h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*pulls a lever*

cue a long drawn out creaking noise...........
a new and so far unknown cupboard door opens in a dusty corner of the lab....everyone goes over to investigate.....

"why it a huge dark cave" exclaims flakey...
"theres no steps down though" replied aye bee, "and it seems very deep " drops an old drop strap she happens to have in her pocket, and they don't hear it land for ages..."blimey thats some drop"

"but we have to see where it goes" pleaded nicky newly awakened and ready for some action...." i'm sure you have some climbing gear stashed in one of these cupboards doc?"

"well eerrr yessss, but i don't think it wise to explore, i can't remember now.. too much tea i'm afraid, but something tells me this is ONE cupbard that should remain closed...don't want to be a party pooper or anything....er ahem" coughs

what is the secret of the new cupboard...and why is the doc uneasy about it...should the intrepid crew of the lab go forth and explore its depths and hidden secrets... and will they break their stupid necks trying.....

please let us go look doc

it cant be that bad


or can it?

sorry doc you're out voted... course if you are scared you can stay up here...but we girlys are all game aren't we???

oh yes very game sighed the doctor...very well lets get started...first i have to go over health and safety with you all... show you how to strap yourselves up and i will demonstrate the kiss of life to each in turn....wicked smirk on docs face...


later they are almost ready to descend...."funny that" said flakey with a puzzled look... "never head of using tongues in the kiss of life before".....

the doctor is going over final checks......
hard hats on...check. helmet torches on....check. all strapped up...check. and down you go girls.. i'll be directly after you...

hmmmmm
*a wary look crosses her face.... something in her distant past comes back to her.. like a memory that has been partly wiped, but snitches still remain......(yes snitches, look it up).. *

i think i've left my lippy in the cupboard...
you lot go on.. me and the doc will follow you later..


*gives the doc the 'dont you dare defy me aye bee stare of death' and motions with her head towards the cupboard*

doc baby......need a quick word..

*Twirls his pantomime moustache furiously, mugs to camera and follows eye be's succulently bouncing bottom cupboardwards*

*gets into cupboard, pulls doc in and closes and bolts door

looks around, counts the usual 5 pairs of eyes lurking down the back and lets out a long sigh*

well
whats going on?
are they ever coming back if they go down there??? what is in that deep dark hole??
remember the time we went in that other place?? the ikky goo and the val dounican torture chamber...... please. please not again


**there's a loud crunching clanking noise in the lab.. doc quickly opens the door to find Prince vending machine Edward throwing up a selection of nuts, bolts, cadburys snacks and 14 staplers.... he looks a little surprised, and then sits back down to watch the end of the repeat of his mother's speech from christmas day 1974..
Aye bee shakes the doc.... come on.... concentrate.. tell me tell me... what's gonna happen down there?

suddenly we hear a loud commotion from the lab...aye bee and the doc speed out to find out whats going on...

we heard a horible moaning from down there, really gruesome.. maybe not human...said flakey all white and shakey... [a shakey flakey]

all look to the doc looking distinctly guilty.... shrugs his shoulders.. i assure you dear ladies i am as in the dark as you all are....

comes the gruesome moaning again...but wait says nicky leaning far into the darkness.... whos there? anyone in trouble?
we can hear a faint voice ,old as time.. who are you?

we are the discarded ex asistants of the man called the doctor... once we grow old he has no use for us anymore....

horror on all faces.. but how many of you are there?? shouts flakey

last count about 150 of us, [hear an electronic bark] oh and K9 is down here too!!!

YOU BLUEBEARD snaps aye bee to the doctor...

bbbut girls honestly how can i help it if i live forever, EVERY doctor needs his err assistants... and anyway have you seen the costs of retirement homes...ahem... cough.

.......also girls, dont forget the Alien Sooty that we created about oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh.....loads of posts back. Extendable jaws, worcestershire sauce for blood and an uncanny knack of looking dead cute while biting your head off!

*Freeze frame for dramatic music*

*Everyone looks round to see where the music came from*

can it be?
can it really?

*looks paniced*

it is isnt it doc? its.........................................................................................................






































ALIEN SOOTY!!!















what are we going to do?

Alien Sooty? My lost love child from a drunken affair with person or persons unknown at the last morticians ball who also has the ability to morph into other forms and take the place of persons or persons yet unknown?

Baby, come to Mummy, now where have you been young lady and what time of the day do you call this, I don't know you sweat blood for them and this is the thanks you get.....

"Wanders off mumbling into the dark recesses of the lab"

*turns at the sound of the voice of dai.....*

HUH!! ...look wot cat dragged in... i see your taste in clothes hasn't changed.. .
nice...erm... *looks him up and down* what are those???

*dai appears to be dressed in purple leather hotpants with braces, over his usual all in one long johns and black lycra halterneck top...with biker boots....

someone emerges from the trapdoor, dripping tomato soup and grinning .... everyone peers at the seemingly familiar face.. Flakey gets out the power hose and blasts him up against the wall of the lab to clean him up a bit...*

good lord.. hahaha.. wouldya look who tis...

why its matthew corbet... dear old hand up the rectum of alien sooty.. still got that inane smile on his face

wheres that naughty bear? my right hand just doesn't know what to do with its self!!!

cue all labites with raised eyebrows and satirical utterances on the tips of their tongues.

shriek of horror from alien sooty and a blur as he makes his escape

well i've never understood that bear.. now sue shes more than happy to be a hand puppet!!!

A5889261

Vote Clive and Ralph for a Glorious Thingite Revolution.

*The Doc drops to one knee, head lowered in front of Sir Clive, head of the Thingites and all things insane*

My Leige! Here in my Lab, I am honoured!

Be assured that all four of the current Labbites and the millions of Lurkers (yes, thats you) will serve your honourable and holy war to win this here election.

Want me to nail Pizzas to the heads of thine enemies sire?
We can assimilate them very easily!

PETRA STRINGFELLOW!

Muster your trusty Lap Dancing Armoured Division - we have work to do.

DAI!

Cage the Alien Sooty - we may well have to let him loose in our masters enemies election camps!

oooo. he's nice

AYEBEE!

Stop playing with those right now - there maybe children watching.

SIR CLIVE!

I apologise AyeBee getting those out this early in the day - she is - well - quite forthright when she fancies someone sir!

*peers round corner* Oh HUUUUUUUUUUUUBBYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

*Spins round to see his Wifey dressed to thrill in a black catsuit, killer heels and leg lagging, holding some kind of evil weapon in her well manicured hands*

BABY! You came back - and not a moment too soon. We have a bit of a crisis on - Sir Clive needs us to eliminate competition in the upcoming Presidential elections and I just brought back experiment 101 that escaped into the real world where it ended up posting total rubbish and scaring women children and the wildlife.

But in the meanwhile.......*Skates over to EMB and dips her over, giving her a big*

Welcome back baby!

Experiment 101.

Big for his age, isn't he?