h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Bill made a polite exit from Dustin, and he and Ford made their way back to the bar.
"I was just in the middle of negotiations," Bill said to Ford.
"Yes, I heard," Ford replied, "exept after this you'll have something to negotiate with, listen," And Ford told Bill about the deal he had made with Fascarn.
"So I'm supposed to take a pile of junk that doesn't work?" Bill said and started to get up from the table, "I think your trying to pull a fast one and I'm not going to be a part of it," insisted Bill.
"Don't be so quick to judge," said Ford and Bill stopped in the act of rising.
"Ok, so it doesn't work. So you don't stand a chance of ever getting it to work, so what? Do you realise what it is I'm offering you? This is major league stuff, we're talking technology from across the galaxy!" Ford said this last in a whisper so as not to attract attension.
"All you have to do is suss how it works, you don't actually need a working model. Besides, what do you think would happen if you suddenly came out with a Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic all working? People would call you a nutter, they wouldn't accept it. But, if you were to slowly work up the technonlogy, noone would argue."
Bill had sat down during this, and now looked at Ford with growing understanding, "You know, I think you may have a point."

"all I have to do get you skin care products for your associates, well that should not be a problem, but the other item you wont for yourself could be a problem but I'll see what I can do, but I don't understand the bit about you wanting to pretend that I'm the ruler of the planet" Ford thought about this and said "listen Bill, if you handle this deal right in a few years time you will virtually own this planet and ye, I know what I have asked for is difficult but it will at least make life for me on this planet bearable until I can find away off it"

Ford and Bill left the bar and approached the car waiting to take them back.
"Are you, are you sure about this?" Bill asked when he got a look at the thug waiting with the door open.
"It's perfectly safe," Ford said, "wait until you see his boss."
They arrived back at Fascarn's and the thug led them inside.
"This is not Dustin Hoffman!" Bellowed Fascarn as soon as they entered.
"Yes, I know it's not," Ford said while beside him Bill was beginning to blubber.
"Um, Ford? That, that isn't human," Bill said, pointing an accusatory finger at Fascarn.
"I told you," said Ford, ignoring Bill, "Dustin Hoffman doesn't rule anything. If you want to talk to somebody, talk to Bill here."
"He's, he's not human!" Bill said again, pointlessly in Ford's opinion, "he's an, an...."
"Alien, yes," Ford finished for him, finally having to address Bill, "what do you think I meant by technology from across the galaxy?"
"Who is this then?" Fascarn asked and Ford turned his attention back to him.
"This is Bill, as I said. Ok, so he doesn't exactly rule the planet, but he is in a much better position than Dustin Hoffman does. With our help, he could rule the planet, and take us with him!"
Ford said this last with fire in his eyes, until Fascarn said, "What do you mean us, Ix old buddy? You have done your job, and if I ever leave this planet, I will surely make room in the boot for you. For now though, I think Bill here and I have much to discuss."
Ford was incensed; this was not at all how he had planned things.
"Now wait a minute," he said, then tried to think of something clever to say after that...

Ford kept on thinking until they kicked him out onto the street.
"Belg**m" sighed Ford.

Bill was not quite sure was going on here, he felt sure that this guy must be some kind of Alien and he wasn't to sure about lizard man either, but this Ford bloke had a way of looking at him that made his eyes water, he wondered if all this business was worth and maybe he should just walk away now, but then Ford whispered to him said to him "listen Bill, we can Hack this together, I can get this Geek of my back and you will have a piece of kit to go away and play with, just pretend your the riches man in the world and tell him you will could maybe arrange the exclusive mineral rights to the Moon, Fascarn has gone into a semi-coma anyway due to his skin change, he'll believe what ever you say at the moment" Bill decided he had nothing to lose(except his life) so went along with this and made his pitch......

As Ford was being dragged out, still trying to thing of an insult strong enough to let these guys know exactly how he felt about being left out of the negotiations, he heard Bill addressing Fascarn.

"Ok, so, here it is. I have been trying to make the world a better place, through technology, but haven’t met with much success. But if I could persuade you to let me in on some of the gadgets I've already seen, I'm sure I could learn as much as I need to become the leader in the field."
"But who are you?" Fascarn asked, "so far nobody has told me who you are or why I should deal with you...."

