h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*trys to make custard monster*

*The creaking floorboard slowly lifts a little to reveal the Doc's bloodshot eyes pearing out from the secret recreation of a 2nd world war Austrian Bier Keller under the labs floor, where 18 months of thigh slapping in Leiderhosen has taken its toll*

*snigger*...

not sure them leather shorts are your thing doc..

or.. hmmm. maybe if you had a small tattoo... just here... or here.. and when you bend over then, like this.. see? (peers at doc from between knees) it might be amusing. but otherwise i'd go back to the long faux fur coat and red leather jeans.

how have you been sweetie? do you like what we've done with the place?

*Lifts Floorboard again.....the faint strains of Marlene Deitrich wafts out along with the faint rumble of goose stepping waitresses*

*The Doc eyes the Pirate Wench (still bent over)*

Well, I must say it all looks fine and dandy from down here!

*Looks away and bellows down into the Bier Keller*

"Achtung minen froynds - ze Pilsner ish kaputt unt der Sour Kraut iz underdone! Nein, Nein how many times muzt I say it - der gruppen Furher is not for der schtuffing, she is for keeping zer door open!

Gooten Gracious mein pork dumplings - muzt I have to everysing mein self?
*The floorboard falls back down again, and faint thrashing sounds reverberate like a cat in a wind tunnel wearing pop sox being hurled into a vat of porridge*

*The Doc eyes reappear from under the floorbaord, the manic gleam intact*

Now, ZAT'S ze vay you do it!!

yea und zat's de vay uh huh, uh huh i like it uh huh, uh huh..

i dont actually think i can get up. i have been meaning to have a word with you about that little adjustment you did to allow me to wear that leather corset.. when i take it off i find that gravity takes over and i end up mostly bent double, and having to talk to people from between my knees like this. there must be a hinge-lock or something u can apply so that i can stand up now and then.


hmmmm?? sweetie?.

pweety pweeeez? are you ever coming back to work???
i'm up to my eyes in it here.. (same height as ankles but u know what i mean).

*decides to sneak out quietly before any one remembers im here*

*Nails the Kipper to the bench. Then Nurse Just Arrive'd sets her roving eye after the Doc/Cap'n*

*husky voiced and purring*

I am here, darling.. wait for me...


*NJA wiggles and jiggles and slides_________________________ across the floor after her roving eye*

oh fruit loops!

*decides that this is the opportune moment to black-out due to blood loss*

*throws the kipper into the freezer*

*The loose floorboard to the secret underfloor recreated second world war Austrian Bier Keller flies open, swiftly followed by Thunderbird 1, off on yet another perilous rescue mission. The Doc pokes his soot covered head up*

I DO wish they would fix bl**dy Tracy Island and move back in. Honestly!

*Twirling the comedy moustache and mugging shamelessly to the watching audience, he climbs out*

Aha! Pirate Wench!
*Walks over to her, withdrawing his all new handy dandy nuclear powered chainsaw from his Leiderhosen*

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Chunkachunkachunka weeeeeeeezippppp CLANG

fixfixfixfix nailnailnail hammerhammerhammer

Now just a little sellotape here...............and here.........and there........here.........there.........oh yes, some down there......and here. DONE!

CRANKCRANKCRANK
*Pirate Wench is lifted up, he preforms a nifty swifty Heinreich manouvre and CLICK .......Her new multihinge ladybump support gleams in the light from the Bier Keller*

DONE! How does that feel baby? The integral antiwobble inertia dampers will prevent all know sagging, wobbling and general jiggling that makes you fall over. If you DO wish to jiggle, etc, it can be turned off, but I caution against that due to the real risk of whiplash and eyes being poked out.

*Winks at NJA and moonwalks over to her*

Miss me baby?

*NJA retrieves her roving eye and pops it back in*


*Husky voiced and purrrrring*


I see you, darling!



*swivels her wonky hip at him*

*beams with pure unadulterated something or other at the new arrangements and sits demurely on bright red inflatable fireside chair, then tries to get up and finds that the sellotape is now securely attached to both 'down there' and red inflatable fireside chair.. tries to cover that up by beaming some more and making much of Nurse Just arrived's arrival to divert from fact that if she stands up she takes the red inflatable fireside chair with her.*

Darling just arrived. ?

*NJA's roving eye roams over the *


*husky voiced and purrrring*..


I don't mind if I do, darling wench....


*looks at the inflatable fireside chair with envy*

let me out of the freezer!

*Takes lips out of "Snog" mode and into "Speech" mode when he notices a talking fridge*

I say! (In his best Terry Thomas voice)

What Genius invented a talking fridge in my absence?
The last time I tried that all it ever did was insult me - I mean you really don’t need the equivalent of a recalcitrant prepubescent hormonal premenstrual whining fridge going on at you do you!

Worse thing was it ended up really devious - it would move the butter into the ice box, turn the light off when you opened the door and then insult of insults - drink all the damn beer. So NOT only was it a recalcitrant prepubescent hormonal premenstrual whining fridge but was also drunk and abusive!

*kicks door off fridge*
it was horrible in there

*Gasps*

NURSE JUST ARRIVED!!! Did you see that? The fridge .......it.......gave birth!

*Dashes over, picks up the bundle and gives it a cuddle*

*Sniff*

Its the first real birth.........well natural.......birth we have had in the Lab! What shall we call it?

NURSE JUST ARRIVED!!! Boiling water, towels and nappies, toot sweet!

PIRATE WENCH!!! Get that other nurses outfit on and give little one a feed.........better disable the inertia dampers on lady bumps support otherwise the little blighter wont be able to lock on.

Finally..........we are a family!!!

oh be quiet!
*brushes off 20year old yoghurt and straightens top hat*