h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*er waves back *


NJA has first dips on him.. get to the back of the queue Pirate Wench..

*NJA swivels and jiggles and slides____________ across the room, only to lose her eye on the floor (she must stop rolling them)

*enters room on a nastolgia tripo thru the old posts*

what?

since when has the lab been re-opened?

why on a larger note did no-one tell me?

doctor you swine.....that soup would have tasted well good with a bit of cheese and bread




the depths of my dissapointment can only be expressed by sheer effort in this situation

*leaves room*

DAMN!

ok,

*goes to mingle and catch up*

*The Doc wakes up in a dusty corner, surrounded by 32 empty bottles of Gold Label Southern Comfort, six of Petra Stringfellows skimpily dressed crack armoured Lap Dancing division, 50 empty "Go Large" Big Mac meal boxes, 3 and a half tons of unread junk mail, 1 crashed (still burning) Corvette Stingray, 4 bought-on-impulse plasma 110 inch tellies, 157 dubious looking home made strange smelling fag butts, a Handy Dandy flame thrower (empty) and another (full), three of the female cast of Hollyoaks in a compromising position, a Sudoku book obviously torn up in a blind rage, last weeks Radio Times, a Tardis, two gay interior designer Cybermen (asleep), two lager lout reprobate Daleks called Colin and Steve (clearly well oiled with their plungers twitching), that bloke from the Cillit Bang commercials with a clean penny surgically inserted up his backside, two MP's on the take, the remains of more than 300 Indian and Chinese take outs, a low hanging cloud of noxious fumes, a 1-1 scale lifesize crashed Airfix replica of the Deathstar and a partridge in a pear tree...........*


Owwwwwwwwwwwwww...........my head!
*Immediately reaches for his Handy Dandy Contact-the-dead ouija board, puts his finger on the top of an empty bottle of vodka and intones with due solemnity...........*

Is there anybody there?

*Clearing collapsed roof debris off his magnificent but greying mullet, the Doc peers into the gloom*

Nurse Just Arrived? Is that you hun?

*Hastily re-arranges clothing and Crack Armoured division lap dancers thong from around his neck*

Baby! It IS you!!

*turns chair around to face the doctor, at the same time raising a hand to signal someone to turn off the brand new kettle because it has jus boiled*

well hello, you seem to have been enjoying yiourself doctor, your fake style tardis and two daleks high on some substance won't save you now

*stands up*




*decides this is a bad idea, sits down*

*stands up with a cup of tea and a haddock*

*decides this is also a bad idea, but remains standing*



*hits doctor with a haddock wrapped around a small planet on which thousands of people are saying wop!!*

OUCH!

I will have you know sir, that in no way am I Italian and it does you no favours to use that term in front of me!

*Presses a secret button on his majestic Pants Of Thrall and a comedy 25 ton weight drops on Frinkys head*

*NJA, husky voiced and purring*

My Hero!

*Raises one Roger Moore eyebrow in NJA's direction, drops 10p in the Trusty Rusty and very dusty Jukebox and selects E07......The sound of the "Hawaii Five O" theme blasts out as the Doc sweeps NJA off her feet and sweeps her round the lab in a mad knees bent legs akimbo Charleston*

Ohhhhhh, NJA, you mad impetuous fool you!

*cupboard door opens, and out saunters AyeB in very frilly pink knickers and 8 inch perspex heeled slippers, and not much else.. ooo an enormous engagement ring, eyes the assembled stragglers raises an eyebrow at the frenzied dancing duo, opens inflatable fridge, grabs 2 bottles of pop, a pound of butter and a jug o grog and wanders sleepily back to the cupboard, closes door and dissappears*

*shoves Aye B back into the cupboard*

*NJA wiggles and jiggles and slides_______________ about the floor with the Doctor*

"Raises a Roger Moore stylee eyebrow as he mugs to the camera and lurking throng"

*Changes step and flings Nurse Just Arrived into the air, catching her and then sweeping her round the floor in manic interpretation of the Birdee Song meets the Sex Pistols...........while filling in his application for Simply Come Dancing at the same time*

*husky voiced and purring*

Doctor Darling

Now we have swept the floor, can you please put me upright, so I might shake the dust from my hair?

*kisses his feet, whilst there*

*Casually and embarresdedly (is that a word? It is now!) swings NJA upright and watches the blood rush back to her size 3's*

Splendid job of swweping up NJA, well done!

Now - this Arlene Philips person judge thing.........think we ought to cut her down to size a bit? And old Brucey - I think we need to do some work on him..........

AAYYYBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEE!

Put Brucey down, get out here in your frillys and bring whats left of Brucecy with you.......what would the BBC say??

*An official disembodied voice cuts in*

"We interrupt your reading to bring you an important announcement!"

"Please note, the Brucey Wig, is really Elton in disguise and therefore, should be returned to the BBC's Lost Property Box!"

*NJA snickers, then realises she prefers a Mars Bar*

*At that precise moment, a small furry rug makes a dash for freedom across the floor, followed by a traumitised Brucy bearing a dish of cat food.................*

This post has been removed.

*sniggering comes from cupboard.. *

ooooohh .no pet.. you didnt.. did u? you cant say that sort of stuff no more.. the mods will git yer...
anyway back to what we were at... (wipes buttery hands) ... try this one on....... OMG!! was made for you.. pity you're not an 18 year old lapdancer, but what the hell, maybe they wont notice that you're a fourty(loud cough to save embarassment at age)year old shaved headed tattooed biking type male.....that colour sooo suits your tan.... what is that colour.. is it.. ..... taupe? is that tassle supposed to sit quite at that angle darlin?.. perhaps you better put the lederhosen back on.. they were just as fetching.

*nicky, having stopped trying to pick the lock on the locked door, watches with interest*


i say guys, whos up for a bit of fun now?

"Raises an eyebrow in a Roger Moore stylee hoping he don't get modded this time"