h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"so exactly what sort of alien do you want me to play and what's that about a song" said Ford as he passed the strange burning paper back to actor whose name it is time to reveal is Hugo "it's a Martian of course, you must have read Wells, and you will be able to sing the war chant as you raise up from the earth in your tripod" Ford could not believe his hears and replied with ridicule "A Martian!!!!! have you humans got any idea what one of them is, there is no way I'll do that part, Belgium Man, Belgium!!!!!"

Ford was sorely tempted to pull out his copy of the guide and show them the entry on the Island of Martial, The inhabitents of which are slow-witted, vicious, slug-brained creatures. They were poised to take control of the Galactic civil-service industry before the Vogons swept through the beurocracy, fresh from the planet Vogsphere and a slightly better choice.
These days the Martians are an isolated group, staying mostly on their Island and jailing anyone who comes within sensor distance of their planet; usually because of the ludicrously high taxes, as well as increasingly incomprehensable tax laws.
"There is no way I'm playing one of those guys, they make Vogons look tame!" Ford insisted
Hugo looked at ford as though a bird were going to pop out of his head on a spring, then brayed his laugh again.
"You are going to fit right in mate!" he said, wiping his eyes, "by the way, can you sing?"

"Of course!"
And so Ford sang a song, which was about a lonely little guy that had lost his planet and had to stay on Earth.
Ford hated it, but he knew no better song.
"Well, you´ll play a Martian, you can even choose which"
"Belgium", he said, but in the end he accepted.

Ford's performance as a Martian was beyond believe, it left the audience quiving into their picnic baskets, he played it as it was, the whole style of impro theatre was changed that night, the greatest surpise was the sex scene that none of the other players was expecting, the impossible positions was hard for the human eye to interpret, as for the singing, this redefined fingers scraped down a blackboard. There was no oncore.

What the guide has to say about "quiving"Quiving although banned in all high cultured parts of the known galaxy, it still takes place in populations of planets where the life forms have not yet reached up the evolutionary ladder to the level of a ship's peanut, although considered rude and frankly quite obscene, quiving has been accepted as means to express total disregard for anybody elses attempt to bring joy and happiness to life in general

As it happened two of the audience members, Gerome Ragni and James Rado, were so impressed with Fords performance that they went to work straight away writing a script. Two weeks later the musical "Hair" swept onto the broadway scene, shocking audiences for 1742 performances and carving a place in musical history.
The other members of the cast were not so keen on Fords performance though.
"Thought he said he could sing", "No wonder he couldn't find work" and other such comments passed Fords ears as they gathered after the show.
Hugo however came up to Ford, beaming. "That was brilliant mate! Of course I'm not sure Kathy will be quite the same, but other than that; where do you get your ideas?"
Ford brushed his praise off lightly saying, "I've just seen more of, um, life than you lot."
This didn't earn him warm looks from his decentors.
Finally one of them stood up, looked at Ford, and said...

"Listern you freak, I've been doing impro for five years now and although I believe you should be creative with your performance your interpretaion of an alien was just absurd, what give you the right to make those kind of assumtions, poor Kathy has locked herself in the loo and refuses to come out, oh now how was it she discribed, you yes 'that wierdo with the tentacles', so what have you got to say for yourself" shaking his head in disbelieve Ford replied "You humans have no idea do you, I mean I only simulated the cranium ploygasim I didn't know she would take it so seriously"
"Look lets move on with this" said Hugo "you have to admit Ford has added a new depth to our performance and anyway you where a bit wierd when you first joined us Lintilla"

"so tomorrow we play Romeo and Juliet, Lintilla you will be Juliet, how are you on romantic liaisons, oh Ford you will be The Apothecary that should be pretty safe"

"Will I be allowed to sing?"
"Noooo!"
"How about..."
"Noooo!"

The performance of Romeo and Juliet went without a hitch....well almost, it was not expected the Apothecary would improvise with a earth version on a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster as the stage prop for the poison, Lintilla's portrail certainly had a realistic tone to it and the projectial vomiting improvision added colour to the final scene.

The audience cheered wildly.
Ford thought:"Hey, they love me, let´s see whether I can win their respect for my act as a martian"
But as soon as he had finished that thought, a shadow suddenly charged at him from the air.
The last thing he heard was:
"In the name of all mind-reading art criticians: Stop your acting!"

Ford took the revues bad, in fact it has been two weeks since his last performance during this time he spent a lot of time testing the various strengths of Real Ale Beers and had come to the conclusion that he would rather drink cow p***. But now he was ready to face the world and maybe look into finding this Arthur fellow that Dirk mentioned(although as we all know, this will take him another five years, but at least he can have some fun nearly meeting him)

He then tripped over a hedgehog.

Chapter 6

When he tripped over the hedgehog Ford went into one of his self induced comas which was helped by smacking his head on the floor, now three weeks later he came too, he look around him and realized that it was not going to be a good day.........

"Zark! Will I ever meet sane guys?"
And Ford´s anger was reasoned, as he seemed to have slept in a lunatic asylum. He then heard a voice:
"Doctor, Doctor! Patient 443,454 is now awake!"

Ford tried to sit up, it was then he discovered he was strapped to the bed "arr, Mr Prefect, nice to have you back with us, I'm Doctor Zomerta and have been assign to your case"

"I´m from another planet!", Ford yelled out, hoping "his case" meant that guy was his friend.
"Which one, my friend?"
"Beteigeuze V, although I was born on Beteigeuze VII... wait a minute! You aren´t believing me!"
"Dear Mr, er, Ford, you should know that we take everything serios anyone tells us in here"
"Belgium!"

"Well actually we have not been able to find any records to where you come from, so it's Belgium is it"

"My good Doctor," said Ford, "and I say good Doctor only to show you that I am trying to be civil here, and not call you an under evolved cretin from a backward dust speck of a world; try to understand this very, very simple concept.
I am from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, six light years away, not from Belgium. I say Belgium now only to show my frustration at the sheer bloody-mindedness of this situation."
Dr. Zomerta looked at Ford for a long time, struck with an incomprehensible feeling of distance. This was because Ford was under great stress, and the Doctor was hit with every inch of the six light years between the Earth and Betelgeuse.
Slowly the Doctor began to think that Ford was right, that he really didn't understand the situation.
That was when...

Everything took a turn for the most peculiar.

A small man in a very uncertain hat burst through the doors of the hospital ward, and introduced himself as Harry. He drew himself up to his full height, and looked the doctor full in the chin. Pointing at the doctor's face, he said...