h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

After a while, Ford got bored lying in his sack, so he fished his copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide out of his sachel, and checked under the entry of 'kidnapping'.

"If you happen to find yourself as a victim of a kidnapping, there are several things you can do. You can fight back, scream, bargain, pray, or relax and enjoy the adventure. Fighting back could lead to injury or death, and if the kidnappers are half-way intelligent, you are restrained anyway, so fighting back probably won't work. Screaming will be wildly successful if you are aiming to be kicked a lot and gagged. If not, though, it isn't recommended. Bargaining may work if you have been kidnapped for a ransom, or if your kidnappers are greedy and stupid. Praying brings up the question of which god to pray to, and whether whichever one you choose is not too busy with the running of the universe and avoiding perplexing questions about the original creation to be bothered with your insignificant little problems anyway. If none of these options work, just settle back and enjoy the ride. At least you won't be bored."

"Bl**dy useless ***** waste of ******** space and ******* time" muttered Ford to himself.

Finally the van stopped, and Ford was dragged out and dumped unceremoniously on the ground.

"Hello Ix, how things hanging old buddy" Ford groaned as he reconized the voice, he was never exactly bullied at school since Zaphod was always around to protect him but this dude was a really pain in the butt and had been the head of the gang that nicknamed him Ix, which he hated.

"What the photon are you doing here, Fascarn? I thought you were voted most likely to be pushed into a black hole, or something equally unpleasant like that."
"Well, no ones managed to so far, though quite a few have tried." Said Fascarn. He then laughed the high pitched, glass shattering laugh which used to send chills down Ford's spine.
"How in the universe did you find me here? Just a small matter, but I'd like it cleared up before any more unpleasantness happens."
"Easy," said the excrutiating voice, which was beginning to start the chills again, "I asked your mother."

"OK Fascarn, what the deal, unless you have really good angle you wouldn't be seen dead on this planet"
"Are but there are things about this world you and your tinpot guide have no idea about, I'm just here to exploit things before, shall we say, before things hot up" Fascarn laughed or maybe better discribed as a squeek, it would be another eleven years before Ford understood the significance of this conversation, but now his mind was fixed on getting away from this whizzball "so what is it you want from me"

"I'm going to exploit this planet for all it's worth, I can probably get dumping rights dirt cheap for now."
"What are you on about," Ford demanded, "your making even less sense than I remember."
"Like I said, I'm going to exploit this planet while there's still time; and you're going to help me." Fascarn said with a sneer.
"And what do you have to exploit with? You don't really think you can push around an entire planet, do you?"
"Push around? My dear Ix, I have got a very nice deal from the Sirius Cybernetics corporation for disposal rights of old equipment."
"Have you been to England lately?" Ford asked, but Fascarn talked right over him.
"But I'm going to turn around and sell them to these underdeveloped inhabitents. Imagine it Ix, a whole world filled with cell phones, personal computers, PDAs; and none of it that works right! So they'll have to come back to me to gey more! I'm telling you Ix; it...can't...fail!
"So what do you want from me?" Asked Ford

"well that,s obvious, you look human, I look like a oversized iguana, so who do you think people will want to negotiate with and besides I have something very special to offer to you"sneered Fascarn
"what can you offer that could be remotely of interest to me"asked Ford "a lift on my shuttle when I leave" The idea of escaping from earth was very tempting but somehow Ford knew even he could not agree to working with this scale faced git, but decide to go along with him for the time being till he could figure things out "OK, what to want me to do".......

Fascarn was not up on the method of political leadership of Earth and had by via some dodgy research come to wrong conculsions. "Well first Ford I have arrange a meeting with the world leader, you are to have lunch with him today and discuss my proposals for supplying my products" Ford felt puzzled as his limited knowledge of the planet, he had not been aware of anactual world leader"so whats this guys name then Fascarn" "he is known as the Hoffman"

"Ok, alright, meet with a world leader, why not? Why not go mad?" Ford exclaimed, then was sat down to get the pertinent details.
He was to meet the Hoffman in a hotel bar some twenty blocks away, and no he could not walk it, he would be driven.
"Not that I don't trust you, Ix old buddy, but I do have quite alot riding on this and I'm not about to see it fail because of you."
"It is apparently in my best interest to help you Fassie," said Ford, eying the two thugs who had brought him here, and their weapons. "And, as my doctor says I have a hyper-evolved self preservation gland, I don't see why I shouldn't. Lead away," he said to the thugs. The two were green skinned as well, but compared to Fascarn seemed almost normal.
"Yes, take him," Fascarn said to the two hulking figures. "Make sure he arrives at this meeting, we'll determine his lifespan afterwards."
"And don't call me Fassie!" followed them out of the room.
They arrived at the bar a short time later and...

