h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

shes such a trooper that one sighs flakey....i hope she will teach me everything she knows....

much struggling from evil doc....'now come on there' says flakey leaning in close...takes bridget jones type big knickers from his mouth...no need to worry we'll take excellent care of you...and your cod piece will join my collection on the wall of shame...

take him away doc....oh and you might need these..thrust big knickers into docs hand.....

flakey opens cupboard a tad and hands aye bee the supersonic multi adjustable wrench...have fun guys.

*Turns to the lurking audience and raises one eyebrow (Roger Moore stylee) before fiddling in his codpiece with his handy dandy remote control. Down in the basement, Petra Stringfellows eyes suddenly open wide..........*

"Come on girls!" He shouts to his slumbering Synchronised Armoured Lap Dancing Division

*One by one their eyes open, they stand to attention, adjust the six inch Jimmy Choos, suspender belts and various bits and pieces on the Lap Dancer outfits. Petra looks on and walks down the line inspecting them*

Dancers of Spearmint Rhino, I am Petra Stringfellow, personal guard to The one true Doc.
The one True Doc experiments on men by the hundreds, and if he could he'd consume the interlopers upstairs with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his mechanically augmented arse.
HE IS the one true Doc - and today I see a whole army of my sisters here in defiance of tyranny.
You have come to fight as free dancers, and free you are. What would you do without freedom? Will you fight?

“Fight? Against them upstairs? No, we will run; and we will live” says one simpering girlie
Aye, fight and you may die – or worse, ladder your fishnets. Run - even in those heels - and you'll live -- at least a while.
And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies upstairs that they may take our Doc, but they'll never take... his freedom!

Girls - Lock and load. The Doc needs us!

flakey lady looks at the doctor and tuts loudly...but we don't need him...we've got it all covered here....aye bee has the other prisioner half way thru interrogation...cue loud groan from cupboard..

and this one here is as helpless as a pussy cat..what do we need stringfellow for...personally i don't like the man...he refused me entry to his club once for being over a dress size 8...and have you seen him in a thong??? your stomach couldn't cope with the sight...

i'm off to see if aye bee needs any help..tosses hair back and storms into cupboard..

*locks and loads*

*In a tight formation, Petra leads her dancers upstairs in their finest slinky body armour, where they burst out of the cellar door and lay down suppressing fire while a snatch team goes in and sweeps the Doc and Dai off to safety in their best bump and grind fashion"

Snatch team? You mean to say there is a team for that? Good lord and here was I not intertested in sports....

"

*In his best Frankie Howard voice*

Ohhhhhhhh stop it missus.........no, yes, Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, please yourselves!

*Back to the Doc*

Petra baby! I gots to say that being rescued by one of your troopers dressed in bullet proof fishnet stockings and schoolgirl outfit was one of THE best moments I have had in the lab!

aye bee and flakey lady peep out of cupboard door...zeek making faint babbling noises..he has in fact gone totally insane...

flakey turns to aye bee and motions to doctor and dai being caressed by scantily dressed women in leather acessories and thigh boots..."do you think he just wanted an excuse for some girly action?"

*NJA swivels, jiggles and slides_________________across the room*

*purrs*... The Doctor never needs an excuse to paaarrtttayy!!

Nurse Just Arrived! Good to see you babe! Ignore Petras girlies, you know it is just you and me hun, always was, always will be. Remember when we.........oops, never mind, dont know who may be watching

Right! Petra! NJA! Dai! I think it is time to wheel out the secret weapon!!

*Out of the dusty closet the Lab Juke box rolls forward, buttons clicking ominously by themselves and the volume turned all the way up to 11. Suddenly, without warning D45 is selected and before you know it..........*

PARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

zooms in to the labites on the floor in rowing formation to "oops upside your head"

flakey reluctant... but unable to resist joining in...have they all been brainwashed??

" Leaps from the rowing formation and runs to the inflateable mini bar, cracks open a dusty case of SETA's incredibly strong home brewed Danish Lager, puts jukebox onto dnace floor shuffle, passes out SETA's incredibly strong home brewed to all labites and participants, rejoins rowing formation just in time for Aggadoo!"

I think it's working Doc, they can't control themselves and I think we got a Conga on next!

*zeek staggers out of the cupboard to see what all the fuss and noise is about, collapses in a heap of chiffon and various leather straps on the floor, everyone sniggers*


NJ.. Fantastic to see ya.... we missed you terribly. Doc aint been the same since we saw u go under the tomato soup with an ominous 'glug' that time....

Glass o grog?? piece of chockie bikkie cake??

this is Flakey, she's been helping us to rid the lab of undesireables...see him over on the slab? i expect great things from the doc and you.. can u fix him up enough to bring me to a wedding i have to go to next week??? i do hate goin to dem tings on me own..

and as for dai...look at the state of him... where on earth does he think he is dressed up like that...

"looks down at tight fitting leather shorts, matching leather man bag,lycra mix belly top and all weather biker boots"

What's wrong with this outfit then? It's the latest thing in Welsh mortician fashion ya know...

*everyone sniggers behind their hands*..

lovely dai.. but.. dem shorts are just a tad too tight. we can see what you had for breakfast, not to mention what religion you are

*giggles*

flakey can't stop staring at leather shorts....puzzled...no they aren't welsh leather shorts.....goes over and lifts dais t shirt to reveal brightly decorated leather braces holding up the leather...... leider hosen.. thats what they are announces flakey

i don't think he is welsh at all, and all those shamrock t shirts and he constantly drinks guiness.....why really he must be....german!!!!

at this dai tells the doc to hit it... juke box music changes to happy slappy austrian type music[often favoured at disney parks] and doc and dai indulge in the knee slapping style.....and my god whos that yodelling...yodelllayeehee

HIC!!! Sorreeee.. hic... i was always shoite at it.... good stuff this

*The Doc gets up from the alpine remix version of Oopps upside your head, dusts of his leather britches borrowed from Dai, swoops NJA over in very deep dip and plants a smacker on her*

Well! Must say, I think that has seen off the interlopers ok - I always knew that they didnt worship at the Church of the Latter Day Disco!

*Sweeps NJA off her feet and whirls round the floor in a dangerous techno version of the foxtrot*

"Stands proudly his nether regions (and in fact most of his manly body dear reader) wrapped in one of Aye Bee's discarded thongs owing to the Doc borrowing his leather britches...."

Yes indeed Doc, it appears they have moved to pastures new their plot folied by Disco and extra strong lager..

"Bows head reverently as he utters the words"

Oh look slab number 3 is occupied, how did we miss that with the flashing number 3 on the digital display board and the looped digitised female voice saying "Slab number 3 please....Slab number 3 please....Slab number 3 please....Slab number 3 please....Slab number 3 please....Slab number 3 please....Slab number 3 please....Slab number 3 please....Slab number 3 please....Slab number 3 please....Slab number 3 please....Slab number 3 please...."

Shall we adjourn to the slab?