h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

IT CAN TALK!!!!!! Only been born minutes ago and it has mastered elementary language as well as sartorial elegance - check out the Top Hat!!

Ahhhhhh my boy........just think what you will be capable of in ten minutes! Do you want to borry Daddy Waddys chainsaw? Do you? Do you??

*Tickles Kipper under the chin*

*frowns and bites blacks hand*

Ohhhhhh naughty baby! Now no more of that or you will be sent up to beddy byes with no teasy weasy!

*Grapples him to the floor and puts a muzzle on*

There! Much better! Are you sure that tou are not a reincarnation of my Deadly Devious Darling Daughter of Doom whose shadow still haunts these threads?? You certainly have the teeth...........

NO MATTER!

BIMBO!!!!!!

*The floorboard creaks open and the new improved Bimbo (My hasnt the Doc been busy...............SHREEEEEK!! climbs out, all five feet tall, blonde, 32KK and 12" heels........she totters towards little one*

There my boy! Dinner time!!!!!
*Leers at the Lurkers*

*mumbles*
let me go, i am a
i am the head of the TIA and ill get my suit dirty

Yew vish to reeve? *The Doc said as several comedy accents collided together*

My Fridges offspring denies its heritage by claiming to be a ?!!!

My Boy! You are one of us and one of us you will be - or my name is NOT Doctor Flangebuster Von Ribbontrop the third!!

*Moustache twirling and with a Roger Moore eyebrow raised in a Jack Nicolson stylee, the Doc Cha Cha Cha's over to his toolkit and has a quick rummage*

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh........nothing like a good rummage on a Tuesday afternoon..........SUPRISE!!

*The Doc grabs little one, plants a family size pizza on his head and firmly nails it into place*

NAIL NAIL NAIL NAIL twang (Sorry) NAIL NAIL NAIL NAIL kerching!

DONE1

Lookin the mirror my boy - do you not see that you belong?

*Bimbo scoops him up and his head vanishes into her cleavage, leaving him gasping for air*

You could be sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy here!

*looks in mirror*
good lord you are mad aren't you

must......resist.......pizza
*pulls out a temeral communicator and presses button*
must.......resist
*falls to knees cluching head screaming in pain*

Now that looks like a tasty pizza, I could do with sampling it for our replicator. Tell you what, if I take a big slice will that halt the mind conversion. Dunno what to do about the nails though, pull 'em out and you'll bleed like a pig. I think that there's some solution back in sick bay that'll disolve 'em in part? Thank heavens for the Dragon DNA otherwise that nutter black would have killed you, so we'd have been stuck in the Universe of lost planets.

*pulls nail out of forehead*
ahhh
*salutes* thanks lets get out of here!

Doh, I said don't pull the nails out yet, now your making a mess with all that blood, unless of course you've got the telekinesis sorted, some Dragons don't get that till it's too late.

*PUTS PLASTER ON*
right lets get back to the ship

*NJA notices the kipper standing in the middle of the surgery floor, wearing Plaster of Paris, which has set solid*


Tsk! The Doctor has left out one of his sculptures again..


*Picks up kipper and swivels, jiggles and slides_____________ to the safe. Placing kipper inside, locking the door*


*husky voiced and purrrring*... Safe until tomorrow..

*YELLS FROM OUT SIDE* STICKING PLASTER!

*notices that im not out side but locked in a safe, which has a safe in it*
bugger! well as long as the weird pizza guy dosent come back ill be fine

*Looks at todays script to see when the car chase starts*

NURSE JUST ARRIVED!!

Well done babe! Putting little one in the safe to keep him safe for safe keeping was a stroke of genius - sorry I was not here, but I had a buy one get one free voucher for Petra Stringfellows latest enterprise, aptly named "Pizza a Go Go". Think Spearmint Rhino crossed with a greasy spoon B&Q and you have the ambience!

Now - to work. Little one .............Hmmmmm.......does not seem to be happy here despite having the homing pizza firmly attached.

*Turns to audience*

Well, it would help him get home if he got lost wouldnt it? Sensible precaution for one so young, surely?

