h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"do you know I have just escape from a straight jacket and a triple padlocked room, don't you think that deserves a round of aplause" Doctor Zomerta just shooks his head with sadness as two beefy nurses came in grapping Harry and dragging him from the room. "Poor guy, he thinks he is Houdini but every time we think his condition is uncontrol he escapes again" Ford looked on perplexed and said "what so of mad house is this"

"Well, it´s not a special kind of mad house. Just a normal one."
"So when will you let me go?"
"Never, of course. We´ll have to cut you up."
"This isn´t a mad house, it´s a mad´s house!"
"Correct"

"You see Mr Prefect, we pride ourselves here at Woodshead to provide the best possiple care for our clients and try to find answers for their problems and someone must think very highly of you as they have paid us rather a lot of money to take care of you"

"That's quite alright," Ford replied, "I can take care of myself, if you follow me." He glanced around the room, trying to get a bearing of his surroundings and locate any of his personal belongings.
"No, Mr. Prefect," Dr. Zometra said blankly, "I don't follow you."
Ford found himself wondering what had happened to his towel and if the Guide would have anything to say on a subject like this.

As a matter of fact, it did:

In the event that you should wake up strapped to a bed in an insane asylum on a primitive world from a three-week coma induced from a fall over a hedgehog, says the Guide, there are several courses of action available to you:
1) Tell the truth. Sadly, being from an alien world, they'll probably lock you in the nearest padded room and immediately dispose of the key.
2) Lie about your origins, stating that you are a native of their planet. This may work better than your first option, however, considering that you've already been admitted to such a hospital, you're not likely to get any farther.
3) Use any psychic capabilities you may have to escape.
4) Offer a bribe/sexual favor/both.
5) Allow them to treat you, as long as they don't use the words 'electroshock' and 'therapy' in the same sentence, paragraph or within a minute of each other, whichever comes first.
6) Threaten to sue for malpractice. Again, this would not help you as much, if at all, since it would require you to be in the same room as a lawyer for more than 5 minutes.

On no account should you try to force your way free.


Sadly, Ford Prefect did not know where his copy of the guide was, and
began to form a plan to force his way free.

It was then he heard stranges sounds coming from the next room which made Doctor Zometra rush out in a panic shouting "No No!!! not again stop him before he......." Ford didn't hear him finish, in fact there was just silence.

(happy new year, folks)
The silence continued for several minutes, and Ford began to grow bored and wonder if he had been forgotten. He felt a little sore about this, as he was starting to work out such a wonderful escape plan. He then decided that since whatever happened seemed to be important enough to leave him unguarded, he ought to take advantage of the situation and try and escape anyway, nuts to the plan.
After managing rather uneventfully to squirm his way out of the restraints holding him down, he cautiously approached the door, instinctively reaching for where his satchel would be, which should have contained his towel which he would have used in self-defense against whatever might be outside his room. Glancing down when his hand didn't open his satchel and remove his towel to wield in a defensive posture, he realized that he would have to find his clothes, as he couldn't very well go into public dressed as a mental patient.
Rather reluctant at entering the hallway towel-less, Ford took a deep breath, and peered carefully around the corner.

It was empty, completely deserted, the door of the next room was hanging from it's hinges, looking into the room Ford noticed there nothing there but a little one eyed old man whom lay in his bed stroking his linen sheets "hi" said Ford

The man remained silent and continued to stroke his sheets as though Ford wasn't even there. After several seconds more of this silence, Ford began wondering what all the yelling had been about and what had become of Dr. Zometra and the orderlies, who were nowhere to be seen.

"excuse"said Ford"but where is everyone" the old man glanced to the corner of the room where for the first time Ford was aware of a strange hidieous man who had seemed to be part of the shadows, he said to Ford"HOW dare you speak to the All Father without permission, you may suffer the same fate of those other cretins who forgot the Linen Sheet Changing Ceremony" but then the old man spoke"Oh do be quiet Toe Rag, please Mr Prefect sit down I have things to tell you" Ford was puzzled by this turn of events but stranger things had happened so why not go with it until he finds his way out of this nut house "OK, fine but how do you know my name" the old man considered this and replied "I am the all knowing"

"All-Knowing, you say?" Ford asked, sitting down on a stool in the corner, hoping to gain some information from the man. "So...You wouldn't happen to know where I could find a fellow named Arthur Dent, would you? Or where my stuff is? I kind of had a towel and...well, i suppose you know that already. So, uh...could you help a guy out here?"

The old man snapped his fingers and Ford's satchel appeared on the floor beside him "Yes you must find the Dent but the time is not right for that at the moment and when you do you must take him with you when it is time to leave the Earth" Ford laughed"Ha! that's easy for you to say, I've been trying to get off this crummy planet for six years what makes you think I ever will and what's so special about this Dent guy anyway" the old man gripped Ford by the arm with a force that did not match his frail body "Listern you fool, you have no idea of what multifutures I can see, it is vital you undertake and fulfill the following tasks that I will now lay before you"

"Well, then, " Ford said, pulling his hand free of the old man's tight grasp, opening his satchel, and finding its usual contents, and his clothes, which had been tightly folded, but were still miraculously unwrinkled, "What kind of tasks are we talking about?" he asked, hoping for something involving some kind of increasingly large party, with an ever-increasing amount of drinks contaning an even larger amount of alcohol, complete with an ever-growing amount of women, whose amount of clothing would be hopefully decreasing exponentially, like the kind of parties his semi-cousin Zaphod Beeblebrox used to throw, the kind that would inevitably leave nearby star systems in a state of economic depression for anywhere from 2 weeks to a staggering 3 years.

