h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM SMASH CRASH BANG WALLOP!!!!!!!!

AHA!

*The Doc smashes through yet another wall (his 327th in the Madlab)on his thermo nuclear turbo charged twin exhaust souped up oxy acetalyne powered Planet Disco sneakers with optional faux tiger skin steering wheel, dangling dice and a nice green sunstrip with "Doc" and "Eye Bee" picked out in early 1970's white type*

*He opens the door and it falls off*

SMASH!

*Stides out into the Dusty Lab with his reconditioned and newly refurbished Pants Of Thrall in full view, slaps his thigh Panto Stylee, assumes a heroic "Marvel" type superhero pose while tossing his magnificent mane of hair back..........which mysteriously gets tossed back at him*

Well, this place IS a sight isnt it!

BIMBO???

NURSE JUST ARRIVED?????

EYE BEE???????????????

PETRA STRINGFELLOWS AMAZING ARMOUR PLATED SYNCHRONISED LAP DANCING TEAM???????????????????????????????????????????????

I have presents!

*Brings out a fistfull of Tour T-shirts from the latest Plaque Eyed Bee's concert, modified with optional weapons arrays and deep plunging necklines*

*Ug,(The docs prehistoric manservant who came back with him from the frozen wastes north of Watford) blinks an eye open and shakes off seven months of dust, bat droppings, droppings, take away carrier bags, suspender belts, onion bhaji's, those green pickles that you hate in take away burgers and piles of fanmail that had been shoved through the letter box*

UUGGGGG!! *He shouts*

Yes, UGG to you as well old boy! *Says the Doc*

Shall we have some fun????

*Lears at camera, rolls his eyes (which get rolled back to him) and raises one eyebrow in the time honoured Roger Moore stylee*

*Rolls eyes*

Greetings! Are you mad?

*Rolls them back*

Madder than ever

*Bows low with sweeping and flamboyant arm gestures*

Well, Baby! Are YOU in the right place!!

*Grabs Kipper and throws it out*

Sorry! I lied!! Why do you think we all left for seven months!!

AHA!

*From Out side*
This Sucks!

*The Doc climbs back onto (now doorless) thermo nuclear turbo charged twin exhaust souped up oxy acetalyne powered Planet Disco sneakers with optional faux tiger skin steering wheel, dangling dice and a nice green sunstrip with "Doc" and "Eye Bee" picked out in early 1970's white type - enages gear and roars back out of the Lab to leave the Kipper thing to ponder his message*

MEANWHILE.................a trapdoor uses a prerecorded sound FX of a trapdoor slowly creaking open in the Lab Floor........

SSSSSSSMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

*The Doc smashes back through the wall in a 1930's burlesque version of a Spiderman outfit, smashing bricks, mortor and all over the floor*

AHA!

*Looks around*

Now THIS is more like it! Home sweet home.....

*Hears prerecorded trapdoor using prerecorded BBC radiophonic workshop sound FX of a creaky trapdoor opening*

*The Doc looks over as it slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooly opens and he raises a quizical eyebrow to the lurkers as he twiddles his pantomime moustache furiously*

*aye bee strolls past the lab window dressed in an impossibly tight white rubber nurses outfit, (matching fluffy white mules) with the word 'nurse' crossed out in lipstick, and 'mavis' written instead. goodness knows why... linking arms with a taller older woman in an army uniform with an eye patch and a cigar, and platformed patent red leather thigh boots....... glances in, and squeals with delight, runs in the door,clasps the captiain to her buzum*

captain blackie darlin.. mwwwwahhh mwaaaaahhh

where on earth have u been!!!!

*considers this for a minute, decides she's not so happy to see him and THWACKS him twice, knocking his moustache askew*

do you realise what i've been through while you have been away, galavanting!.

*smiles a bit coyly*

well till i met mavis.. have u met mavis?