*Back to the script*

Ahem.........where was I? Oh yes........little one. He was lucky to get out of Bimbo's cleavage - I parked a car in there once and never found it again so the boy has chutspa!

I could give him a quick shot or two to speed grow him? Hmmmm....maybe a brain transplant. I have a spare one over there from somebody called Abby Normal - maybe that would make him feel at home. A mind meld perhaps? Naaaa....we would just be invaded by a bunch of outraged Trekkies saying "Ye Canna do it Captain"

What to do? I know! A competition!! What with this being the BBC though, I cannot offer a real prize *winks knowingly at the audience* ........but I can put you on the guest list down at Pizza a Go Go!

So - what SHALL we do with little one? *Puts on the Countdown Clock while he waltzes round the lab with a blow up Carol Vorderman*

*muffled explosion heard from safe then there is a whoosing sound*
*safe explodes and emerges from safe without a pizza on my head, the remians of the safe are filled with dragon head and bits of pizza*
i was only supposed to blow the bl**dy doors off!
*pulls out 83rd century laser blaster*
stay back! i have a weapon and im not afraid to use it!

*The Doc ceases Waltzing as he realises the blow up Carol Vordermann has developed a leak from too much waltzing - she flys up into the air with a loud raspberry noise and wooshes round the room, ever deflating*

Oh Carol! I am but a fool!!
Darling, I love you
tho' you treat me cruel
You hurt me and you made me cry
But if you leave me I will surely die!!

*The Kareoke machine bursts into flames, ending the musical ramblings of the Doc*

Little one!! An 83rd Century laser Blaster! Havent seen one of those in ooohhhhhhhh absolutely ages! Do you have the box? You get a bomb on EvilBay if you do - not just any bomb either, but a nice shiny Quantum phased Throbatronic E bomb - still in the box!!

Let me have a look *Samba's over to little one and takes the gun*

WOW! it ll has all the chrome.......very little wear.....I am guessing one careful lady driver owned it, right? Yup, all the paint is intact, it is a first edition AND - it is the ultra rare british Chad Valley model!! Respect due little one *Hands back the gun*

So - you seem to be passing all the tests, ticking all the boxes, running it up the flag pole and we are definately saluting.

You belong here my boy! You dont know the power of the dark side of the farce - together we could rule the galaxy as Father and Son!

*Little one looks confused at the news*

NO - I can see what you are thinking. You thought that the fridge had an immaculate conception and that is how you were born. WRONG!
In the 18 months I was away, down in the celler with only Marlene Deitreich, 29 goose stepping waitresses, and entire division of Petra Stringfellow's crack armoured Alpine korps Lap Dancers, dear little blow up Carol Vordermann and the fridge.......

*Sobs at the memory*

You had no idea how hard it was! All that beer.......lap dancers......Marlene constantly wailing "I Vant to be alone"......it was hell I tell you!

*Eyes bulging, one that way , the other the other way....sniff*

I tried to resist......honest! She sat in the corner......always available......just the right mix of chilled beverage and Hagan Daz always on offer.......she used to open her door to let me peek before closing it again. THE TEASING MINX!! I had to have her.....and I did. I know, I should be ashamed, a grown mad scientist having rampant relations with a fridge, but she was soooooooooooo good!!

So you see little one..............I am your father!

*Rapturous applause from the gripped audience, the Doc bows low and catches a rose tossed at him*

Thank you! Thank you all!

*totters in in white thigh high stilleto boots and a short skirted nurses uniform clearly made for a less endowed female, first aid kit. grabs kipper and tries to fix the mess with one small band aid*

now, widdo-man... dat bedda? mommy has you now. *looks misty eyed at the Black, who has shown his softer side for the first time since....well.. (glances wistfully at the Slab and reminisces on the long nights spent fiddling with staple guns and carcases till the wee small hours, just the 2 of them)*

my my you have outdone yourself dahlink. *nods in teh direction of Bimbo..*. quite fancy her meself. do you think she would be up for a bit of pillaging in the afternoon?....
she dont talk much does she?

you're all mad and you are all under arest particularliry you captain black

*hits KOTF over the head with a *

Oi you shut it!

you bastar......
*collapes to the floor*