h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

They all landed in what appeared to be a dark enclosed space with very high Gothic type ceilings, the suprised birds went of to try and find their nests, but only to be captured and eaten by the gargolyes.

(so do we, that's why we changed the title, It used to be "one line at a time)

Ford landed four feet above the ground on the back of an extremely surprised, and now rather annoyed, Eagle. Ford fell off the back of the large bird in surprise, then had to duck under the long table next to him as the Eagle was now divebombing him in retaliation.
"Oh ah," said a voice from above him
"Excuse me?" asked Ford
"Most Eagles," came a voice which seemed to ride on the mans pungent odor, "dislike being jumped on. Oh ah"
"I didn't jump on it, I landed on it," Ford was ducking from one side of the table to the other to avoid the Eagle; the old man seemed completely unphased, "bit of a difference I'd say. Or rather I would say if I knew how to speak mad Eagle"
"I do know how to speak Eagle," said a different voice in his ear, "but I don't think it'll do much good; he's a bit upset."
Ford swung around and found himself nose to nose with a large, green nose.
Toerag grinned a large, manic grin. "Come with me"

At the far end of the Great Hall was a plinth with a rough cut looking throne, seated there was a very large scandinavian looking man, there was a dangerous looking axe leaning to one side of the throne. "WHY ARE YOU HERE TOERAG, DID I NOT SAY I WOULD SMITE YOU IF WE MET AGAIN"
"I am just the messenger my Lord Goofy and I have the protection of your Fathers power" sneered Toe Rag "anyway I have brought this creature whom is known as Ford t speak with you, I will leave now to save you wasting your Smitingness on me, Ha!!, NOBRAIN GOON" the flash from as Thor lifted and directed his axe at Toe Rag was blinding, Ford had taken the precaution of covering his head with his towel which had special factor 1,000,000 UV protection, but Toe Rag had already gone.
"Ah, Hi, you must been Thor, I'm Ford, I hope we can be friends"

"You are no Immortal, how did you get here?" Roared Thor
That little green chap brought me, but since he seems to have popped out I'm afraid I'm a bit stuck, but I'll be leaving now before you get inclined to do some more smiting. Was what Ford was going to say. All he actually managed was "Er," before Thor swung his hammer down and the whole ground beneath him shook.
"Well, mortal? What have you to say?"
"I was sent by your Father" Ford managed.
"My Father has no right to send anyone anywhere, the things he has been doing lately," there was a small curl of smoke suddenly from Thor's nostril, followed by a lick of fire, "why did he send you?"
"Actually, I'm not quite sure on that point myself. I'm just glad to be off that ruddy planet. Could you tell me where we are?" Ford looked around at the mass of bodies and animals, doing things with, around and to each other that he had not known were possible.
"This?" Thor said quzzically, "This is the Great Hall, the center of Valhalla"
"Only, your Father mentioned a party."
"This is the Great Feast! The prelude to the Challenging Hour, where I shall call my Father to task for what he has done; him and his damn hospital!"

"Er, fine, but he did mention this party and it was important that you left Earth to attend and if you don't mind I'll just tag along to keep you company" Thor roared " LEAVE EARTH, MY POWER COMES FROM THE EARTH, THAT'S WHY HE WANTS ME TO LEAVE, NOOOOO NEVER"

Ford could tell he had pushed the God too far, so he decided to sidetrack.
"Um, ok, listen," he really wasn't sure what he was going to say next, so he just sat back and listened himself.
"I don't want to get in the middle of what clearly is a family matter. If you could just tell me if there is a ship leaving this planet anytime soon so I can go myself, I'll be out of your beard forever."
Thor did indeed look as if he may smite something as he glared at Ford, and then at the Eagle which chose that moment to start dive bombing Ford again; the great bird immediately burst into flames and fell into the crowd, which then immediately set upon it in return.
"Apollo's chariot, which pulls the sun across the sky, is the only ship leaving Asguard tomorrow or any other day," said Thor
"What! no ships? not even a bloody jet buggy?" Ford couldn't believe his luck. Stranded on yet ANOTHER planet with no interstellar contact.
"Could you at least tell me where we are in space-time? What are our coordinates?"
Thor's gaze became more and more muddled as Ford spoke.
"I, I have no time for such meaningless questions," said the great God, utterly bewildered, "I have business with my Father, BEGONE!"
As Thor said this he picked up his great, horned helmet; and something resembling the Atlantic Ocean poured out of it and into the milling crowd.

