h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*........and unwittingly straight into the arms of our dearly beloved Bimbo, who, having nipped outside for a quickie with the postman, proceeds to plunge Kipper deep into her Cleavage of Chaos*

Bimbo baby! you're back! Did the Postman deliver? (Fnar Fnar)
Still, enough of the double entendres, it has only just turned 8 in the morning after all. Whats that:
*Bimbo points to her wobbling Cleavage of Doom*

No, thankyou sweetheart - that really is nice of you but the last time I went in there it take 20 posts to find my way out again - and that was only because a wandering band of trapped Gypsies helped me out!
*Bimbo pouts and points to the Cleavage again, but this time using "Charades" signing*

Whats that Bimbo?

Two syllables? First Syllable – sounds like …….*Bimbo points to the top of the slash in her mini skirt* Thigh? Naughty bits? No No No……ummmmmm……..Hip?

*Bimbo smiles that devastating lipsticky red smile*

Aha! First Syllable sounds like hip. Ummmmm…Tip? Dip? Ship? Drip? Phillip? Sip? Pip? Nip? Kip?

*Bimbo smiles that devastating lipsticky red smile again – the same one that has become so well known in the cheaper clubs*

AHA! Kip! Right – second syllable……..sounds like……….*Bimbo points to her ever-so-pricy faux fur coat which on occasion, is all she wears*

KipCoat? *Bimbo Frowns * Oh blimy! Kip…..Kip….KipFur? Kipper?? KIPPER??? You mean to tell me that little one is lost in your cleavage? What a start to the day!!!

*Grins to the camera and rolls his eyes*

doc!
stop i wish to make a deal

no actually
smeg it!
*uses personal teleporter to get the hell out of here*

*The Doc shouts down into the wobbling Cleavage*

Oh, little one! You cant teleport out of there! You have to find the band of wandering Gypsies to help you - you cant miss them really, they should by having brekkie at the motorway services area down there.............Can you hear me?

bother!
oh no here comes the boulder!
*a whip flys out and grabs the light, i fly out swing across the room dressed as indianna jones do a triple bck lip and fly out the windo and teleports away*

Do you want to buy some heather mister?

*enters lab with handy red inflatable fireside chair still attached to ample posterior, hitting sides of things as she goes, because of mechanically engineered perfect wiggle, pateneted by the lovely Doc*

Captain Doc pet, you left the ether on again. tut tut. no wonder everyone is swooning, and there was you thinking it was the extra Brut you shook down your pantaloons this morning. dont think i didnt see ya.

tut tut. who left that portal open. *closes portal with a loud THWACK*.

*makes a big deal and a lot of squeaking noises, getting red inflatable fireside chair detached from white-pvc-nursie-outfit-covered ample posterior, which is promptly sat into by NJA, glass of Bolly still in hand, still in lab apron, covered in bits of fish and marmite, everyone trying to ignore the plaintive deafening fog horn noises coming from the tiny mouse in the corner of the slab, writing tickets at the speed of a court writer on speed*

anyone for pudding?

Ahhhhh Aye Bee, my little (Well not so little in places!) Pirate/Nurse wench

Yes forgive the 'ol smell of Brut - but I find it eases the pain in the old cordwangle at this time of year. I am not getting any younger you know!

*Ohhh yes you are!* (From the audience)

NOW STOP THAT!! It is absolutley NOT Panto season yet. I realise these overblown Hammertime Pantaloons are a tad Panto, but it is too early!

*OHHHHHHHHHHH no it isnt!* (From the clearly drunk audience)

TSK! Now Aye Bee - where is my little German traffic warden Foghorn sounding mouse?

*He's behind you!*

NO HE ISNT!!

*OOOOOOooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes he is!*

This may take some time (foot starts tapping)

*Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh no it wont!*

(Fade to advert break)

oh bother am i back here again.

mini

*runs back innd scoops mini up *
run!
*dives through window as boulder rolls after me*
teleporter the medibay

*Before the Teleporter closes down, the Doc casually throws in a Magnolia Bomb (The last word in rapid interior decorating folks)

*Somewhere far far away, Kipper and Mouse come out the other end with a huge Magnolia bomb 1 second behind them..........Tic Toc Tic To....*

KABBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

*Eight hundred litres of finest Magnolia paint explodes and coats everything in a 300 yard radius..........Foghorn Mouse........Kipper........walls..........ceilings.........it even gets in places that sand cant.............*


Well! Says the Doc Gleefully
That has saved him an absolute FORTUNE in home re-decoration!!
I do hope he is grateful!!

*steps out of the fridge*
oops best use my personal teleporter
*dissapears again*

*The Doc wakes up, stretches, yawns and wonders upstairs for this weeks editions of Innuendo Weekly, Double Entendres for men and Mad Scientist Monthly (with its free gift of a steam driven Custard-Pie-flinging-machine).
Reclines in his Chaise Lounge, Aye B on one side, NJA on the other and catches up on the news while drinking a Mocha Choca Latte double espresso "Grande Size" almond shot with a lemon twist, with a Chocolate croissant for breakfast. Ug, his steadfast butler and driver stands nearby holding a freshly blood stained lab coat for his master*

Well! All SEEMS peacful.......

*Winks at the camera*

*throgh haplles luk i manage to crash my Starbug in to the lab*
Stupid Bl**dy Temporal navigator, does this look like 65th century bristol!

oh no, not again!

*hides under an upturned teacup*

mini

*climbs out of dented Starbug*
what are you doing here mini, you're in the medibay at the TIA!

umm i dunno, just assumed i was withyou still, apparently not.

*wanishes in a puff of logic*

mini

that was weird!

phew theres no-one in
*steals varios tools from the lab and starts repairing the Starbug*

dont you think you should cut that lemon twist out of your morning thing captain??? i can see you getting a bit of a paunch there.

Oh my..!! whats that noise down there hunnysweetiepiedarlin?..
*doc puts down latest copy of innuendo magazine, winks sardonically at the audience (followed by a burst of canned laughter that ends abruptly when a fuse blows somewhere) and peers into pantaloons*

noooooooooo. not down there you eejit. down THERE!
*points at lab area downstairs*
i heard noises
*sound of paintive fog horn suddenly, stands on end. NJA arrived, cool as a cucumber simply lifts a finger languidly and pushes a curl back from her eyes and continues to read her copy of nursie monthly.

Oh. it's little mini, poor thing must be hungry. *runs, benny-hill-girl style down to get mini, and is met by the scene of kipper, fins akimbo, mending something mechanical *mens stuff* in the corner.

what have you done with mini? you... you... low down dirty fish you.. *fixes kipperonthefloor with her absolute crossest look*