*mavis strides in, puts down the tin of pilchards she was carrying, and thrusts out a hairy hand to be shaken..*

Aha! Eye Bee Dammed Eye Bee!
*The Doc flips a quarter into the air that lands with uncanny ease into the slot of his Trusty Rusty and VERY Dusty 1950's jukebox - Track E12 flips down, the needle drops and.........*

Pft Pft Pft Pft Pft (Dont you just hate dust on Vinyl?)

before breaking into Lou Reeds "Take a Walk on the Wild Side"

Ahh Mavis! A song that was made just for you!

*Skates over to Mavis, takes her by the hand and dances a very speeded up version of the Fandango*

*mavis grabs pilchards on the way past the table, opens them with her teeth and empties them down her neck,whereupon a strange metamorphosis occurs, she turns into a giant orange mermaid, making dancing with a skating doctor all the more tricky.. Aye bee tuts and rolls her eyes, (doc rolls them back courteously) *

doc. darrrling.. is the slab in the lab still operational?
this mermaid trickery is just about getting my goat now. she did it in tescos last week, and i had to pay for the pilchards, and for the rebuilding of the tinned fish stand after she had taken the bottom can from the display!!! i mean, really!

surely there's something u can do to regulate her metamorphosizing at the drop of a hat. and when she changes back.....well. it's such a mess..

*mavis glares at aye bee, and simpers at the doc*

*On hearing the word "Slab", the Doc immediatley diengages "Dance" mode and screeches to a halt - which is just as well, as his interpretation of the Waltz crossed with Acid House body popping would never have impressed the Judges on Strictly Come Dancing*

Slab?

SLAB you say! *A manic grin crosses his face - yes, a bit like that - and the pantomime moustache spins frenzidly up to take off power*

NURSE JUST ARRIVED!!!

Dust down the slab for me would you - and while you are at it, could you scrape the rust off my tools please? Whats that? Which ones?? WHICH ONES?????
Very well.... we will be needing my Trusty Rusty Lusty Musty blood staned Chainsaw (natch), a number three Phillips screwdriver, the welding kit, nailfile, a 1969 Cortina sump plug extractor, some assorted grommits, rawlplugs, hand saw A six teeth per inch handsaw, fretsaw flooring saw, tenon saw, padsaw, bowsaw, a skew back coping saw, logsaw and a two man Crosscut saw. I think we could also use a Billhook, switchblade, bolt cutter, grater (for the Parmesan) , Pipe cutter, 3 widgets, planer, shaper, tape measure, mallet, crimping pliers, heated glue gun, an Uzi 9mm automatic machine gun…….Whats that? Ammo?? Yes, I suppose we might need oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh 3 clips - not make that 4. We have to be sure, don’t we?
Locking pliers, head clamp, knee clamp, soldering iron, a Turbo 9000 overhead cam anniversary and limited edition okey dokey quick draw nuke them from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure sander.
No, Black and Decker will NOT do, it has to be a Turbo 9000 overhead cam anniversary and limited edition okey dokey quick draw nuke them from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure sander in Black, not that bloody orange colour. Errmmmmmmm, that takes care of the nose job, but we will still need a copy of Mrs Mills Party Party! Album – VINYL, not 8 track – some Camembert, pickled onions, Piccalilli, a Garrard SP25 magnetic cartridge turntable, a 3/8 allen key, a tub of Vic, a porous speedy brace, a copy of Debbie Does Dallas – the directors cut, swiss armay knife with that thingy for getting boy scouts out of horses hoofs, a garden fork, three tins of creosote and a wind tunnel.
Got all that?

Oh, almost forgot *Raises a quizzical Roger Moore eyebrow to the lurkers* my bloodstained operating outfit……..Muuhuuahha!

Grabs Mavis's hairy hand and leers…………this wont hurt a bit!
NURSE JUST ARRIVED!!

