h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Oh don't listen to him Ford, he just trying to get you worried, he hardly ever crashes, now are you going to sit in the back seat or do you want to ride on the wing with me, much more fun that way"
Nothing much usually worried Ford, but sometimes his keen senses of self preservation kicked in, he decide to consult the guide, so he typed in....
..............

First, consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far.
If however, life hasn't been good to you so far; and anyone considering doing such a monumentally stupid thing cannot possibly have had a good time of things, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.

"I need to get off this planet so I can do something about that thing," Ford said as he settled himself into the rear seat. He then watched with utter amazement as Mavis climbed up the wing rigging and fastened herself into the custom harness.
"Everybody ready?" Bernard called out.
Mavis raised a hand with a thumbs up.
Ford checked the safety harness, then said, "as ready as I'm likely to be."
"Ok, I have enough fuel to get us several hundred Kilometers," Bernard said as he started the motor. It sputtered, it smoked, it knocked and it pinged, but eventually he judged it to be running well enough to move them out.
The plane rumbled along the ground, and Ford was knocked from side to side. Just when he thought he could take no more his stomach gave a sickening lurch and they were airborne, then another as they dropped, made contact with the ground once more, then bounced back skyward.
After they had been airborn for several minutes, Bernard yelled,
"So where are we going anyway?"

While Mavis and Bernard dicussed this, Ford watched the local landscape. As they flew over a large green field Ford saw two teams of sports players competing over a round black and white ball.
Ford had seen this game on the Tv, and was confused of it's name; he had heard it refered to as both Football and Soccer.
He was not entirely familiar with the rules either, but he was fairly convinced that while he was watching, he saw one player apparently score against his own team.

Although Mavis was showing off a bit now by standing on her hands, she managed to shout back to Bernard "BELGIUM!!!!"
Ford could not believe a lady would use such language and wondered if maybe she was having trouble out on the wing, so despite being gallant was not usually in his nature he climbed up onto the wing to help her(it was not mentioned before, but fortunately Bernard had insisted that Ford should wear a parachute)

The last thing that Mavis heard as Ford fell from the back of the plane was "Belllllgggiiummmmmm!!!!!!!!"

Ford plummited through the air, he hated heights but tried his best to keep his head straight. Little did he know that years from now he would be falling from a MUCH greater height; depending on which timeline one were to follow.
"Pull that cord and hold on," had been Bernards instructions as he roughly fitted the parachute on.
"Pity I couldn't have gotten ahold of his ruddy beard as I fell," Ford said as he pulled the ripcord. The parachute came out with a mighty WHJOOSH and Ford was jerked back up into the air.
In the short time he was in the air he found he could control his direction to a degree by pulling on the cords connecting him to the chute, so he did his best to aim for the field he had seen while airborne; having no desire to be stuck up a tree with no hope of rescue.

Arthur was greatful for the man that landed in the middle of the Football pitch, because it turned the attention of the crowd away from the goal he had just scored, against his own team.
He had always loved the game, had a passion for it; in fact he got so pationate that when he got the ball he kicked for all he was worth. After a spectacular attemt at a save from his goalie, the ball had soared through the narrow gap between the keeper and the side post.
But now the crowd had gathered around the man stuck beneath his parachute, howling to be let out. Arthur quietly slunk away thinking it simply must be a Thursday, he had always had the most terrible luck on Thursdays.

In fact it was during a Thursday that his own brother was nibbled to death an okapi while on safari in the Congo, he had never really got over that, especially since the okapi is not known as being a dangerous animal. At least he had the small inheritance that from is brothers estate that would enable him to buy a nice little house in the country when he was older. But the playing for the youth team seemed like a good idea at the time and he was very good at scoring goals, just in the wrong net. As he sulked back to the the dressing room he had an odd feeling about the chap who had just parachuted onto the pitch but decided not to get involved, besides the Referee was giving the poor chap a hard time anyway

"What do you think you are doing?" bellowed the referee at the parachute draped figure of Ford Prefect. "It's against the rules to absail into team sports."

