h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Appeared to be quite blind. He sat behind the wheel, not turning his head either way, and he was wearing sunglasses, despite the lack of sun for them to block.
Ford got in the back of the cab, feeling more concerned than when he'd flown in the bi-plane back in England with Mavis; and this wasn't even meant to leave the ground.
"So where you wanna go buddy?" said the driver, still with head pointed forward.
"I thought you were meant to take me to get a job driving one of these contraptions." Ford wondered if he shouldn't just jump ship now, while he had the chance.
"You got it, away we go," and away they went.
The driver dropped the meter flag, dropped the cab into gear, then leapt out into traffic, (there is always traffic in New York, Ford had noticed in his short time here), without even a backwards glance.

Ford noticed the drivers license, he was wearing the same dark glasses in the ID, his name was Al Kapelson "your in luck Bud, my rich old aunt owns this cab business, she lives in Boston but leaves the day to day running to me, now before you can become one of my drivers there is a little 'initiation process' to go through" Al pulled into an underground carpark where there was several other yellow cabs, the drivers who all wearing dark glasse stood together in group and seemed to be hiding something behind them, Ford had that deep sinking feeling about this and said "you know, I think I've changed my mind, maybe I'll stick to acting" but Al grasped Ford arm and said "to late Bud, OK guys step back and let it out" Ford had wondered if this was going to be one of those silly his head down the toilet-pan type initiations then he saw what was expected........

......it was a poddle "this is my Aunts pet dog, Griffin, she is away on her travels again so we take it in turns to take it for walkies" Ford felt this didn't look liked to much of an ordeal except for the way the rest of the drivers where backing away from it as it was lead towards Ford "well fine" said Ford "looking after one little dog seems easy enough" Al smiled and said "Good, glad you feel that way about it, you can take one of the cabs, if you return in one piece you've got the job, the pooper scooper is under the seat" Ford had no idea what Al was talking about but nodded and said "sure, I know a nice little park I found when I arrived, I'll take him there" Ford opened the back door of the cab but Griffin had already leapted onto the front seat, it was then that Ford noticed curled lips showing a interesting collection of fangs.

Ford had seen enough of these machines by now to get a general feel for how they operated. He started the cab, put it in gear, and backed straight into the roof support behind him.
This elicited a series of yelps and growls from the poodle, which Ford had at first decided to call Poof, because of its absurd style of grooming. Now however, after being treated to another veiw of its teeth and larger than average attitude, Ford decided on Fang, after a Vagan Snow Lizard he had had as a child.
Ford switched the gear to Drive and pulled out of the garage, while keeping at least one eye on Fang before it did something unspeakable.

it spoke

Ford very nearly ran the cab off the road as the voice barked at him.
"Don't forget to give her a drink, and no letting her drink out of a fountain! Only fresh water will do."
Ford gaped at this creature, sitting and staring at him. He had met some outlandish creatures in his time, but then thought better of it; NO creature even remotely intelligent would groom itself that way volentarily.
He reached out to examine the creature, and it tried to remove his finger.
"You try that again Fang, and I shall find a convenient bridge to throw you off; you can have all the water you want." Ford tried to look sternly at Fang, but he had towatch the road as well.
"I heard that!" Came the voice again.

Ford noticed then the voice was coming from a speaker on Griffin's(alias Fang's)collar, he pulled the cab to halt to investigate, which was a mistake as the back passenger door opened and in got his first ever fare "OK cabbie, I'm in a hurry take me to the Waldorf" said the smarted suited man who then sat back to read his New York Times. Ford strangley enough was excited, he was actually doing a job, but then the thought occured to him he didn't know even what a Waldorf was never mind where it was then he heard the voice from the dog whisper to him"carry on straight down 3rd then turn left onto 42nd take a right at Grand Central onto Park the Waldorf is about 5 blocks on the right, come on get a move you chump, this is business we can do pooper scooping later" ford felt he was loosing grip on reality, then the fare leant forward and said..........

"what's the matter buddy? You not speak English or somethin'?"
"No, no," Ford said, giving the man a grin which made him sit back and pick up his copy of the Times to avoid him, "I speak English just fine. Waldorf, coming up."
Ford dropped the cab into gear again and mashed the accelerator. The wheels bellowed smoke for a moment then the cab lurched into traffic. This elicited a whole new set of verbal abuses from Fang; the man looked quickly from behind his paper at this point, but then saw Ford looking at him in the rear veiw mirror and put the paper back up.
"Jeez buddy, I was only kidding." Said the copy of the Times.
"No problem," said Ford, still looking back at the paper, "this is fun, isn't it?"
There was no answer from the back seat.
Ford found navigating the city extremely easy, as long as you could count, the whole city was set up on a big grid; 12 streets up and down, and 125 streets side to side.
Ford whipped the cab through town, and once turned the wrong waqy down a one way street. There was a scream from the back as Ford slammed the cab into reverse and shot back the way he had come.
Finally Ford pulled up to the grand entrance of the Waldorf.
The doorman came up to open the passengers door and...

smiled and welcomed Fords passenger "Good afternoon Senator" as he walk towards the entrance he said " oh hi Bruno will you sort the fare with for me" "certainly Senator" Bruno went to Fords window and asked "what's the fare sir" but before Ford could answer a voice from beside him said "twentyfive bucks" Ford had given up trying to control the situation and just grinned and excepted the payment then drove of "ye your makin out really good, should have been ten, but whose to know" Ford wonder about dumping the mutt in the nearest river and finding a an exciting party to go to, but events where already against him what with the suitcase belonging to the Senator still in the back........

