h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

no need there doc....pulls open cardigan to reveal impressive display of contraceptive devises....ALWAYS prepared is my motto, [over emphasised theatrical wink to the doc.]

THEY are contraceptive advices?? Au contraire, I thought they would always positively ENCOURAGE conception??

*Huge Double Entendre wink and smirk to watching millions*

*sidles up to the very macho kev....everyone groans.. oh ffs. here we go..*

you wanna see my cupboard big boy?

if you go in that cupboard with aye bee we can hook you up to the acme patent body reading/response machine to keep an eye on your vital signs.. "yes and aye bee will have an eye on your vitals too kev "....much evil smirking and diabolical behaviour....truly wenches out of all control

he survived the 4 weeks mcdonald torture... but can he survive the cupboard with aye bee......dun dun duuunnn [horror type music]

*stops on the way to cupboard to get can o fanta from Prince Vending Machine Edward.. inserts pound coin..... into correct slot..glances balefully at Dai........ kerching!!!
out pops a cream egg, 2 sliced pans and a spotted dick*

hmmm

*looks up questioningly at an embarassed PVME who shrugs and titters nervously*

doc.. this wont do
the sell by on this spotted dick was yesterday
it's just not good enough

c'mon Kev.. (who glances round for help, everyone begins to clear their throats and suddenly have something they need to inspect on the sleeves of their cardigans all of a sudden........cardigans?? flakey?? what's goin on)

flakey goes over to vending machine and presses the button that says cardigans.....after a moments winding and whirring noises comes a commentary out of a previously unseen speaker....

"the cardigan has immense importance in the history of mankind although not reported on as often as it should.. it is well known that queen victoria was very partial to her favourite cardi....even queen elizabeth is a devotee and when asked for a cardigan.. some fool bought her a cardigan corgi instead [corgi from cardiganshire]so not to lose face she adopted corgis instead.. and they keep her feet lovely and warm, and also bite philip when one has an argument...."

ohhh, said flakey drawing her faithful cardi closer around herself.. i'm a fashion icon after all...close up on flakeys face all dreamy and wide smiles....[lipstick on teeth]

the music from the archers comes over the tannoy.....
everyone puts their head to one side and,staring off into the distance begin to hum the theme to themselves....

of course it comes to an abrupt stop like all things in the lab.. the thing on the wall starts up and everyone clears their throat and talks in deep voices about rugby and the price of a tonne of gravel.. goodness me never thought it would be that expensive...

the ships bell rings, not for the first time outside the door of the cupboard.. everone shakes their heads and winces


poor kev.. poor kev..

several emminent mc donalds corporate bodies becoming very excited about kevs predicament.....pay back time........

but whats that commotion????? good god its zeek and he seems to have recovered most of his bodily functions again....he staggers over to kev grabs hold of him and whisks him off into the transporter unit... well at least he thought it was the transporter unit.. shame he didn't allow himself more recovery time ,his focus was still a bit out... in actuality he had hurled them both down the waste disposal......ooohhh nasty that....

flakey and aye bee exchange worried grimace.. only momentarily... anyway whats next on our list of fun??? cue hideous witch like cackling.

*with an almost imperceptable nod of the head towards the main entrance aye be motions to flakey, who gets it immediately and sidles nonchalantly over to retrieve a large package that has just been left on the windowsill outside by a delivery boy... takes a couple of seconds to check out delivery boys cute rear view as he puts his lycra clad toushie back on his bike and peddals off, and looks at the adressee....*


hmmmmmm....yep.. *looks at aye be and nods slightly, with a wry smile.. they leave through the trap door.. nobody has noticed..*

*Stops looking through the window to raise a curious Roger Moore stylee eyebrow to the lurking audience before he peers back in again*

the excitment of the 2 women is almost tangible, the 2 conspirators huddle into the cupboard and much sounds of glee and rustling are heard....

its too much for the doctor, after all this is HIS lab he has every right to know what these women are up to in his cupboard...

the door crashes open... to the sight of aye bee and flakey sitting on the floor surrounded by what appears to be chocolate wrappers, flakey is holding a shiny piece of paper in her chocolatey fingers, and a big grin on her chocolatey face..."by god... we've got one.. we've got one2, both women go mad get up and dance around the lab laughing like idiots skirts flying everywhere..