Fascarn said to Ford"this isn't going to be easy, this Hoffman guy is not easy to approach, wev'e fixed it so your a waiter here, you'll have to work your way into his confidence" Oh great, thought Ford as went up to Dustin's table.
"Oh, er, hi," he said, Ford got into his part quickly "Oh yes erm, would you like something to eat"
"OK, yeah, thank you" he had not been a waiter before so he was struggling a bit "so what would you like, a bagel maybe"
"Er, yeah, a bagel would be fine" Ford was not sure this was going to work, this was not exactly world leader stuff.
"Yeah, and maybe some juice," time to get out of this mad house thought Ford, except Fascarns thugs where sitting a the table by the door

Ford retreated towards the kitchen, but made a stopoff at the two goons first.
"Listen, I'm not sure he's going to go for this, you better go back and ask Fassie if he'as got any other ideas."
The two looked at him blankly for a moment, then one said, "we're supposed to stay here and wait for you to be done."
"Well, it doesn't take two of you to do that, does it? Your friend here can keep an eye on me while you go back."
"But, I can't drive," said the other one.
"Ok, fine," Ford said with a touch of impatience, he did have a bagel to order, "You stay and he'll go back."
The two looked at each other for a long moment, then spoke for a moment in a language the Babelfish couldn't translate.
"Right, I'll go back and speak with Mr. Fascarn, he'll keep an eye on you. You watch him good." Said the one, then walked back to the car.
"Great," thought Ford, "That's rid of him."

He then made his way back to the table, passing the kitchen and calling out the order for the bagel and juice as he went, and not particularly caring if it was made, or even acknowledged.
"You bagel should be up in a minute," Ford said to Mr. Hoffman when he returned. "And, as long as we're on the subject, I have this friend who has a business proposition for you."
Dustin stared at him, "We weren't on any subject, besides my food."
"Right," said Ford, "quite right, but now that we are on the subject, I have this friend. Well not really a friend, more a sort of homicidal lizard I used to know, who believes you rule the world; and as I said, he has a business proposition for you."
"Are you English?" asked Dustin, "I only ask because the English never make much sense."

Dustin and Ford talked for a bit, and Ford actually got on quite well with him, especially after Ford told him he was an out of work actor.
"I've been there, just keep with it, you'll find your niche'," said Mr. Hoffman. "And as far as ruling the world, I'm trying but it's not going nearly as quick as I'd hoped."
"Well," said Ford, "keep trying, you’re bound to succeed sooner or later."
Which, by a staggeringly strange coincidence, was exactly the same advice being given to Zaphod Beeblebrox on contemplating running for President of the Galaxy, for no adequately explained reason.
"Ok, I'll just go check on that bagel for you," said Ford a bit later, and went to the thug still sitting by the door.
"You better go tell 'ol Fassie that he got information seriously zarked up."
"What'do you mean?" asked the goon, who was now wearing a confused look which fit altogether better with his features.
"I mean, this guy doesn't rule anything. Now run along and tell his scaly ness he's going to have to find someone else."
"No, I think you'd better come with me," said the thug.
"Listen, if I come back with you, and tell him this, he's going to kill me. How much use can I be to him if I'm dead? Can you tell me that? I'll tell you how much, none at all.
Now, if you go back by yourself and tell him, he'll be furious, sure, he may even do you serious bodily harm, true. But I'll be alive, and I can still help him if I'm alive, right?"
The thug looked thoroughly bewildered, "um, yah, I guess your right. Can't very well help him if you’re dead."
"Good, right, ok you just nip off and tell him; I'll be at the bar."
Ford walked away from the thug slowly and deliberately, leaving him to work things out for himself.
He reached the bar and ordered, then turned to see the thug walking slowly out of the hotel, occasionally looking back over his shoulder at Ford, who waved happily and made little shooshing motions at him.
He sat down next to a smallish man wearing quite thick glasses, morosely staring at his drink.
"Hello, I'm Ford, Ford Prefect," said Ford. Anyone looking that dejected might just be able to cheer Ford up a bit.
"Oh, hi," said the man, once he realized he was being addressed, "my names Bill, Bill Gates."

it was at this point that Ford had decided to consult his guide to see if there was any answer to his current problem, but before he could use it this Bill Gates guy said "hey whats that thing" Ford didn't want to get stuck with a long complicated explaination about the guide so said"Oh, this, it's a sort of a micro ideas box that I use when I'm in a fix, the trouble is the answers it gives me are usually pretty soft" Bil looked a Ford with wonder and said" lets get this straight, you have a hand held box, a micro I think you called it and it's full of soft ideas" "ye, that pretty much sums it up" Ford gave him a demonstration and type in a random search..........

Windows:
Windows are a fabulous way of getting a good view of the outside without all the bother of actually going outside yourself.
By simply looking out a window you can tell all sorts of wonderful things about your world.
You can find out for example, if it's day or night, rainy or sunny, snowy or halking, you can tell if your friend is walking up the lawn for a nice cup of tea, and by the relative position of the sun (or suns depending on your planet) tell if it's about tea-time.
The Santra-Senals of Grandirr have what has become known as Ever-View windows, that is to say that they always show the same view, no matter where you put them.
So, for example, if you wanted a mountain view while working at your desk, simply pick up a mountain scene. Or, put a watwerfall in the bath, or a large Dog looking in on your houseguests, or....well, you see the possibilities.
It is interesting to note that Ever-View windows have become so popular that many Grandirrians have them stolen right out of their homes, or baths, or wherever they're hung. Thereby causing many Santra-Senals to simply knock large holes in they're walls and cover them with glass, just to let a little light in.

