h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*after a week of slowly putting down the resequencer, morierty notices a button saying "time distortion drive, do not push unless you have shot a cake tin and made it into a goldfish in a fetching blue aquarium..."*

close enough..

*presses button*

suddenly, the space time continuumm thingy turns itself inside out and back to front, and we find ourselves back before any of the resequencer business started...

ps, the cake tin is safe

Not for long it isn't!

"Dives accross the floor , grabs the tin, poens the lid"

Oh yes, yes, yes, yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

"Repeats his action, although this time he opens the lid!"

*realises she has obviously missed something again*

no, you didn't miss anything... the last week just ceased to exist...

and the cake tin is safe, although not for long....

What happens if I press this big red button with the sign above it saying "Do not press this button"?!?!

TF-P

*presses button to see....*

*kettle goes "boing, fatanng, blut zowie kerpow!!!!"*

is off, anyone?

*smiling wickedly, IB turns from the slab where she has just been released....adjusts the dress to cover up the tattoo...wooah...that's a tad too short..must hav shrunk in the wash...why the hell didn't someone tell me!!!!*

i wouldn't eat the contents of that tin if i were you dai hinny...

i think i used tobasco instead of creme do cacao..

uh-oh..... too late

*dai turns a deep shade of purple and runs to bar..in one long gulp he downs 14 pints of 'bru'....everyone sniggers, cos they know there's gonna be fun..always is when someone goes on the bru...*

oh... and chicken baby.. i just read your profile..it was in the cupboard on the wall... i think i love you.. can i borrow your annorak?

" Still feeling the effects of the tabasco laced chocolate biscuit cake follwed by 14 pinsts of SETA home bru super strength Danish Lager dai staggers over to the divine IB"

Hey honey, wanna see my Wesh rabbit? BTW did I mention that dress may have shrunk in the wash, I could see your credentials when I was on the slab, and very nice they were to (hic)

"Breaks into bru induced song"

Sometimes its hard, to be a womannnnahhhhhhhh!

*hits dai to help him sober up....*

*doesn't work, so starts hitting him with larger and more sobering items, first, the rotten, putrid smelling shark which has lurgi*

*dai falls to the floor in a fit of helpless giggling, infectious, so everyone is instantly rolling on the floor laughing and holding sides... funny though, count jim is not laughing, is hellbent on his task of sobering him up and stands repeatedly belting him with the putrid shark, which is pretty damn messy. IB runs for the power hose and 'wwwhhhhhhoooooooooooooossssssshhhhhhhhhhh' everyone gets lashed with millions of gallons of what turns out to be raspberry sauce...oh lord fruit based medical conditions will be rife now...*


Snigger.....uh-oh....
WE NEED THE DOC... EXTRAPULATIONS WILL BE IMMINENT IF WE ARE TO SURVIVE!!!

Poor old Lurgi, wash a great guy, nnnd to be got by a large putrid schmelling shark (hic) ish jush not fair (hic)

"Breaks into floods of bru induced tears, hics. parps, stops sobbing suddendly"

Count Jim, thersh only one ting for it, (hic)

"Breaks into bru induced song number 2"

Hit me with your rythym sick, HIt me, Hit me, (hic) Das ish goot ick liebe dich (hic) HIT ME, HIT ME, HITTTTT MEEEEEE!

"Giggles"

She you, ur my mate u are, and see IB, (hic) sheshhhhh georgoushhhhhh .....

Good God Dai....
we promised Doc (on a lengthy mission to the Arthrigalactic Circle to find a cure for Thwonkispirrillitis, a bleedin deadly virus, which brings the 'sufferer' into a state of total wellbeing, but, still is a virus and therefore must be eradicated) as i was saying, we promised doc we wouldn't sing like that while he was away.... so..

*blasts him again with the raspberry sauce, which heretofore has gone unnoticed by everyone...how strange*

"Rpckets accross floor in a whoosh of rasperry sauce, rebounds off bar and slides gracefully to a halt between Ib's lgs, due to the zzeds its very dark down der"

Ahhh, good God, Im sober and I gone blind!

" Wipes remains of raspberry sauce from his eyes, blinks, and looks up"

Oooooooohhh , allo IB, what am I doing down here, and whatever you do don't move for the net few minutes........

*stomping on his ribcage with her icepick sharp pink stillettos as as she steps haughtily away from him... she thows him a look that would burn holes in metal*

Feckin cheek of you...

*from the very handy and multipocketed utility belt she flicks a hand held device, and switches it on...loud cracking and scratchy noise heard for a few seconds, then the line clears

she speaks into the mouthpiece..*

Hueston We have a problem....
oh... shooooot...wrong script


Doc...can you come home...WEEEE MISSSSSS YOUUUUUU...

*nails an anchovy pizza on her head, for old times sake, and runs and flings herself on the slab and starts to sob..
Unfortunatly, the Zeds being what they are, she bounces back off the slab, thwacks her head off the cupboard and slides unconscious to the floor... the 'made in Oirland' tattoo totally visable

what a debacle...*

I say, old chap!

(Briskly brushes a smattering of unidentifiable dust from jacket)

I think I'm schlightly too schober... I need to schink a few beersh and get jusht as schloshed as Schegel!

TF-P

"Passes a 12 pack of SETA's world famous triple strength Danish home bru across to Rediculous Chicken"

Der ya go RC, get that down ye. but fer gawds sake dont let it touch your teeth, the enamel cnt take it belive me

"Dai wakews up to the realisation that its the Chrimbo season, December has arrived and he's still covered in a rasperry jusse, and puncture marks from ice pick sharp ink stiletoes both inflicted by an irate IB still showing her made in Ireland tattoo and the after effects of a chocolate biscuit cake making session on her lucious lips as the nurses outfit has definetly shrunk"

Oooooh time to dig out the traditional Christmas decorations used for centuries past by our one, two three and fore fathers!

" Wonders about his fore mothers but finds it all too complicated"

Right start stringing the light ropes, I'll go outside and erect the snowman sking down the slope thing and the inflateable Santa, anyone got an illuminated Anchovy Pizza anywhere?

*wanders into lab in her shortest mrs clause outfit*
does everyone realise that it is only 22 days till christmas and 20 days untill my 19th?

"looks down from scafolding from his feverish stringing of light ropes and illuminated anchovy pizzas, kicks hammer with his foot which drops onto IB's head stunning her. Slides down scafolding ladder"

Well the Chrimbo thing yes, the 19th no. 19 what by the way? Blokes? Tins of Spaghetti?

" Ducks as HN throws him a look similar to that used by the stunned IB! Runs to IB and proceeds to loosen what's left of her clothing"

OOoooohhhh! whats this stuck down betwen her ZZeds"

"Pulls out a crinkled and folded piece of paper, unfolds it and reads"

Good Lord, I don't believe it, it's IB's secreat family recipe for choclatty biscuit cake handed down from generation to generation on the first full moon after their 18th birthday, seems to be quite an old piece of paper"

" Runs twords cupboard before IB revives and reads this grabbing HN by the hand"