Are the anaesthetic kippers ready? GOOD! Lets go to work………

*NJA swivels, jiggles and slides ________________ and eventually arrives with the anaesthetic kipper*

*husky voiced and purrrring*

I am ready when you are, Doctor darling

Nursey! Good to have you back onboard - and I must say, that new rubber slashed to the thigh off the shoulder zip up the front rouched at the back tie at the sides weighing less than 1 ounce banned as a weapon of mass distraction plunging neckline backless topless Mother Superior on a hot date I'm a big tease take me take me Nursey outfit is REALLY pushing my buttons!

* Grabs NJA, puts a between his teeth and sweeps her round the room before giving her a big
Blimy! I dont know what is holding that dress on, but RRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

*Eyes the , grasps it firmly by the tail and thwacks the patient to sleep*

THWACK!

SPLENDID!
Nursey dearest? Care to tie it up please? I know who much you like tying things up
Eye Bee? I'm gasping - a bucket of Mudslide would be great, thanks

Where was I? Oh yes. SPLAT!
Ohh Nursey? The ummmmm "Patient" here needs to be on his back?


......and the RIGHT way up please? *Raises eyebrows to lurkers*
Huumpph...twiddle twiddle knot knot knot....

Ah Ha!
Now my assistants - What shall we do first, hmmm?

*Snaps on the rubber gloves and hovers over a set of surgical instruments, a banjo and assorted nuts and bolts......

Evil Assisitants! We are about to examine the inside of his head, twiddle with his Jeans (Opps, sorry - "Genes") ratio, increase the output ratio, decrease the re-animation rates, install the latest Linux operating system, give him Banjo lessons, a body that Kelly Brooke would DIE for AND give him an irrational fear of plums. Mavis? Sign here to agree please!

Thankyou!

EYE BEE???!!! What does a mad Doctor have to do round here to get a gallon of Pina Colada?

Right - everyone ready? *Unwraps two large wobbling piles of silicone*
The other two are on the way, we can add those to the back to stop you falling over.
*Plays Foggy Mountian Breakdown on the Banjo - Everybody gets a and bops*

ENOUGH! Right - Nursey! The screens!
Pass me the chainsaw please..........zzzzzzzzzzzzwhzzzzzzupzupzupzupsplod
screwdriver.... (Zoink)
Wrench.... (Grunge Grunge Grunge)
Plumbers Mate....(Squeeeeeeze)
Suction please - and not the vax this time, ok?
Suck Suck Suck Suck Suck Suck
GOOD!
Hot Glue Gun...( pst pst pst psttttttttt Pst Pst Pst)
Grater......(Zigga Zigga Zigga)
Stapler......(SNAP SNAP SNAP)
Get that cat out of here......
6 inch heel Jimmy Choo’s………click click click click
Welding Torch…..

MAVIS! Wipe the sweat away - I thankyou!

WE ARE DONE!! *Sound of a zip and killer heels being done up*
Behold - I have created a Manwo…………or something sort of, but hey, who’s counting!

*NJA, swivels, jiggles and slides________________ around the slab*

*husky voiced and purring*


Wonderful, Doctor darling . A perfect creation in your divine image!


*pops her false eye back in*

erm..... *aye bee counts mentally, all the things lined up on the table beside the slab, whilst pointing a finger at each one and saying mmm mmm *
far be it for me to interject, but dont you also need these???

*holds up a plastic bag, containing a pink spatula, a turkey baster, a cactus, a small piece of date and walnut toffee, a rock from the volcanic crater on lanzerote (with 'my granny went to lanzerote and this is all she brought me back' printed on a sticker underneath it) and 4 marbles (3 ordinary ones, and one an opal coloured 'chineser' won in the 5th class marble final of 1974)*

and .. doc darlin, dont change her too much will you? i really only wanted the fishiness to stop. the other parts i quite like. .. oh.. maybe a 3rd arm, and a small cubby hole.. maybe **here?** to put trinkets in...

*stands by, looking vacant*

*there is crash in the lab*

*staggers back across the floor with the mop bucket, filled to the brim with pina colada and a mop, with tinsel on top, as a swizzle stick*