But then he stopped and turned to Ford with a deep thoughtfuk expressin on his weathered brow "Tell me mortal, have you ever been to a place called Wales and how good are you at arithmetic" ford ever open for new opportunities said "Well, I've been around a bit so I must visited the planet of Wales at sometime and people always say they can count on me" "GOOD, then if you can help me I will go to this party"

(sorry that really was a typo error should read "thoughtful" Belgium Man really sorry)

Just then a massive gong sounded once, twice; so loud that Fords teeth rattled.
A great voice bellowed across the hall, "THE TIME OF THE CHALLENGING HOUR IS UPON US. THE GREAT GOD THOR HAS CALLED THIS MEETING TO CHALLENGE ODIN, THE ALL FATHER."
Ford stared at Thor, "Whos Father? I've never heard of an "All Father", look, if you can just point me to the nearest spaceport I'll be on my way"
Thor looked at Ford, then up at the Diaz, "I shall deal with you later," said the great God as he walked up to address the crowd.
When Thor stood on the Diaz he didn't look at all sure of himself,
"MY FATHER," he began, "HAS BEEN ACTING IN A MANNER NOT AT ALL BEFITTING A GOD! THE ALL FATHER DOES NOT BELONG IN A HOSPITAL BED! WE ARE ALREADY GROWING WEAKER AND THIS INDIGNITY MUST NOT BE TOLERATED!"
"Who are you to question where the All Father spends his time?" Came a small voice from off in the shadows.
Ford strained his eyes and could just make out Toe Rag hunched up on a pile of carcasses.
"Can you prove he is doing something evil? Can you prove he's doing anything besides enjoying this time of peace?"
Ford didn't know whether to run away from all this and make his own way from wherever this place turned out to be or wait for Thor to be done being Godly.

Toerag began to flit among the hall calling out objections, and Thor became more and more confused.
Suddenly there was a flash behind Thor, accompanied by a great CRACK of thunder; and the All-Father was there beside Thor.
"I HAVE COME TO ANSWER THE CHARGES PUT FORTH BY THE GREAT GOD THOR. WHAT HAS HE TO SAY FOR HIMSELF!" Odin's voice boomed through the hall, and the air itself seemed to be holding its breath as Odin glared at Thor.
"YOU, YOU ARE NOT ACTING IN A MANNER BEFITTING A GOD!" Thor bellowed
"WHO ARE YOU TO QUESTION YOUR FATHER? I WILL SPEND MY DAYS IN THE MANNER I SEE FIT!" Odin's face seemed to soften very slightly,
"You don't understand the world, my son. Mortals have moved on, they have no need of us anymore. Why fight it? Why can't you understand how things are?
"THOR, GOD OF THUNDER, GOD OF THE TOWERING CLOUDS, WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY?"
Ford was as speechless as anyone else. The whole hall was completely silent as the two Gods faced each other.
Thor glared at his Father, then raised his hammer and threw it up and over the crowd, it rang off the shields which served as the roof as it made a great arc, sweeping through many Eagles and knocking several to the ground before returning to its master.
"THOR LAYS DOWN FOR NO ONE, MORTAL OR GOD! I WILL NOT BE TOLD NOT TO BE THE GOD OF THUNDER, THE GOD OF THE GROWING FIELDS; I WILL DO AS I DAMN WELL PLEASE!" Thor caught his hammer and brought it crashing don in the stage, which cracked slightly.
"THEN YOU MUST BE PUT SOMEPLACE WHERE YOU CAN DO NO HARM," Odin's look was soft, but firm, "YOU WILL GO TO THE MORTAL WORLD, I SEND YOU TO WALES. THERE YOU WILL REMAIN, UNTIL YOU ARE FINISHED...COUNTING THE STONES!" There was an intake of breath from the crowd.
Ford was utterly perplexed, he turned to the man standing next to him," what stones has he to count?"
A bellow of rage from Thor blocked out most of what the man said, although he recognized the "Oh Ah"
"What?" asked Ford, but Thor began to argue again, making conversation impossible.
With a final, "IT IS DONE!" from Odin, Thor disappeared
"Great" thought Ford, "There goes my ride" He was rather surprised therefore when Odin then looked straight at him.
"You did well mortal," he said before they both disappeared.

Ford considered the pass events and realized that it would seem that he was being manipulated in some way by forces unseen forces, except for a white mouse running acrooss the empty hall, he was all alone.

(Let me try that again)

Ford considered the pass events realizing that it would seem that he was being manipulated in some way by unseen forces, except for a white mouse running across the empty hall, he was all alone.

"Hmmm" thought Ford "Very quiet around here, maybe I have been forgotten about, typical of the human race"

Little did he know the trouble in store for him in the next chapter!

But for now he decided he should have some fun, maybe go to a university space science lecture and heckle from the back.

Dark, very dark

Ford wondered how long he would have to endure on this ridiculas planet especially scince in recent weeks he had been completly ignored, still very dark

"Dark?" thought Ford...

"Why don't I light a match or something?"

Ford's delirium began to fade and something nearing reality was coming back to him, then he realized that his state of madness he had been in for the past few weeks was nothing to the fact he was still stuck on this crummy planet "Hello Ford" said a familiar voice "I see you are back with us again"

Time seem to drag for poor Ford, it was almost as if nobody cared about what happened to him anymore, perhaps it would be best ifhe waited for say, a passing Vogon constructor fleet to end it all, but then he thought"what nonsense, the Vogans would nebvr waste their time with this crummy little back water of a planet" so he resolved to do something positive with his time while being stuck here, maybe do something worth while that would help humanity move a few notches up the evolutionary scale past there present pre-primate faze, it was then that he noticed the sign above a door 'GOOD SAMARITANS wanted Apply within' this seemed strange since the Samaritans from the planet Samarteese Five where anything but good, but hey this is Earth so anything goes so he went in to apply.........