It was about at this time that Ford started to form his opinions of the Human race. He was told at least six times, "Hey, you've ruined the match!" from the screaming crowd.
Was told to, "get free of that bloody parachute and get off the pitch!" by seven others, and one man kept screaming, "Git im, git im quick, git im all wrapped up...." as well as other things Ford couldn't make out.
And of course there was the Referee, who was still pretending he was firmly in control by gesturing and blowing his whistle.
He began to think that Humans must prosess their thoughts out loud, and the more Humans gathered in one place, the louder they had to shout the very, very obvious to get their own particular thoughts heard.

All this yelling and processing had gone on while Ford was still trying to extricate himself from the brilliantly colored parachute. When he finally was free, after several minutes of unaided struggling, he undid the harness holding the zarking thing to him and...

...promptly fell down the hole his landing had made in the pitch.

"Hey, where'd 'e go?@ asked one of the crowd?"

then Mavis swooped down on a paraglider and lifted Ford to relative safety from the angry crowd"I don't know, you seem to be a moving disaster area" Ford looked up puzzled towards Mavis and said"How do you know about Disaster Area, have you met my old mate Hotblack" as they sailed back up over the stadium roof Mavis was beginning to wonder if the massive fee that Dirk had promised was worth all the effort.

As they moved away from the stadium a young teenager looked on from the street and a strange thought struck him "I wonder if the cafe is still open down the street, I fancy a cup of tea"

the crowd on the pitch where so shock by Ford sudden disappearance, they thought he had fallen down a hole in the ground. (got out of that one merrymoon, sorry)

"Where did you get that contraption?" Ford asked, craning his neck to try and look at Mavis while she had him under the arms.
"This is part of our act!" Mavis shouted back, "Bernard flys my about for a bit, then I pretend to fall off, pop my wings out, and fly over the crowd."
"Your a very strange person, has anyone ever told you that?" Ford yelled up, then quickly shut his mouth as Mavis threatened to drop him.
"And I'm begining to wonder if your worth all the effort," Mavis yelled back
"I'm worth it? Your wondering if I'm worth it? All I did was pop by this little backwater planet of yours, an since I have been assaulted, not to mention insulted, in more ways than I would have thought possible from you simple simians!"
This time Mavis did drop him.

luckily it just over Elstree Studios and he landed on a pile of cardboard boxes used by the stunt people filming the new George lucus film called Stars Wars(IV). Ford stood up all dazed when some of the extras from the film came rushing up to see if he was OK, they where of course wearing the customs of various aliens life forms for the bar scene. Ford look around and suddenly felt right at home for the first time in three years, but this was to be short lived as the reality of the situation became apparent

Ford eyes blazed, he didn't know how it had happened; temperal warp, hole in the space time continuum, and he didn't care. When he opened his eyes he saw people, real space going people for the first time in years; then he saw the bar.
He all but ran to it, "quick, bartender, give me three Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters and hurry, before this turns out to be an illusion or something equally unpleasant."
"Um buddy, I think your a bit confused," said the man in makeup, looking at Ford as if he really were an alien.
"No, no I can't be! This is a bar, those bottles are alcohol and your a bartender. Now mix them, quick." Fords eyes shone with excitement, or madness.
"Look, I don't think you have any concept of where you are, this is a movie set and you've dropped in right in the middle of the big climax scene..." The man went on for quite awhile, as well as others who joined in the berating, and this would have been an ideal time for Ford to expand on his newly formed oppinions of humanity; except he heard none of it.
He had turned around to get a grip on this new reality, and his blood froze.
There, walking towards him, was a great hairy beast that Ford recognized. Even with all the distractions in school, what with Zaphod and beautiful women and all, the storys of the Wook'enses still managed to penetrate Fords otherwise occupied brain.
The Wook'enses were large, hairy, hyper-agressive, warlike creatures whose reputation is only surpassed by the actual truth of the matter.