"so err, tell me,this softmicro windowy thing of yours, do you have the idea for it trademarked or anything" Ford who was now glad to speak to someone who was not of the reptilian persuasion said " well not as far as I know on this planet, I don't think the guide considered this place to be highly enough evolved to bother register it with the Galactic Patents Consortium why did ask" "arr, ye, you see I just come out of a brainstorming meeting with some of my asscoiates, thought the walk and some lunch may clear my head, meeting you has inspired an idea I have, tell me, would you sell that microbox thing to me?" since the guide was the only knowledge base he had there was no way he would sell it, but it occured to Ford that Fascarn would have a copy, so a little bit of negoiation here and alittle bit of grand theft latter should prove quite lucrative "Maybe, what the deal?"

"I have this associate who deals in things like this; I'll have a talk with him as soon as I can," said Ford, whose day was suddenly looking very bright.
"Tell me, what kind of brainstorming session were you having?"
"Oh, just trying to make the world a better place, and make a whole boatload of money doing it; basically the same as everybody else, except we're trying to do it electronically," said the little man with big spectacles.
Ford had gotten a feel for what passed as technology on this little backwards rock, almost exclusively they were quite large boxes that went "BING" for no readily apparent reason. Digital watches were just starting out here and this guy wanted to change the world with them.
It was more or less at this point that a large, meaty, and badly bruised hand clamped itself on Fords shoulder.
"Mr. Fascarn wants to have a word, or rather a shot at you. You will come with me, now," said the goon, who was a rather badly beaten shadow of his former self.
Ford ignored him for the moment, "yes, this would be my ride back to my associate," Ford said to Bill, "I'll just nip off and have a talk with him. You stay here, I shouldn't be long."
He stood up, leaving Bill to sit and look very confused, "lead the way," he said with a slight bow.
"Not even close," said the thug, "I'm not supposed to let you out of my sight, now move." He said this last in a light whisper, made even more menacing by the state of the man.
"Ok, ok, I'm going, I'm going," said Ford, in a rather undignified way.

Fascarn was not happy, besides the fact that he was going through a skin change, that always made him even more unpleasant "Start talking Ixxy baby, if you say the wordsyour death won't be to horrible, why did you fail with the Earth Leader" Ford felt sorry for the deluded lizard so decided " Look Fassie, this Hoffman guy is not what he seems, he wants some prove of what you have got to offer, such as a sample of advanced technology, how about if I borrowed you copy of the guide to show him" As Fas frowned at Ford a scaley flap of skin dropped from his jaw "What about your copy?" "well I thought of that, but it's pretty battered and not a good example to impress a world leader, no, if I know you yours will be as new" this was true as Fascarn had never actual used it due to his claws not being able to operate the keypad, he just carried it with him because he thought it looked cool. "I don't trust you Ix, so if your going to take my copy I'll have to have something which you would not like to loose as security, so I'll have your.........."

Towel. Hand it over"

Ford looked crestfallen... what a situation for someone to get into. A choice between your towel or your guide.

"Alright, you can hold on to my towel," said Ford, trying to gain control of the situation, "but only because I think I may be able to make this thing work. I think though, that I should bring a few more examples, if I'm going to balance it with something as important as my towel; they don't even have to work properly. I don't know if you've noticed how inept this species is, give them a broken Sens-O-Matic and they’ll call you a god. Think about that one Fassie, God of a whole world."
"Don't call me Fassie!" He roared, and Ford thought he had pushed him too far; luckily this was not the case.
"That does sound tempting," Fascarn said to Ford after calming himself, and idly picking at some of his floppier scales while he considered.
"I have had an idea," he announced to his thugs a moment later, then turned back to Ford.
"You may have my copy of the guide, but only if you can unload at least half of my payload for no less than," he lapsed back into thought for a moment, and was thereby hard to look at at this point, because thoughtfulness was not a look which sat well on his face, "two gallons of skin cream."
"Aye, what about us Mr. Fascarn?" Asked one of the goons.
"Ok, three gallons of skin cream."
"Thank you sir, you’re too kind."

Before handing over the Guide, Ford wiped the memory banks and removed Galatic Commun-O-Mat chip, 'fine' he had thought 'if this guy wants to play with advanced technology, perhaps it,s not a good idea he knows to much about the rest of the universe'

back at the restuarant Bill was now sitting at the table with Dustin eating bagels, as Ford approach he heard the back end of their conversation "no I'm sorry Mr Gates, if I was to put my money into every crack pot idea people tell me about then I would be broke by now, you'll have to find some other mug to come in with you, this personal whatyoumacallit will never take off" Ford interrupted "excuse me Bill, I have that thing which we discussed, it may help your case, not we have a few things to negotiate"