h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Big indeed sire, but I put that down to the lurkers feeding him through the bars when we are not looking. Be assured though that I have today ordered 1 super duper deluxe reinforced collectors edition directors cut "Hanibal Lector" face mask that will prevent him from ingesting mass quantities.

That should cut him down to size - and I have also taken the precaution of removing his privilages which included weekly deliveries of Fava beans and copious amounts of Chianti............

but what of the truckloads on consecrated virgins arriving at the delivery bay? I hear tell that the foreman says such frivilous nudity and nubileness is playing merry havoc with his unionised workforce. Herr Doktor.

SO *taps foot* what is it you need doing? should I 'elilminate' competition?

*sulking at having been ticked off, sits back and folds arms (as well as is possible with her, erm, frontage) in amusement and watches to see how the Doc gets out of this one....... nubile naked blondes were ordered specifically.. wifey wouldn't be privy to that bit of info and Doc's signature is clearly visable on the request form and the delivery docket, which for some reason the lab overhead projector is now showing in full resplendent colour on the back wall.. *

well??

*hisses at doc* if you let me play with clive i'll give you (yet another) alibi

Now calm down there wifey - I have set up some targets in the garden for you to go practice on while Lord Clive decides on his elimination targets.

Oh, sire Clive? The erm......virgins you mentioned earlier? They are actually new recruits for Petra Stringfellows Crack Lap Dancing Armoured Division. We are finding that when they go into combat zones, a lot of them are falling off their 7 inch heels a wrenching their little ankles something awful. We are now testing a new improved 6 inch steel toe cap Jimmy Choo slingback in the hopes it will help sustain upright mobility in future operations. We could send a couple of them for inspection round to your place to see them formation drilling?

It takes a real girl to walk in heels *sits down crossing her legs and waving her nine-inch-stilleto wearing feet* *proceeds to file her nails to in an irritated way and awaits some sort of present to placate her*

flakey struggles the last few feet up from the hidden cupboard having fallen down unnoticed...managed to fight off the docs former assistants who have now developed a liking for warm human flesh, flakey escapes with only a very minor bite, and crawls up handy rope...

so whats been happening girls and boys.. oh wow lookit all this... a new male on the scene mmmnnnn but all these women???
damn but isn't it a mans world still..

goes and sulks with aye bee.. wheres the men then aye???

Wifey! I see that you have mastered the Mega Pout (as advertised on the shopping channel folks) so I have today got you an all expenses paid personal shopper day at "Tarts R Us" and the local "Weaponsarama".

I think both should give you ample scope to buy pressies both thoughtful, see through and lethal. A rare combination I think you will agree!

Flakey baby! I hope that bite will get better - as I see the owner of it has left their teeth embedded in it........

Girls! Have I intorduced you to Sire Clive? Demigod and the one and only Creator of this world we inhabit. I am sure you can amuse yourselves with him while I go and plug in experiment 101 for a bit of post lunch electrocution.........

oopps so i have said flakey pulling still gnashing teeth out of arm... teeth get free and fall to floor where they chatter around still seeking flesh..

they home in on the doctor who has to do a convincing river dance type set of manoeuvres to avoidbeing savaged by the enraged teeth.. he skilfully kicks them away towards...........

aye bee.... who pulls her skirts up and in her trying to stamp on them actually does a very fair flamengo.... amid lots of shouts of ole from everyone else aye bee then kicks teeth back into direction of...

flakey... who looks like something out of thriller... is she changing into a gruesome zombie...............

nah, just haven't put my makeup on yet

aww thanks (takes a low bow.. not great idea considering the length of aforementioned skirt, but there u go)

i studied flamenco u know

no ....wait.....i did flamenco, yeah that's it.. jose flamenco (puts head on one side and smiles dreamily for a minute)

Tarts r us??? did i hear doc say he was treating us to a shopping trip??

come on flakey, wifey.. lets go. we need stuff, and i'm completely out of lip gloss, toilet duck and amunition for the old AK 47 *obtained from some dodgy oirish bloke selling arms 'n' stuff on the side of the road last Tuesady......wink wink*

*dodges teeth again by making an excuse to jump into Clive's arms while they clatter by.. funny he's not afraid of em.... he's a nice big strong man an all.. *

girls you run on ahead, i'll catch you up

so you are the docs wife??? flakey sidles up to wifey.. where abouts among the many names tattooed on him are you then??? says flakey having a flash back of the doc in the raw and seeing many girls names adorning his arms.. some on his chest, a couple on his back...oh yes and that homophobic little ditty near his bum saying.. "no entry"

flakey shakes head to rid the disturbing flashback.. of course mrs doc none of us girls here have done the business with your old man...er umm cough......sound of aye bee dropping into a dead faint....

oh oh what have i gone and said now.............

Hah! I was here at the begginging! I am the first! *files nails* I even remember bimbo #1 being born *glares at other girls* now which one of you has the platinum card that by rights is mine? *holds out clawed hand*

Ermmmmm....girls? Wifey dont kid, she is one mean hombre. I even saw her dismember a victim one using a pair of marigolds and a stick of Juicy Fruit........

*raises an eyebrow and keeps hand held out waiting*

Please ladies, I need a new pair of 12" heels

* digs huffily to end of handbag and hands it over.
glares at the doc, and anyone else that is watching, then stomps off to cupboard and slams door, only to emerge 20 seconds later with another one that she remembered dai left under the 2nd tile to save himself from the inevitable S&M bargain basement leather thong and studded collar monster sale
waves it in dai's face who is too scared to try to get it back and marches out after the others*

12"?? Baby, you just keep getting better and better!

People have been making fun of my height. I need to fix this! *Glares at ayebee*

Cancel that card wont you hubby dear *kisses him on the cheek and saunters out to buy an even shorter leather dress and some higher heels*

Classy, lethal, tarty dresser and a biting repartee! Gad, I lurve that woman!!

oi... come back here you...dont you look at me like that...

*cries of bitch fight as the lurkers rush to the window to look out*

the wee shamrock tattoo??? the shamrock tattoo he has u know where????

*runs out in 13 inch glass and steel heels and wacks her head off the door frame on the way out, falls down, bounces back up without so much as grazing her nose....oh thank god for the enhancements....
very inelegantly she shows wifey the matching tattoo..... *

what do you have to say about that then huh???

reveals wallet with 145 platignum cards in it.....

doc aint the only sucker round here honey....*

Never thought I would see a virtual catfight in the Lab

Ladies! Please! Its just a chatroom............isnt it? *Looks round nervously*