Anything more that was said was lost to Ford as the doors closed behind him with a satisfied sounding click.
"Remember the moon!" Ford yelled at the door, without knowing if anyone could hear him, but causing a confused look from a lone pedestrian.
Feeling in just the mood for it, Ford sat down on the curb and took out his copy of the Guide, heard the familiar chirps as it opened into operating mode, then adjusted the settings to update mode.
His previous entries since landing on this miserable hunk of rock became immediately available, there not being quite enough to send off to his editor, if it got there at all.

"Earth: Mostly Harmless, but with some uniquely interesting pastimes."
It went on to discuss his time in England, and he smiled at his little joke about Bournemouth; one of the most mind bogglingly dull places he had ever visited. He had played it up as quite exiting, hoping that anyone who read it would visit, find out just how wrong the entry was and seek him out to have a word with him; at least it had seemed like a good idea at the time.

He began to type:
"Tips for aliens in New York:
Land anywhere, Central Park, anywhere. No one will care, or indeed even notice.
Surviving: get a job as a cabdriver immediately." Ford smiled at this, thinking of his encounters with the cabbies. "A cab drivers job is to drive people anywhere they want to go in big yellow machines called taxis..."

Ford finished with his update, and then read it over to check for spelling errors; finding none, he inserted some. If he were to put in a perfect entry it would likely,
1) Put the sub-editors out of a job, and
2) Give his editor-in-chief a heart attack.
He briefly considered attempting to post it, and then decided he couldn't bear the disappointment, so he set about resettling his satchel, when he noticed something missing; there was a space left that was roughly…towel shaped!
He had forgotten to get his towel back from that wretched, peeling, son of a star goat!
He leapt to his feet and began banging on the door.
“Give me back my towel! You’ve got what you want, I did my part!”
He then banged the door in time with his words; Give…me…back…my…towel!

Bill had taken a liking to the towel Fascarn had given him as part of the package with the deal he had agreed, in fact the whole concept of towels appealed him, Fascarn had suggested he had the towel chemicaly analized, the results would open up a new level of understanding of a subject that would later be known as nanotechnology.

Ford banged on the door until his fists throbbed. He yelled at it, he pleaded with it, tried briefly being diplomatic with it, and eventually walked away unanswered.
Not caring where he went he walked for a bit before coming across a dog, in the middle of an act which pretty well summed up his situation at the moment. No towel, no ride, although he may well be rid of Fassie for the moment, so maybe things weren’t all that bad.
“What I need," he told the dog, "is a strong drink and a peer group.”
The dog, as it happened, was tied up outside a very good place to get a drink. He told Ford this, and that he’d see about the peer group as soon as he worked out how to untie himself; unfortunately all Ford heard was a series of barks.
Of course that wasn’t all he could hear, there was music coming from the building next to him; that must be where the owner of the dog was. He’d just nip in and remind the nice lady her dog was still outside. He of course didn’t know it was a woman’s dog, but he was going to remind each one until he found the right one.
As he was walking in he caught the name of the club:
Stavro Muller Alpha

As Ford sat at the bar practising his favorite hobby, getting slammed, Bill happen to come in with some friends to celebrate his new found knowledge. " Hi there Ford, listen I have just got to thank you for putting me in touch with that weird friend of yours, you wouldn't believe the stuff he has given me" through a mild alcholic haze Ford replied "fine, so what does he want from you in return and where is my towel" "Ar, well that was strange, he was going on about exclusive mineral rights when one of his hench-lizards passed him a message, after reading it he just smiled and said 'Bill you can have all this stuff with my compliments, but I would advise you get on with developing this technology while you still have a planet, now I have to leave, oh and if you see Ford tell him to have a good death' then he zapped me with some sort of zap gun and when I woke up he had gone, but anyway at least I saved your towel" Ford took his towel and buried his head in it, this avoid anyone realizing he was sobbing(his tears created a chemical reaction in his towel that would save his live in years to come when he is exposed to a deadly virus with no known antidote except for the one on corner of his towel that he happens to suck) he had no idea why Fassie should decide to leave, but it mean't his chance of hitching a lift had gone.

A bit later Ford was indeed very drunk, and by a strange coincidence, found himself a peer group. Or, at least a group of people gathered around him and listening to him lament his situation. Of course they assumed he was either blind drunk, or barking mad; and in some cases, both.

