h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

that was hair. hair stands on end. not fog horn. dont moderate me. i'm only a poor old woman me legs are old me eyes are weak me knees are crossed........

ive un genetically modified mini

by the way this http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/5694/starbug.gif is what im repairing and i am not a fish, i am a dragon!

Fish, Dragon, what's the difference, they're both scaley and start to smell funny if you leave them out in the sun.

*throws a large spanner at T.B's head*

*ducks*

Quack!

retrives spanner and continues work on the Starbug*
are you going to help or are you just going to take the mickey?

Yes.

*The Doc peers through this Sneakyscope at the scene downstairs in his loft. Up to this point, it has only been used to spy on Aye B and NJA as they tried on each others Anne Summers outfits, but you really didnt need to know that.....*

MEANWHILE

The Doc ponders. Which generally speaking is normally ok, but happens to be illegal in at least 37 American states nowadays(Especially all the Southern States on a Thursday)
The Doc stops pondering before he breaks it. Whaich he has on several occasions before, but being a genius Maniac Mad Doctor AND a dab hand with an awful lot of very sharp mechanised slicing devices (Some patented, some not)he cares not a jot.

Hhhmmmmmmmmm

GET THAT HMMMMMMMMMMMM OUT OF HERE he roars to nobody in particular.

He wanders over to his wardrobe, keen to find an outfit that will both fill his victim full of fear, but equally not look out of place on the runway in Milan. Jimmy Choo's? Maybe. Agent Provocateur? Normally weekends only. Hhhmmmmmmmm

I SAID GET THAT HHHMMMMMMMMMM OUT OF HERE!!!!

*One Hmmmmm bodily thrown out of the loft window later*

SUDDENLY! YES!!! There you are.............oh, so long unused.......will they still work?
*He flicks a switch*

and waits......


nothing


still nothing



a faint whirring...........

changes to a light buzz.........




and ........




then......................


BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww

*A dazzling light show emenates from the wardrobe, and a deep bass humm fills the room. The doc steps forward into the light and pulls them on...........the hum ceases*

MEANWHILE DOWNSTAIRS

A hidden hatch drops open in the ceiling......and bathed in a soft wave of rainbow light, the Doc slowly descends to the floor and deftly two steps into position for best camera coverage.

RIGHT YOU LOT!

*The Doc stands there - resplendant in all his mad glory. bathed in rainbow light emanating from.............can it be?

YES!!!!!!!!!!

The Pants Of Thrall are Soooooooooo Back!!

*Wild applause from audience remembering former posts with equally daft outmatched duels in the past*

Right thats the Starbug all fixed,
oh its, oh

*NJA, husky voiced and purrring*

OOooOOOoh! They are thralling, Doctor!

*runs to the boarding steps of Starbug, climbs up the and attempts to open the door*

*A low hum ensues, and the light brightens, sweeping the lab with rainbow colours.........and the Docs "Pants Of Thrall" move with an unearthly vibrance*

What would Dale Winton give for the these!!

*The light lifts kipper.......and moves him round the room, oooohhhhh, quite high really. Depends of you are measuring in old money or new I suppose. Old money would say at least 12 feet off the floor, new money........oooooohhh 4 metres ish......might be a bushel or a chain, but either way it is flippin high off the floor*

*The audience goes oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

*Kipper moves round the room, helpless.......until.............

SPPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT

Docs free gift Custard Pie Flinging Machine flans him with a barrage of Key Lime Pie (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yummy)

Now son, we could go through this post after post, and being my illegitamate son of a forbidden relationship between me and a fridge called Shirly - well, you get the picture. Come join the family son!!

*befor the doc dose all that i manage to board Starbug theresult in the doc moving Starbug across the room and covering it in pie*
HEY i just payed for this!

Spookily, at that precise moment, there is a ring at the door.....

DING DONG!!!!

UG wanders over. knuckles dragging

YEEESSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?

(He really does need to master English. I'd settle for Serbo Croat, but jeez)

Oh Hello *Comes a girly female voice*

Why is that lttle thing covered in Key Lime Pie??

*Two dozen Dallas Cowboy cheeleaders swarm in from a broken down coach and start to lick off the Key Lime Pie - which I am reliably informed is their staple diet*

What are the chance of that happening?

anything else to say doc?

Meanwhile mini is confused as to her wherabouts and so decides to reappear in the mad lab.

mini

*Sweeps up the , puts it between two slices for wholemeal, dresses it with pesto mayo, lettuce and a slice of tomato, and eats it in one.*

No - not really! Nothing much else to say?

Were the Cheerleaders good?

They certainly know how to lick off every scrap of Key Lime!!

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT

Oh blimy, sorry kipper - didnt know there was still one in the chamber.

*The Dallas Cowboy Cheeleaders descend on Kipper again as one*

Might try that myself!!

*Grins with a Roger Moore eyebrow raised to the audience*

right
*pushes button and robotic arm flys out of Starbug*
*audiance screams*
this'll hurt you more than me
*robotic arm straps the doc to the slab and knocks him out,it then procedes to prepare for surgery*
wadda ya think audicen serury or stomach pump?
*audiance yells "seurgery*
*robot arm cuts doc open and removes the contents of his stomach, and stiches him back up placing the stiches so they read "KOTF was here, so there, the arm scoops mini up and steals some medical equiptment*
all done! powering up
*Starbug races off making a roaring whosh*

Wake up Doc!!

Whhhaaaaaaaaaaa?

*Aye B and NJA both lean over the Doc*

You were Dreaming Doc!

*Looks at Audience*

Well - did you really think it only happened in Dallas??

* Huge Grin *

Well my enormously well endowed assistants - could you care to explain to me how come I am still kitted out in my Pants Of Thrall??

And why does my breath smell of Mouse??