And the fact that Griffin had jumped into the backseat and was now chewing on the suitcase with wild abandon.
"Hey! stop that!", Ford yelled, and tried to reach back to retrieve it, while trying to watch the road at the same time.
"OUCH!" Ford yanked his hand back, which was now bleeding from where Fang had bitten him.
Griffin, now that he had had a taste of Ford, jumped back into the front seat and began to growel at him quite menacingly.
Hand bleeding, a mad dog with a taste for blood sitting a foot away; it was then that the man on the street practically threw himself in front of the cab to get his attention.

Ford broke quickly which had the effect of throwing the growling Griffin into the well off the car which knock him out, what worried Ford now was the famillar face ranting at him as he got into the back of the cab "No time to loose we must we must find the The Orders Obelisk follow the first car you see" said Dirk and continued "you are in great danger Ford, lets hope my arriving is in time" then he sat back and started to look through the contents of the suitcase, Ford just shook his head and decide to humour him and pulled out into the traffic to follow a Black Buick 8, he ignored the low whimpering coming from the foot well.

Ford reached for his satchel to retrieve his towel, for his hand, then thought better of it.
"Do you see anything in there for this?" Ford asked Dirk, and held up his hand.
"What happened to you? Have you been attacked? I told you you were in danger, why didn't you listen to me?" Dirk asked
"Because you've only just told me," Ford said, while taking the old, dirty bandana Dirk had pulled from inside his volumous coat, and was offering through the open safety glass.
"I told you that last time we met as well," Dirk said, once again rummaging through the suitcase, "Ah-hah" said Dirk, and held up a small key."
Ford was looking dubiously at the bandana, but in the end decided it was better than bleeding on his towel.
"I thought you meant the particular danger I was in at the time, not a whole sort of general danger. What's that?" Ford asked, looking in the mirror at Dirks triumphant face.
"It's a key," Dirk said obviously
"What's it for?" Ford asked
"No idea," Dirk said, "But it is a much more managable problem than the one I'm currently dealing with."
Ford followed the Buick 8 up one street and down another while Dirk continued to search the suitcase.
"Hey, who you talkin' to? You got a fair or what?" said the voice from the footwell.

As in all situations to do with Dirk, that which needs happen will happen, but Dirk as ever, has no idea that all present events are leading to the place and time where he needs to be even though the danger he talks about for Ford is only because Ford happens to be with Dirk and really that Ford would be safer driving a cab with a talking beast from doggy hell.

But:
1. The key Dirk has found in the bag is the one he will need when he finds The Orders Obelisk
2. The Senator has realized that he has left his case in the cab and has called the Head of the Order to tell him the problem
3. The head of The Order is in the Black Buick 8 and is going to the Obelisk

The Buick turn off towards Central Park, Ford followed having decided to wear the bandana on his head since the bleeding had stopped, Dirk shouted "there it is straight ahead The Obelisk"

The building Dirk was pointing at looked like it may fall apart at any moment, and the construction vehicles out front seemed to confirm this.
"Think nothing of it, dear boy," said Dirk when Ford pointed this out. "This is simply a front to throw off unwanted guests. Just follow that car and do whatever it does."
As they approached the building, one of the construction vehicles suddenly fired up and moved out of the way exposing an entrance; presumably to a parking garage.
The car entered and dissapeared, then the road grader moved back, blocking any hope of entry.
"Terrific," said Ford, "there's no way we're getting inside that way. Any more ideas? or should I keep circling and hope the suction draws them out?"
Ford looked back at Dirk in the mirror again, and saw a group of youths, all wearing similar bandanas to Fords, gathering in the street behind the cab.
"Oh Zarquon," said Ford, who knew a gang when he saw one.