"First," the old man said, "I need you to go to a party."
Ford froze in the act of putting on his trousers, and then put them on backwards as he clarified his position. "What?"
"I need you to go to Valhalla and find out what my son is up to. My assistant tells me he has been stirring up trouble, making all kinds of proclamations and decrees; and using my name in what can only be described as an unfriendly manor. I would send Mr. Rag himself, but my son goes into a towering rage at the merest sight of him; he has a bit of a temper, my son does."
Ford, now with right-facing trousers, asked, "And how am I meant to get there? This mad Doctor says he'll cut me up before I leave!"
"There are ways," the old man said, his one eye glinting.
“Ok, supposing you can get me out of here, what am I to do? Did you say Valhalla? Who is this son of yours?”
“His name,” said the old man with perfect seriousness, “is Thor”
Just then a large woman in a white uniform bustled into the room, looking flustered,
“Mr. Odwin, I just heard. Has your linen situation been sorted out? Oh, I told Sister Justine that she must be prompt. I just stepped out for a minute; I hope it has all been sorted out. Who are you?”
This last was aimed directly at Ford

"Well, would you believe I'm from another planet" sister Justine considered this as she started to sort the fresh linen"I would believe anything people want to believe in this place, that's what I'm paid to do" Mr Odwin interupted "you must not fail me in this task, Mr Gently was a great disappointment when I arrange matters for him to sort things, but not matter, Thor has been a bit of Thorn in my side for a number of millenia, your task should decide to except, although the alternative for you if you don't is not very pleasant, will be to upsethim enough so that he leaves this planet, I don't want him around when things "happen" in the future, it is my feeling that you are very good a upsetting life forms even if they are immortal Gods"

Thinking on his feet, Ford answered, "I'm a part of an extremely confidential, top secret branch of your government," briefly flashing his Guide ID card at her face in such a manner so that she would be able to recognize it as an ID card, but not as one belonging to any agency in particular. "This man was suspected to be a part of an...," Ford paused, glancing around and lowering his voice conspiratorally, "part of an extremely dangerous, ah...terrorist group...but I have since discovered that his supposed involvement in this group was unfounded. There is no need for alarm, as long as you keep this an...uh...utmost secret. And...um..I might have to...you know, kill you if you told anyone....Yeah," he finished unconvincingly, thus proving that pretending to be an out-of-work actor was far better than pretending to be an actual actor.

(oops, sorry...you posted while I was typing....is there a way to delete posts off here?)

(hi Jiaxite, don't wory about it, it just means we have split into two different realities, this just adds to the strange mix and direction this prequel takes, so what do we do now)

(actually, it could still make sense as it is now, so I'd say we just continue from here.

"Please ignore Sister justine, she is now no longer aware of your presence or even has any memory of you being here" said Mr Odwin "No my assitant Mr Toe Rag will show you the way to the Great Halls where you must engage your talents, I must stress my son will not take kindly to leaving the Earth, he feels some what personally connected to it, now go or you will be late"
"how do you mean late" asked Ford
"Late, as in the Late Ford Prefect"

Finding this slightly threatening, Ford shouldered his satchel, readying himself to leave. "Well, I, guess this is goodbye," Ford said to Mr. Odwin. Toe Rag approached him, and said, "If you'll follow me, Mr. Prefect." He opened the rooms only window, and, carefully opened it, preceded to dive out. Ford considered this, and found it an odd thing to do on such an undeniably pleasent day. "Go on," Mr. Odwin said, "I ensure you, It's perfectly safe."

Ford, after failing to think of any reason not to jump out the window, tightened his satchel, grabbed his towel tightly, and ran towards the window, leaping through.

As he fell, Ford let out a wild yell: "Yaahoyalaeeeeoyoyoyoolail!" which, roughly translated from Betelguesian, means, "Sweet Zarquon, this is a big building."

Below him, Toe Rag was falling through the air, quite calmy, as if he
wasn't five stories above the ground, but rather sitting comfortably upon it, somewhere beneath a tree in the country, sipping a nice cup of tea and listening to some Mozart.

Ford, however, was more and more of the opinion that his life might be ended quite quickly and messily unless something happened to stop their rather rapid five story descent towards the ground, wishing he was sitting comfortably upon, somewhere in front of a bar, in the city, sipping a nice Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, and listening to some Disaster Area.

He glanced down at Toe Rag, wondering where this would get them, when something caught his eye. Toe Rag appeared to be making some kind of cryptic movements with his hands. A flash of light appeared beneath him, and Toe Rag, Ford and several small surprised birds were pulled inexplicably into it.

(Sorry for the length, I kinda get carried away sometimes.)