Ford decided to keep into the shadows of the bar and watch things develop, he liked to watch, but not get involved in a good bar brawl, the Wook'enses seemed to be in deep conversation with a an oldish man in a hooded cloak, somewhere in the distance someone shouted"annnnddd ACTION" then all hell broke loose, a group of Aliens of unknown origin started giving a young lad further along the bar a hard time, it look like he was in really trouble when suddenly the cloak man intervened and waved a handle about, Ford thought it must of had an invisible beam since the alien fell on the floor screaming, then someone shouted"cut, ye that's fine Alex, lets take a break for lunch" with that everyone walked out of the bar including the alien who had been screaming.....Ford just shook his head in disbelief, then someone tapped him on the shoulder and said.....

"Going somewhere Solo?"

"WHAT!!!" said Ford
"well you are Harrison's stunt double aren't you, the way you did that fall from the sky before was fantastic, anyway I thought we could rehearse the next scene"
Ford was not certain which galaxy this creature was from be felt he should just humour him
"Ye, sure lets do it"

As they walked away from the bar, Ford asked forlornly, "so, no drinks aye?"
"Nah, all that rubbish is nothing but water and food coloring." said the man in the green mask with an extended nose.
"Dingo's kidneys, I knew it was too good to be true," Ford sighed.
"I've got some stuff out in my traier that will blow your mind though, we can go there after we reherse." said the man.
It was a bit hard to understand him, the mask muffled his words quite a bit; but from what he could make out, Ford saw inebriation in his near future and the prospect lightened his mood tremendously.
They sat in a booth off to the side of the bar, and the man explained Ford was to shoot him.
"That's all well and good, except I havn't got a gun," said Ford, while wondering if he could use his towel as a substitute.
"Well, I'm not expecting to get shot, so I think we can do without the real thing." Ford looked at him, wondering how serious he was. How was Ford meant to shoot him if he wasn't expecting to be shot?

after a half hour of pointless chat with this strange beast, Ford made his excuses and decided to have a look around this weird alien world he seemed to have fallen into. As he was walking between an avenue of large building he noticed one with a name on the door that read 'Millennium Falcon Set' set for what he wondered, so he went in, the place was apparently deserted, but there in the glow of the stage lights stood a spaceship"Whowwww!!!!! fantastic, what a bucket, but at least I could use it to blast out of this binbag joint" he ran towards the access ramp, it was then he noticed a group of what appeared to be soldiers clad in white and wearing strange helmets, he also noticed they where carrying unusual blaster ray guns, he froze to the spot and did the only thing that any hitch hiker can do in this situation, he started waving his towel above his head. From somewhere in the shadows a voice said "CUT CUT CUT, you the hell is that guy!!!"

"Excuse me," Ford yelled into the darkness, "is this your ship?"
"What the hell do you think your doing?" The voice yelled back, "you've totally ruined my shot!"
"Well, I was just trying to distract them," Ford said, pointing out the stormtroopers, "but if you've got a bead on them, by all means fire away!" Ford said, then ducked down waiting for the hail of amunition raining down on this band of hijackers. After a minute of non-rain Ford stood back up, and saw he was being approached by a bearded man carying a red and white apparatus in his hand.
"He's got the gun in his hand, why doesn't he bloody well use it?" Ford asked himself as the man closed the distance.
Then, finally, the man raised the weapon. He broughtit up to aim it, then spoke into it.
"Ok everybody, take five." Ford assumed this was a sonic weapon since it amplified his voice, but it was totaly ineffective, the hijackers simply walked away; maybe a hypno-weapon?
"Ok, would you like to explain to me who you are, and what you think your doing?" The man said as he walked up to Ford, who was a bit surprised the man didn't come farther up his chest.
"I am Ford prefect, and I am trying to hitch a ride on this space ship." Ford said, carefully and clearly. He didn't want the weapon turned on him.
"What do you mean, spaceship? "The little man asked, "that's a model, it's not about to fly anywhere!"
"What is this place?" Ford asked the air, "bars without alcohol, spaceships that don't fly, where the fettid photon am I?"

Mr Lucas very calmy explained to Ford that none this was real, he was on the set of a movie and everything was props and makeup, then he arranged for security to Ford escort from the lot.



Ford was bemused by the whole thing and was glad to be leaving, but on his way out he met a tall dark figure wearing a strange mask and cloak"Heor you must be that there stunt guy dats upset de boss" Ford felt the west country accent did not fit with the imposing posture