"you've got one what?" says an exasperated doctor...

A GOLDEN WONKA TICKET they both chorus as one, that means johnny will bring his chocolate factory here for us.....

"i never knew you liked wonka bars so much" said the doctor innocently..

"wonka bars...don't be a pudding doc.. its johhny we want" screeched aye bee..."mind you the chocolate IS very nice" mumbled flakey thru a melting mouthful...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm johnny

Johnny? Wasnt he the one coming through the door with an axe in the Shining?? He is coming here? Top man! We can compare disection methodology together!

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeesss Johnny!

*2 very chocolatey women head off towards the shower area, followed by most of the male population of the lab, cept for Vending Machine Prince Edward, who appears to be malfunctioning in the worst possible way.. spewing beverages and marsmallow from almost every oriface*

DOC??? can you pass the soap??

*With his best Terry Thomas smirk, smoking jacket, slicked back hair and cigarette holder in place, The Doc saunters off after the girls with a bar of soap*

Steady on girls...........Wait up for your Doctor......

in the steamy shower room....flakey whines.. but aye bee MUST i really take my cardi off???

grudgingly flakey removes beloved cardi and rest of clothes.. but oh what horror is this.....blood? but how why.. am i hurt, it seems to be coming out of my wee wees....

by now small crowd of labites surrounds finding this revelation most amusing and they dash back to vending machine to obtain sanitary towels which they proceed to throw at flakey chanting "plug it up plug it up" in almost exact same manner of horrid school chums in stephen kings CARRIE.

for gods sake doc, yells aye bee, you'll have to tell flakey the facts of life, i think her mother must be some kind of weird religious nutter or something...throws bath towel round and leads her off for her life lesson......can they help her and avert a horrific disaster involving flakey, extra sensory powers and a bucket of pigs blood....

flakey baby (in loud put on voice for the lurkers and pervy peepers)
much easier to get that waxed... shaving it is not the best option
and look at the state o ya now!!!
you'll be stingin for a week

*leads her off in a large hooded towelling robe to the cupboard, where gasps of shock followed by giggling and * ''NOOOOOOOOO, my mummy and daddy never ever... .no way. not that.. hahaha.. you're kidding me... is that picture the right way up?? snigger..... it's no wonder... my my.. i have led a sheltered life.. they'll all be laughing at me out there..... ok.....lets ditch the cardi... Aye Bee??? will you help me re create my image?? i feel a transformation coming on.. it's time i started to have some fun....''

.........

*doc ambles over to the cupboard and taps on the door, to ask if flakey would like a freebie on the slab.... 'i can make a difference baby' he grins at the lurkers... rubs hands together*

30 mins later flakey reappears.. is she a new knowledgeable woman now?

'so how was it flakes' whispers aye bee

'well it was very similar to the time father flannigan took me to the theatre actually'

horrified gasp from all...

'oh except the doc doesn't wear suspenders though'

'well he did when we...er........ got friendly' said aye bee with big grin.

*wakes up in a daze and realises she has no idea what is going on*

hmmm
doc....*nods in general directon of slab 2*... your 2 o clock is awake !!

AHHHHH... YES... screeches the doc in great excitement, calls his team of trusty spanner holding medical staff together and launches himself at slab 2 to discuss with Nicky what 'improvements' have been added..

goodness flake
you look different somehow

in fact.. the flake ad. that's who you remind me of. the girl on the flake ad..is that what your name means?
you have a certain glint in your eye now... obviously father flannagan wasn't much good...

doc on the other hand is AMAZING isnt he?

did he do that... u know.. that thing.... if he did you'll know what i mean.... i mean... i was on the ceiling when he did that.... though i think he lost the flange bracket in the last kefuffle... so he may not be able to do that one now... shame

i've just brewed a fresh pot... tea anyone?