h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

OH NO!

Little one has collapsed!

NURSE JUST ARRIVED!!!!!

Prepare the slab.................

*Fiendish laughter, manic rubbing of hands and twirling of comedy moustache*

*NJA wiggles, jiggles and slides____________ across the room to wipe the dust from the Slab*


*husky voiced and purrring*..


Ready Doctor

*Two of Petra Stringfellows finest armoured division Lap Dancers drag little one up and onto the slab and chain him down*

NURSE JUST ARRIVED!

Administer the anaesthetic!!

*A kipper dipped in ether is wapped round Little ones head*

Good! Out like a light.........now...what would my perfect son want the most?

AHA!!

WHIRR ZZZZZZZZZZZZZxxxxxxxxxxxx chuga crimp crimpzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZ
*The handy dandy Cyberdyne T1000 chainsaw whirls in the light, slicing and dicing to perfection*

NURSE JUST ARRIVED!!!!

Hand me the legs...........
CLANG CLANG chompa chompa zzzzzzzuuuuuuuuuppppppppp nail nail nail
And the next one.........
Zannnnnnggggggg clicky clicky kerchunk
and a vowel please Carol...........
Wooooooooma Wooooooooma zup zup zup
Consonant please Carol..........
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee parp parp
A quick screw in here..........and here...........and another right..........there........SPLENDID!

*Little one is whinched upright on the slab and lowered to the floor. Two kittens dipped in Bovril are stuck up his nose to revive him*

ZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM
BLIMY! You are right Nurse - perhaps giving him two extra sets of legs was a bit optimistic, but DAMN can he run! Good job I installed the remote control Anchovy pizza on his head!

Button button lever lever..........THERE

*The whooosing sound gets louder and louder til little one smashes through the wall, and does a power slide and a doughnut before screeching to a halt. Jeremy Clarkson steps out of him and proceeds to give his opinion on whether he would be a good buy..........*

*wakes up and looks in mirror*
what the .....
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
what have you done to me?

*husky voiced and purrring*


Another satisfied customer, Doctor darling

Well, if you must ask - you have been fitted with state of the art 12 litre overhead cam 2000 horespower antiskid lowered suspension (with wet AND dry weather fat tyres)race tuned carbon assisted lightweight all terrain 12 speed variable trim flathead flame resistant 20,000 watts output ex Concorde military spec able-to-leap-tall-buildings-in-a-single-bound kryptonite enhanced telescopic thoroughbred Steve Austin endorsed Flangebuster series 2 racing legs.

4 of them.

And you know the best bit? The Stig test drove you round the track and you murdered Billy Pipers time........didnt beat Steve Coogan, but you DID slaughter Michael Gambons lap time!

*Grins to the watching audience as he sweeps NJA off round the floor in a dizzyingly speeded up version of the Military two step*

aaargh my heart cant take it

*holding up a large (still beating) cloned copy of a T Rex heart*

I can fix that if you want?

*collapes on to the floor*

Oh dear - he does seem to spend a lot of time collapsing doesnt he?

Perhaps we can attach him to a bungee rope nailed to the ceiling - that would stop it! Would also stop him legging it as well!

*falls through a hole in the ceiling*

OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

*looks around*

W w w w where where am i i i ?

*faints*

*NJA grabs the mini- by the tail and nails it to the slab*


*husky voiced and purrring*

Doctor Darling your next patient is ready.



*slaps the with a anaesthetic*

Aha! I do LURVE the smell of mouse flesh in the afternoon - kinda perks a mad Scientist up I find!!

*Looks at the comatose mouse*

Well I do remember a previous op I performed - perhaps we could try it again?

*Whips out the Chainsaw and fires it up*

Now breathe in - this wont hurt a bit..............ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

*2 hours later*
*Stuffs a kitten soaked in Marmite up the Mouse nose to wake it up*

Hello? There you are! What was that? What have I done? Well, I have kinda replaced your brain with that of a Traffic Warden. No really, yes I did. Look, clamping me will not change the facts now will it? The rest? Oh yes.......the rest. Well, I did take out your voicebox and replace it with a foghorn. Why? Well, it will get you noticed far more than that squeeky thing.......Whats that? Yes, there is a downside in that you will break every window for a 500 yard radius...Ermmm...no, whispering will not make any difference, but look at it like this - no-one will ever accuse you of being "As quiet as a mouse" ever again! Ha Ha!!
One other thing........you are German now. Yes, you can change someones nationality without consent. Yes, I am sorry but you will forever more speak like Herr Flick after eight espresso's. In a Foghorn stylee..........kind of............

But look on the bright side - you still look ADORABLE!!!

*Maniacal Laughing rings through the Lab*

*NOTICES MINi*
oh dear
*shakes fist*
ill get you T.B.falsename you total bas...
*begis bodily regeneration returning body to the state it was in at post 3941*
right

*lloks round, spots a piece of paper and a pen lying on a table, scribbles something holding the pen with both paws. Holds up the note saying "why?" *

mini

*hits KOTF on the head with a again*

Doc, this one's recovered

Right!
*gives T.B a nutshot (gonads)*
*grabs mini and the various bits and bobs the doc cut out, puts them all in a plastic bag and dives through the portal to the the ice planet of shabadabadon*
See ya never smeg heads!

*sneaks back into the lab picks top hat up and leaves a small calling card onthe slab that reads "KOTF was here, so there!" and sneaks back out the lab*