h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Mmmm just a little

*looks at the doc with sheer wild panic in her eyes*

doc
dont u dare go off and leave me with these.......these.....
eeeewwwwww..did u see what they just did??? good lord, i didnt' think that was possible..


please please...

i'll do anything
just get them off me

*Super-Duper-Mega-Secret Thingite Agent 006-1/2 (who's so secret no-one knows he exists), also known as Zeek, runs in*

Doctor Eistensteisensteinian! Doctor Eisensteisensteinian! The Gravitic Weather Manipulation Device works! It works!

*calms down, gets a better look at the Doctor*

Hrm . . . I could have sworn you were Doctor Eisensteisensteinian at first glance - has he stepped out or something?

no i am not doctor ...pauses to check spelling of ridiculous name...eistensteisensteinian.... but he is a distant cousin...on my fathers side several times removed....
he is more closely related to the einsteinagogo branch of the family
any one for tea

Oh, my mistake. Would you know where Dr. Eisensteisensteinian is then?

i'm not from round these parts...i just pop out er i mean in from time to time..but i believe the doctor is usually found in a cupboard here somewhere..... gestures towards the many cupboards in the lab...

take your pick...want any help in there

*looks at all the cupboards*

There certainly are a lot of them . . .

I think I'll have some tea first.

well we have earl grey, pg tips, lemon tea, iced tea or how about a nice cappuccino....

Earl Grey, hot, please.

flakey dons tea lady apron and hums annoyingly...adopts an irritating tea lady patronising tone...will that be with milk or lemon dear...[see i told you patronising]

so why were you hoping the doc would be this eistensetin...eistensteining...........that bloke you mentioned

Um, neither, thank you ma'am. *is not at all offended by the patronizing tone*

Well, Doctor Eisensteisensteinian is working witht he Thingite Resistance, you see, on a new weapon to be used in our struggle against the Evil Army - the Gravitic Weather Manipulation Device. Basically, what it does is it uses gravitic energy beams to manipulate air currents and create humongoidal - that's a technical term, humungoidal . . . it's several degrees above "humongous" and just beyond "ridiculously tremendously huge" - storms, and we were field testing it today on the Evil Army Missile Base and Mad Sicence Complex off that-a-way somewheres.

*sips tea*

Now, my superiors wanted to see that facility destroyed, but they didn't want to see it become a glowing, uninhabitable crater for the next fifty million years (not to mention the Resistance's favorite pub would have been destroyed), so Doctor Eistensteisensteinian offered to test his Gravitic Weather Manipulation Device, and, well . . .

Just look out the window!

*outside the window - and about fifty or so miles away - is a humongoidal storm, complete with lightning, tornadoes, rain, sleet, snow, and golf-ball-sized hail*

flakey tea lady pulls cardi around her....ohhh look at that...WEATHER...is that normal...

hears hail banging onto roof of lab...."oh my gawd."...throws herself onto
visitors lap..."we're done for now"

what can be done????
and where is doctor eistenshlsigtonstein or whatever his name is....

*looks out the window*

Oh dear . . . It seems Doctor Eistesteisensteinian's Gravitic Weather Manipulation Device has run a wee bit haywire!

*oofs as flakey jumps in his lap*

I wish I knew . . . I thought he was here!

*steps out of cupboard, straightening and smoothing red leather dress with one hand and re applying lippy with other*

OH...Helloh... nobody said we had company...(shouting)
what on earth is that terrible noise?

is there another cup in the......I SAID IS THERE ANOTHER CUP IN THAT POT??

that cupboard is in a right state...i'vee been in there for hours...ehhh. trying to sort it out.....

*lies against the door of cupboard, where it's obvious that someone else is trying to exit and says in a loud voice*..

YOU'RE THAT FELLA ZEEEK ARENT U??
NO NO NO.... THE DOC IS NOT HERE. HE'S NOT..HE'S JUST NOT....LOOK!! OUT THE WINDOW... THAT COULD BE HIM JUST NOW, I COULD HAVE SWORE I SAW HIM DRIVE BY....

*ducks quickly back into cupboard*

*shouts*

YES, THERE IS! AND YEAH, I'M THAT ZEEK FELLA! BLOODY HELL, I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK OVER THAT BLASTED HAIL!

*looks out the window*

NO, THAT'S NOT DOCTOR EISENSTEISENSTEINIAN, THAT'S HIS COUSIN DOCTOR EISENSTEISENSTEINAGOGO!

*comes back out the cupboard, looking flustered*

Oh yes..so it is... I SAID..... SO IT IS!!

well the doc is not here

you'll have to come back.. he ehhh...*whispers very loudly* doesn't go by that name here.....they just call him doc, but look

*hitches up red leather frock to reveal the famous tattoo.. saying 'doctor EISENSTEISENSTEINIAN woz 'ere'

see??

he says what do you want with him??

i mean...i mean.... he would say that,, if he was here.. but he's not, so he didn't but he would've

so...
why?

Well, it's about his Gravitic Wather Control Device. Thingite Resistance HQ sends their compliments, and asks would he please turn it off now as the Evil Army Missile Base and Mad Science Complex is sufficiently demolished and they're having trouble getting in to salvage the remains for the Doctor's other projects.

*grins bit falsly and brightly*
okey dokey...

i'll tell him whenever i see him ...k?? was there anything else??

just need to go look in the cupboard for .. ehmmmmm.. my handbag, yes that's it. handbag...

*dashes back into cupboard, slinks back out minute or so later, closing the door carefully behind her*..

that's such a co incidence u know
doc just phoned the cupboard phone there and he says no probalemo... will do and clickety click...bob's ur mother's brother etc etc....

is that ok?? should stop bout now he says

another cup of earl grey??
you can tell me all about you and show me family shots from your wallet..

*links arms matey style on way to inflatable kitchenette while dark figure in dirty labcoat sneaks out the window from cupboard roof, carrying a large flange bracket and a multi-button and switch box..*

*looks out through window*

Oh yes, much, now we're only getting marble-sized hail, and the downpour's not quite so torrential anymore!

*pours Aye Be another cuppa*

Certainly, and I think I'll top mine off too.

*tops off his own cuppa*

Well, I can't tell you -all- about me, some of it's very hush-hush and whoosh-whoosh you know, what with working for the Thingite Resistance and all . . . and I don't have a family, well, at least not a traditional one. I grew up in Outer Southern North-West Hooloovoolia, you see, and we do things differently there . . .

*wanders off with Aye Be, nattering all the way to the kitchenette*

flakey still on floor where zeek has deposited her...

well thats not very nice behaviour is it....hurling a poor old tea lady down like that...but hang on is flakey really a tea lady at all???