h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Never met her

Elusive isn't she!

*NJA, husky voiced and purring*

... You can say that again

Hang on a minute!

*turns round*


*turns round again*


*gets dizzy and falls over*

You missed the chair!

*crawls over to chair and sits in it*

*trys to stop room spinning*

Maybe if I spun the other way that would help?

*NJA awaits the outcome*

*spins round other way and collapses in chair*


Nope, just made it worse

*husky voiced and purring*

Dry heave to the left...

... Projectile vomit to the right

That's not helping!

*with a creaking noise reminiscent of the creaking door on "Thriller" but a whole semi octave lower and a with an evil resonance more like Posh Spice singing with her head in a vice and her feet being eaten by bird eating spiders, the olde oake coffin lid slowly raises..................and a face, repugnant and covered in 25 year old Mr Kipling rancid jam tarts sliding down the taut stretched parchment like skin rises slowly........................slowly......
so




s l o w l y

.......the peanut brittle covered teeth contorted into a rictus "Joker" like face, but having more in common with Lena Zavaroni in her heyday after a fast lane birthday party with Iggy Pop indulging in all kinds popcorn snorting fun......the horror of ITS hands rising, nails far longer than they had any right to be and leaving Barbera Cartland to shame......scraping the vile muck from its gaping maw......until..........................until.......*

NURSE JUST ARRIVED! BABY!

Did ya miss me?

*The Doc springs from his slumberland with memory foam double coffin with Bimbo in tow*

Hereeeeeeeees Johnny!

*shakes herself down*

*The trusty dusty and rather rusty Doc spins round, eyes up Nicki the newcomer, ambles over, raises a quizical eyebrow to the audience, smoothes down his hair with the vintage Brillcreem, trims his eyebrows, brushes his teeth, shines his shoes, tosses a at Bimbo (SSSSSSHHHHRRRRRIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!) puts on his best smoking jacket and Terry Thomas voice and says "Well Well........hellooooooooooooooooo........"

*Casually puts a hand inside his jacket, pulls the pin out of his expolding cravat and with a cheesy smile, blows his head off*

KAAAAAABBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!

*The laydeez always like that introduction, keeps it light but brutally spectacular*

*Aside*
Yes folks! New for Christmas! K-Tel Exploding-o-matic Cravats REALLY make that office party go with a bang!Dont want yet another boring christmas party where everyone always ends up chatting up Doris the canteen lady, just to get a bigger portion (fnar Fnar) of Spotted Dick
(OO errr!)? HAVE FUN instead!! Party packs of K-Tel Exploding-o-matic Cravats in all those seasonal colours are just the thing to make your head swing! Just £9.99 for a family six pack, discounts for bulk orders and do remember that this being the BBC, there are other exploding cravat manufacturers available.

Who you calling a new comer?!

*Ug, the Doc's faithful neanderthal butler and well known knuckle dragger, picks up the bits of the Docs head and attempts to repair it, finally sellotaping the mess back onto his body*

UG UG UG!!

Yes, indeed Ug, good work indeed, well done. Just one TINY observation though if I may? Humans - well the ones in this particular time space conundrum anyway, normally use their MOUTH to ennunciate, and NOT their flappy ear parts.

UGUGUGUGUGUGUGUGUGUGUGUGUG!!!!

Apology accepted my boy - just dont do it again!

Now - Nicki! Of course, not a newcomer but just long time no see. I see the Pizza we nailed to your head as somehow fallen off. Could we fit you for a new one? Thin and crispy base or traditional my dear?

Traditional please but hold the topping. It does mess up the hair somewhat.

*With Beady eyes akimbo*
NURSE JUST ARRIVED???
Would you please bring out my latest warp drive Pizza implanter version 27, with hybrid Wah Wah, hyperbolic curve correction, Dolby THX, 20 channel surround pineapple and cheese on sticks, 28 valve 2 horsepower thrunge assisted K Tel O-matic pepperoni grinding salad assisted all you can eat Ice cream factory with choc o late chips PLUS free all-you-can-eat Eel and Mash pie frittata avec pain-o-rama with chips Pizza Pie flinging doobry?

GOOD!

Now hold still Nicki, this wont hurt...........much.....unless I accidently touch this switch here.......

What?

No, not THAT switch, THIS switch.............oooops

KKEEERRRRRRRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh dear

Erm.......

You were after a Brazillian, wern't you?

No?

Ohhhh.............Bl**dy machine.......just going to read the manual again......hold on........

OOh, err......


Can I change my mind on the whole pizza front?

*With manic grin*
NOPE!

Too late!!

*Flicks the switch*

SHHHOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMchugachugachugachuga....wheeeeeeeeeeeeee SPLAT!

Ohhhhhhhh, good shot if I say so myself! Slighty off on the left hand side, but pleasingly reminisent of the world war 2 Beret look.

The Pepperoni stud earings go with it all AWFULLY well!