h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*takes offensive to being grabbed by the hand by dai after what he said*
my 19th birthday actually dai

*Wansers in in a very dirty lab coat and hair standing on end, at an angle of exactly one radian from the front of his face. How you can measnure a linear angle from a curved surface is a mystery, but there it is.*

Hello, I was hoping we could do some unholy sins against Nature, can we?

yeah why not
you draw a tangent to the curve

*decides to go into the cupboard hanging a note on the door*

*attention hermionicky is ill. needs someone with a good bedside manner to come nurse her better
she is in bed ready*

*The Door to the Lab Creaks open and a prehistoric Caveman dressed in a badly fitting Chauffeurs outfit lumbers in with two suitcases which he drops to the floor with a slushy thud.....blood dribbles out of one of them and the other is moving with muffled screams from within...........
In walks a figure dressed in an Indiana Jones type outfit, complete with whip, hat and tarantulas crawling up his back. He whips his head round just in time to see a bloody big ball of rock crush the car and smash into the doorway behind him*

SMASHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*The figure lowers his head, takes his hat off, dusts the rubble off his shoulders and looks up again*

Well Ug M'boy - thanks for dropping off the suitcases! Sorry about the car outside though - here - as a compensation, get Bimbo out of the suitcase and go have some fun with her in the cupboard. I have some work to do here..................

*The Doc, back from his mysterious travels looks into the cracked mirror, showing off his cracked face magnificently*

Its showtime folks - Daddys back!

SSHHRREEIIIIKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

*after being disturbed in the cupboard by someone with no bedside mannar at all, she takes to the bed in the wardrobe, hopeing someone will be along soon to look after her*

*The Doc hearing movement within one of the numerous cupboards, spins round and cracks his whip*

OUCH!

*Tries again*

CRACK

*Much better!*

The whip tangles round the door handle, yanking it open to revealing Hnicky in all her glory*

I saaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Now THAT is what I call a homecoming present!

Move over baby, it has been tooooooooooooooooooooo long!

*Leaps into the cupboard and slams the door behind him*

SLAM!

Doc you old tadwangler you, how was the trip? I trust presents were bought, experiments conducted and you've been banned from ever returning to where ever you've been?

Just nipping into the cupboard of lurve to administer to a sick HN, makes a change I've been told I was the sick one round here

IB's about somewhere in a very short outfit, nd I found her choclatty biscuit cake rwcipe so help yourself to a slice, it's on the slab, oh yes and I think you have a new victim waiting, ahem sorry patient!

" Slips into cupboard to administer to HN's needs"

"Slips out of the cupboard sharpish not realising Doc was administering in there, Tries to wipe the memory of what he saw from his mind by overdosing with Choclaty Biscuit Cake"

*Bursts back out of the cupboard with trousers akimbo*

Right - yes, young lady - take two of those every thirty minutes and you will be MUCH better!

Good! Did someone say oirish Chocolate Cake? *Spies the cake on the slab*

AHA!

*Runs over to the slab, avoiding poisoned darts, pygmies and evil Nazis*

I really must get changed - everywhere I go they show up!

UG! Go long on the right!

*Ug drops Bimbo and legs it down the right wing, arms in the air*

Here comes the cake! *Doc flips over the slab, grabs the cake, kicks two nazis in the teeth and lobs the cake over to Ug who makes a brilliant reception before punting it through the skylight*

Jeez, Ug! You are supposed to put it down, not punt! The cake goes down, the Nazis get punted, right?

*little shocked to have the doc looking after her, but relaxes believing she is in good hands*



*is this a bad idea folks?*

Oh, baby! Are you in good hands? See these? They used to belong to a surgeon! Couldnt be safer hun, no worries. Oh yes, and see this? *Trousers drop to the floor*

John Holmes - thats who THAT used to belong to!

*Pulls trousers up again, smacks head on wall* Sorry about that - the brain used to belong to schizophrenic but they are much better since meeting me.

So whats cooking hnicky - besides you in that bed?

*Evil moustache twirls and the Doc mugs to camera*

Hi Lurkers - I am Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

The Docs hands used to be very good HN, but the pair he's using at the minute seem to have seen better days, wonder who thye belonged to, always uprading our Doc!

"Legs it into cupboard emerges in complimentary Indiana Jones type side kick outfit with matching utility belt and accessories, sprints accross the floor decimating 3 Nazis attempting to steal a smaple of the magic Oirish choclaty biscuit cake"

Hmmm, after the mystical and magical Choclatty Biscuit Cake are they and world domination, looks like a job for........

" Ta ta DA Da"

The Labittes

Methinks HN will not be aware of the identity of aforementioned John Holmes, but from the way these posts are over lapping Doc weseem tobe on the same wavelength!

" Nips over to HN and whispers in her ear about John Holmes while adopting the stance of an anger doing the 'one that got away bit' with outstetched arms"

Exactly, Dai M'boy - more than one way of getting smut into a thread without being in your face with it!

(ahem)

Well - *Drop kicks an approaching nazi* Dai! here we are again, battling evil forces to make way for a few of oour own...GASP!

The Cake! Thats it Dai! THE FREAKIN'CAKE! Its the Grail Dai, the Grail!

*The sound of coconut halves and Round Table Knights are heard outside*

*deciedes that the john holmes body part may have made her feel better*

*a killer, monster, ravinous white rabbit jumps at dai's head, unfortunately, it misses*

you english, i wave my dingle dangle at you and phart in your general direction, also, i'll ask if my master wants to join your quest, but i don't think eel be very keen, he's already got a grail you see.

*Whips out the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Reads Ordinances 9:13.*

"Thou shallt take the Holy Hand Grenade in thy plam, pull out the pin. Thou shallt coint to three, and three shall be the number of thy counting. Four is too much. Five is right out. Two is too little and thou shallt not count to two unless it is immediately preceeding three."

*Wonders who he should throw it at.*

The sharp pointy toothed rabbit Dai - it has the Cake! Nuke it boy, nuke it!

dont throw it at me unless you are wlling to say sorry with meaning