Ford turned off the motor and looked Dirk in the face for the first time since he'd entered the cab.
"How important is this Obelisk thing?" Ford asked him.
"I believe it solely holds the future of this entire planet," said Dirk.
"So it's worth getting killed over? I merely ask for information’s sake."
"I think death would be a small price to pay for saving the planet, don't you?" Dirk said, without a trace of humor in his voice.
"And you have no idea how you're going to go about it?" Ford asked again. He had a plan forming in his head, and was doing his best to ignore it. He particularly wanted Dirk to have an idea, so he wouldn't have to.
"No idea at all, my boy," said Dirk, "but I am sure the answer will present itself."
"Right," said Ford, and opened his door.
By now the group had almost drawn level with the cab, some brandishing wicked looking weapons. Ford looked at them, and ferverently wished he had stayed in the cab; he had no idea if this would work, and hoped his headband was similar enough to theirs.
“’ere, I think you’re just the blokes I been looking for,” Ford said in his best imitation of the British accent. “They told me you’d be around ‘ere”
One of the group separated himself from the rest and addressed Ford. “Who the hell are you, what the hell are you doing here, and who told you about us?” the man asked, and took a step towards Ford.
“I’m from the England chapter, aren’t I?” Ford said while pointing at his blood soaked bandana. “I came ‘ere for a bit o’ a holiday, and got ripped off not an hour in. I’ve been looking all around for you, finally gave up and tracked the buggers ‘ere, and now you show up. Well played mates,” Ford said with a wink.
The man looked back at the group, silently questioning them, then back at Ford. “I don’t know of any English chapter of the Bloods. I think you’re full of it.”
Ford said a silent prayer, and then whipped off the bandana. “’ave a look at this then!” Ford shouted, and showed the recent blood stain, “if I’m not a bloody Blood, then ‘ow you explain this? Think I go around tearing up me own ‘and?” Ford then showed his recently bitten and still slightly bloody hand.
The man looked at the bandana, then at Fords hand, and then at Ford himself. He seemed to weigh things momentarily, and then his face spread into a grin.
“How can we help?”

"well this here is my Uncle Dirk, no good trying to speak to him he is from Poland and will not understand you, isn't that right Uncle Dirk" Dirk caught the drift quickly and replied in perfect Polish "obmy?lam tych ch?opców s? pomyloni mam nadziej? wy poznajecie co wy robicie Ford" the gang seem to except the strange Uncle since they could not understand him, Ford of course understood due to his Babel Fish, so he continued " We need to get inside that Obelisk so my Uncle Dirk can perform a religious ritual which is part of the secret sect he belongs to" Jakko, the gang leader said 'So what's such a big deal about that, what do we care if he is a God Nut" Ford continued"it's the sacrifice bit I think you guys will enjoy" Dirk with a certain ammount of worry at this point said "Gdzie s? wy udaj?cy si? (id?cy; chodzenie; wybieraj?cy si?) z ten (to) jed, JA nie zamierzam musie? ta?czy? nagi wokó? zmieniaj? jestem JA" Ford laughed and said "ye, most likely, if it gets us in there way not" Jakko said "OK, leave it to us we will get you in there, but you must agree that.........

"Yes, yes, we'll give you a cut of anything we find in there." Ford said. He may not know this gang, but he knew gangs in general.
Dirk leaned out of the window and said, "Ford, there is no money involved here; you are going to get us killed!"
Just as Jakko said, "Well, I was just going to make sure we were part of this sacrifice," he looked back at the gang and got a roar of approval, "but I like your idea as well," he said, to an even louder cheer.
Ford looked back and forth between the two, wondering who to address first; then decided to ignore them both. He stepped aside and opened Dirks door.
"Lead the way," he said to Jakko.
Jakko was as good as his word. The gang converged on the building, distracting anybody they came across any way they could. One man was knocked out by a fierce blow, by an even fiercer looking thug. Another was seduced by a female member, who walked up to the man and whipped her shirt off, to reveal her ample chest. The oaf stood, transfixed, as another member simply walked up behind him and throttled him on the back of the head.
One by one, anybody they came into contact with was dealt with, until they were well into the building.
That was when…..

Ford woke up, the room was dark, very dark, he reached for a light switch but failed to find one, he stood up but fell down again, he tried to speak but no sound came out. A door opened and blazing light streamed into the room, this blinded Ford, then a familar voice said "How are you feeling now Ford, we have been very worried, you've been in a coma for seven weeks, except every now and then you would come around and say some very strange things" Ford then managed to squark a reply "Mavis!!! what the belgi......" but then collapsed back down again with the effort.

Ford slipped back into what was a apprent coma for another 6 days, but it was actually a form of deep sleep used by his race to either cope with great stress of to avoid paying for the next round of drinks. This time when he came out of his extened rest he was alert and and prepared for anything, except for being five foot of the ground on a bunk bedwhich he discoverd as he hit the floor hard "Arrr, hello Ford" said a voice from the bottom bunk"back with us at last, boy have you misssed all the fun"

Ford looked up at the man, but had no idea who he was. He rubbed gingerly at the lump rising from his head.
"Do I know you?" He asked. The man certainly seemed to know him, he looked down at Ford sitting on the floor with unmistakeable friendship.
"Where's Dirk? What happened to the Obelisk? Where in fact am I?" This last was said as Ford slowly took in his surroundings, he appeared to be in a room in a cottage. He could see rolling fields out the small and slightly murky window.
"I must be going mad, I've always wondered what it would be like" Ford thought to himself, then rounded on the man.
"And while we're at it, when am I, what happened, who can I blame for it. Speaking of which, did I see Mavis a short time ago, and," Ford held up his finger and got a malicious little gleam in his eyes, "do you have a drink."
The man sat there quietly grinning, allowing Ford to fully form his questions, then said....