay Sapphire to remind you of the marvelous beauty of the old Santraginean seas, or an equal amount of Jeremiah Weed in acknowledgement of what has happened to the Santraginean Seas and their lifeforms.

Now add 750 ml of Cold Wild Turkey, letting it run into the mixture as we run through life to remind us of all the lifeforms we meet and experience while hitchhiking through the galaxy.

Speedily stirring, add 375 ml of Herradua Tequila, mixing it in to commemorate the galactic hitchhikers who died of pleasure among the vapors and gasses in the marshes of Fallia.

Over the bowl of a silver spoon, let flow 1 liter of rum in memory of the waterfalls and their glorious rainbows encountered on your journeys through the galaxy of life.

Next, drop in the worm found in a bottle of Musquil, watching it dissolve into the mixture. If the bottom falls out and the worm survives, drink at your own risk.

Finally, sprinkle into the mixture some Gatorade to commemorate the lifeforms which have vanished and are becoming extinct, both sentient and non-sentient, especially those most in need of aid.

If this many Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters are too many for the number of people you think you are, mix together the following amounts of ingredients as described above for a single serving.

1 oz. EverClear
4 oz. Bombay Sapphire or Jeremiah Weed
4 oz. Cold Wild Turkey
2 oz. Herredura Tequila
5 oz. Rum
1 worm from bottle of Mezcla

2 oz. Gatorade
This makes one approximately 18 ounce Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. The reason this drink seems so large is that Zaphod Beeblebrox has two heads, so when he created it, it came out to 9 ounces per head, so both were happy.

Before drinking, eat one olive to create a sweetness in it which is not there.

Drink very, very, extremely, extraordinarily carefully, and at your own personal risk; and remember where your towel is (if you can).

"Well, I´ll earn quite lots of money for this, let´s sell it"
First he went to a workers´ pub, then a town pub called Red Lion, then a high-class bar. No one wanted it. It was simply too stiff.
Finally, he went to some strange town called Holy Wood or something in order to sell the recipe. And here, he found what he sought.

There he went into a bar called The Dirty Duck and explained to the manager the benifits of his special drink "Now what would we be doin with that then" the manager said "Arr well you see, there is no drink like this in all of the universe" replied Ford "Is that right now, try this then" as he handed Ford a pint glass with a jet back substance in it with a creamy head, Ford took a sip then collapsed on to the floor.

The digestive sytems of those from the vicinity of Betelgeuse are remarkable robust and can cope with most things that the universe throws at them, That Old Janx Spirit for instance is but tap water to them and a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster a mere mouth wash, but under no circumstances must they must ever drink the black velvet liquid produced only on one little Island on an insignificant planet in sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, infact it is so deadly there has been talk of finding an excuse to remove the planet to avoid it ever been deployed as a WMD as there would appear to be massive stock piles. Apart from falling down a lot after drinking it, the monkey based lifeforms of the planet seem inmune to its effects. No other galactic being has ever survived drinking it, BE WARNED

That is except for Ford who stood up and slurred "al hav an nodder of that"

In quite an astoundingly short time, Ford Prefect was very, VERY drunk. He paroused around the bar, asking anybody he met if they had seen any flying saucers lately, or indeed ever.
"Any at all," he said to the middle of the the three women sitting on the barstool next to him, "really the, the color doesn't matter, not whit. Its just, I've been here for quite some time. Well I was somewhere else for awhile, New York I beleive it's called, but I'm back now. Of course even when I wasn't here, I was still here; which is where I'm trying to get away from."
Ford put out his hands to encompass the the bar, as well as the planet it was on, and would have knocked at least two of the women off the barstool next to him; if she hadn't vacated it a moment before.
"I think you've had quite enough, mate," said the bartender when Ford tried to order another glass of the deadly black drink.
"And I think," said Ford....

I haven´t. Jynnan Tonnyx, please."
"What´s that drink? My aunt whistles red."
"Oh, your aunt also has to be my aunt - she´s the only one to do so."
"You said the password! Here´s the "grub"."
"Oh, sure I could need a bite, give it to me."
Suddenly the police rushed in and...

broke into song, their reggae like riffs floating melodically around the bar. Ford looked around in bewilderment at this behaviour.
"What the zark is going on?" he demanded to no-one in particular.

"Improvisational theater, that´s what it is" Ford thought, but dropped the thought as soon as the police guys took out handcuffs and connected Ford to one of ´em.
"Why did you sing?" "April Fool´s Day"
"Belgium"

In the language of Betelgeuse, "april" means "earthling", so this strange expression means to poor Ford "Day at which earth dudes are foolish". He´s totally puzzled.

Of course Ford already had the impression that Earthlings were foolish, so this was not really a revelation.
The police raised Ford off his stool, and had to half carry him towards the door because his legs didn't seem to respond the way they should.
"I still don't understand, why am I being taken?" Ford mumbled. Unfortunately, he had reverted to his native language and the police didn't understand a word.
"What's he on about?" asked one policeman
"Dunno, he's speaking gibberish as far as I can tell," said another
"We better take him in, for his own good," said a third
This resolved, they escorted Ford out of the door being held open by a fourth policeman, doing a light shuffle-step on the way

The policemen threw Ford in their car, which looked odd, as it seemed to be a hippie bus. "Neat car" was the only thing Ford was able to say. "Yeah"

Actually, Ford greatly misunderstood the policemen´s action of taking him with him. Any earthling would soon have mentioned that the policemen ware not only drunk, but also had one marijuana too much. Maybe our knowledge of true April Fool´s Day will help Ford solve his problem.

Ford sat in the bus for some time without saying a word. Still unsure of his situation he thought he'd let things play out a bit before taking action.
It turned out that Ford had been correct in his initial guess. They were in fact an Improvisational theater group. He had been rather surprised when, after opening his satchel to check on his towel, one of the group saw his dog-eared copy of Godspell and broke out in abrupt laughter.
"What'r you doing that rubbish for?" he had managed to say between giggles, "I did that for years, never did me a jot. Live theater is where it's at; audience participation, improvisation, it's bloody brilliant! No stodgy old scripts, no other people writing your lines..."
He trailed off as another of the group handed him a burning paper which smelled quite foul.

"Hey, since you seem to be some sort of actor maybe you could help us out with our performance tomorrow in Hyde Park, where doing an improvisation of War of The Worlds, know anything about bug eyed monsters" still holding the strange smelling burning paper and not sure what he was supposed to do with it Ford replied "well as it happens some of my best friends are, so how can I help you and err whats this"

"It´s some kind of theater about Earth´s destruction"
"Interesting!"
"So will you join us? You´ll have free alcohol!"
"Of course"
And so they drove to Hyde Park to prepare the drama.
"Ford, you´ll play the alien"
Ford glared at the speaker.
"Play?"
"Don´t worry:you´ll also sing a song"