Ford poured his thoughts across the bar, ignoring his own rules about keeping a low profile. He gathered quite a large crowd, as he starting talking to someone possibly more drunk than him, but not by much.
They laughed in all the wrong places, like while he was chased by the Television Licensing Board, or being locked up after his events on the movie set.
In fact, by the time his tale was winding down, and they all laughed again at Bill’s vision, they mostly looked disbelieving, and he was starting to believe he was not among his peers at all, which made him feel even more dejected and made him order a lot more drinks.

For the first time in his life, Ford decided he needed some sort of plan, a goal, something to aim for. It was apprent he was going to be stuck on the Earth for the time being, so he needed to have a direction with his life instead of just finding different places to get drunk. So he typed a random entry in the guide and decided he would put his whole heart and vigour into any quest that might result.

In order to enjoy life while stuck on a planet you can't get off you must set out to do the following things...............

hehe sorry to interupt but I find this facinatingly funny!
cheers
ford

No, please, jump right in!!!!
it IS your prequel

First, make sure you can identify the local authorities. This will be handy incase:
A) You get in trouble and need to find a policeman in a hurry, or
B) You get in trouble and need to know whom to avoid while making your escape.
Next, you will need to familiarize yourself with the local currancy; in case of emergency, see point one.
Finally, enjoy yourself, see the world, explore the local wildlife.
Once again, in case you get in trouble, see point 1...B.
And make sure you get lots of fresh print for the guide
This last part was turned in by the lawyers, and we are powerless to stop it.

Ford managed to get his guide back into his satchel, and then made a rather roundabout route to the door, but couldn't quite manage to negotiate the stairs and ended up on the pavement where the dog had been. He never did find its owner either, he managed to think in his state of inebreation.
"Go out and enjoy yourself, it says," Ford said as he got to his feet. "Go zark a fardwark and leave it on my bill."
He walked, rather he stumbled through the streets blindly, without any real clear purpose, until he came to the East river; where he decided in a fit of blind drunk reasoning, to have fun. He would take a swim.

so Ford stripped off to his Meg-Y-Hooplars underwear, the only cloths he retained when he came to earth because of their self-cleaning properties, thus he never had to bother about changing his under-crackers.
He hid his cloths and satchel behind a bush a with great vigour leapt into the icy depths. It was only as he was submerging he realized he could not actually swim. Facing certain death, Ford was suprised to be rescued from the river, he was even more suprised as to his rescuer who was.........

"That was one of the most unpleasant experiances of my entire life," said a muchly sobered Ford Prefect. Whether it was the shock of the water, or the unique chemical properties of the river itself, Ford found himself looking at his rescuer with a clear head.
As he tried his best to de-muck himself, Ford was sickly reminded of the amphibious life forms from the Swulling, Noxios and Nausalia systems, which he had come across in his travels. He thought they would particularly enjoy that particular blend of muck.
Before Ford had a chance to thank his rescuer, the mans phone rang.
"hello? Yes Fred, I told you what I want. I dont care if its not for sale, I told you I want it."
"Listen Fred, get me New York," he said.
Ford watched him carefully, hoping for some kind of explanation, but got none.
"Oh, OK," said Mr Hoffman, "it's 541 something. Hold on." He
seemed to search his memory, then spoke another four digits of a number, which Ford assumed was a telephone number.
"Ok, you make the call, then call me back. If they want too much, sign me to another picture or two, that should take care of it."
Dustin Hoffman shut his cell phone then looked at Ford.
"Didn't I order a bagel from you? I never got it, you know."

"listen"said Ford"I need to lay low for a bit, find some sort of job, would you believe I actually pretend to be an out of work actor, I mean what sort of work this that, have you got any ideas" Dustin responded imediately "sure, I can relate to that, that acting business is just a load of burnt baggels, what you need is to get a job a cab driver, I'll arrange it for you, some guy I know owes me, you can drive I take it" "Ye,ye sure, to problem, sounds like it's just for me" so Dustin made another call on his cell phone(which considering it was the early 1970,s must have been a really neat piece of kit)

The yellow cab that pulled up 10 minutes later was fine but Ford was a bit concerned about the driver who........